The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre (2013) review

spanish chainsaw massacre posterDirector: Manolito Motosierra

Starring: Pedro García Oliva, Óscