Author: Chris Scullion

Chris Scullion is a Scottish video games journalist who's been covering video games professionally for 16 years. For the first six years of his career he worked at the Official Nintendo Magazine in the UK, then became the Games Editor of CVG before its untimely end. After setting up his own site, Tired Old Hack, Chris then joined Video Games Chronicle (VGC) where he is currently Features Editor. He has a passion for retro games and cataloguing their history, hence his ongoing series of console encyclopedia books (search his name on Amazon).

Puppet Master (1989) review

Published on April 23, 2014May 31, 2014 by Chris Scullion5 Comments

Director: David Schmoeller

Starring: Paul Le Mat, William Hickey, Irene Miracle, Jimmie F Skaggs, Robin Frates, Matt Roe

“Metaphysically speaking, I killed myself.” (Neil, Puppet Master)

Over the past few months many of my reviews have been dedicated to films by Full Moon, one of my favourite B-movie studios.

Full Moon were responsible for a raft of low-budget 80s and 90s horror films and while the majority were as atrocious as you’d expect (hence exhibits A, B, C, D and E here), every so often they’d come up trumps with a gem.

Puppet Master is one such film, one that proved so successful it spawned a total of nine sequels. Naturally, reviews of these will come in time but for now let’s start at the beginning. Continue reading “Puppet Master (1989) review” →

Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery (2014) review

Published on April 11, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Brandon Vietti

Starring: Voices of Frank Welker, Matthew Lillard, Vince McMahon, John Cena, Triple H, Michael Cole, Kane, Brodus Clay, The Miz, Santino Marella, AJ Lee

“Sin Cara believes the spirit of the beast has been stirred by Wrestlemania itself, which is why the monster is risen from the grave to have its revenge. But fear not. It is now Sin Cara’s honour and duty to continue his great great great grandfather’s legacy and protect WWE City at any cost.” (John Cena, Scooby-Doo! Wrestlemania Mystery)

Some crossovers make complete sense. The Jetsons Meet The Flintstones was the perfect fish-out-of-water scenario times two, while Freddy Vs Jason was the natural clash of two of horror’s biggest icons. Ditto Alien Vs Predator with sci-fi, and Mario & Sonic in gaming.

But sometimes you get a crossover that seemingly resulted from two darts being randomly thrown at a massive list of pop culture names and licences.

In the past this apparent method has resulted in the likes of Archie Meets The Punisher, Charles Barkley Vs Godzilla and now this, a bizarre mash-up of Scooby Doo and Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment. And you know something? It’s half-decent. Continue reading “Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery (2014) review” →

Bad Channels (1992) review

Published on April 4, 2014April 4, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director – Ted Nicolau

Starring – Paul Hipp, Martha Quinn, Michael Huddleston

“This son of a bitch is crazier than a tree full of owls!” (Peanut, Bad Channels)

There have been countless retellings of The Boy Who Cried Wolf over the years, but very few have featured extraterrestrials invading a radio station. The DJ Who Called Alien, if you will.

If you’ve long craved this needlessly specific type of tale then Bad Channels is your low-budget fix.

Paul Hipp stars as Dan O’Dare, a radio shock-jock who’s trying to rebuild his career after a previous stunt got him suspended by the radio authorities.

Starting again at the bottom, Dan finds himself working in the middle of nowhere at fledgling radio station Super Station 66. Continue reading “Bad Channels (1992) review” →

Arcade (1993) review

Published on March 25, 2014March 25, 2014 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Albert Pyun

Starring: Megan Ward, Peter Billingsley, John De Lancie, Seth Green, AJ Langer, Sharon Farrell

KID – “Who gives a fuck about Arcade anyway?”

ARCADE – “Try saying that to my FACE.”

In 1992, the movie version of The Lawnmower Man showed the potential dangers of virtual reality, and how it could be used to give someone enough power to take over cyberspace. Even though it couldn’t.

One year later, Arcade gave its own spin on the story, instead showing how virtual reality video games had the ability to come alive and trap children inside their circuit boards. Even though they didn’t.

Yes folks, we’re dealing with another brilliant cheesefest from the “fuck it, let’s go with that” minds of Full Moon, my favourite B-movie studio.

Continue reading “Arcade (1993) review” →

Dolls (1987) review

Published on March 24, 2014March 24, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Stuart Gordon

Starring: Carrie Lorraine, Ian Patrick Williams, Carolyn Purdy-Gordon, Guy Rolfe, Hilary Mason, Stephen Lee, Bunty Bailey, Cassie Stewart

RALPH – “You know, I can remember every toy I had as a kid.”

GABRIEL – “And they remember you, Ralph. Toys are very loyal, and that is a fact.”

This may appear to be your fairly bog-standard review of a cheesy ’80s horror film, but for me this review is a confrontation of my childhood fears and a firm “up yours” to many a sleepless night.

You see, when I was a young sprog of around five or six, I used to go with my dad to the local library to rent videos. Usually I’d end up with something suitably child-friendly but for at least a year there was a cardboard standee in the corner that used to scare the living piss out of me.

The offending display simply showed the poster image you see to the side of this text. The word ‘Dolls‘, along with an image of a doll holding its eyeballs in the air. It was also accompanied by the UK VHS tagline: “They want to play with you”.

Continue reading “Dolls (1987) review” →

Suspiria (1977) review

Published on March 22, 2014May 13, 2014 by Chris Scullion3 Comments

Director: Dario Argento

Starring: Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Flavio Bucci, Barbara Magnolfi, Miguale Bose

“We must get rid of that bitch of an American girl. Vanish! She must vanish! Make her disappear! Understand? Vanish, she must vanish. She must die! Die! Die! Helena, give me power. Sickness! Sickness! Away with her! Away with trouble. Death, death, death!” (Madame Blanc, Suspiria)

I firmly believe that you can take any random single frame from Suspiria’s entire 98-minute runtime and hang it on your wall as a piece of art.

It’s easily one of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen, and one of my favourite horror films without a shadow of a doubt, because it’s just so artistically and stylistically breathtaking. Continue reading “Suspiria (1977) review” →

Robocop (1987) review

Published on March 21, 2014March 21, 2014 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Paul Verhoeven

Starring: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Kurtwood Smith, Miguel Ferrer, Dan O’Herlihy, Ronny Cox

REPORTER – “Robo! Excuse me Robo, any special message for all the kids watching at home?”

ROBOCOP – “Stay out of trouble.”

What can be said about Robocop that hasn’t already been said? Probably that it’s a satirical medieval-themed romp about an enchanted candlestick. And that’s probably because it isn’t entirely accurate.

Still, I might as well throw my opinion into the endless ocean of praise it’s received since its released back in 1987, just in case you’ve already heard 17,000 people say it’s great and you’re the sort of person who isn’t convinced unless you’ve heard 17,001. Continue reading “Robocop (1987) review” →

This little three-minute film will make you defecate profusely

Published on March 20, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

If you’ve been a regular reader of That Was A Bit Mental you’ll notice that all the films I’ve reviewed so far this year have one thing in common: they’re about as scary as solar panels. Which are not scary.

In just three minutes, Lights Out changes this. It’s a short film made for a challenge called Who’s There? in which filmmakers had to make an effective horror story in three minutes.

Most of it is just a case of tension building, but the final shot will stay with you for a long time, especially if you’re the sort of person who has trouble sleeping.

Make it full screen and enjoy (no loud boo scares, I promise. I hate that sort of cheap shit).

Alice Sweet Alice (1976) review

Published on March 17, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Alfred Sole

Starring: Paula Sheppard, Linda Miller, Niles McMaster, Mildred Clinton, Brooke Shields

Also known as: Communion (original title), Holy Terror (re-release title)

“Maybe you are afraid that God will send St. Michael to take another of your loved ones. When St. Michael took my little girl, I only thought of how cruel God was.” (Mrs Tredoni, Alice Sweet Alice)

It’s generally a bit of a taboo in film to combine children with murder. Usually that means filmmakers are wary of killing a kid in a movie – that’s crossing the line – but it also works the other way too.

That’s why it’s difficult to come up with a sizeable list, off the top of your head, of films which feature a scene in which a child murders someone.

Alice Sweet Alice isn’t scared of such taboos. Not only does it include a child being killed mere minutes into its runtime, its entire plot also revolves around the notion that another child may be killing people. Continue reading “Alice Sweet Alice (1976) review” →

Phantom Of The Paradise (1974) review

Published on March 12, 2014March 12, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Brian De Palma

Starring: William Finley, Paul Williams, Jessica Harper, Gerrit Graham

“Look, Philbin. I am a professional. I have been in this business a long time. Now, if I don’t want to perform, it’s not because I got stage fright. It’s because some creature from beyond doesn’t want me to do the show. Now gangway.” (Beef, Phantom Of The Paradise)

Continue reading “Phantom Of The Paradise (1974) review” →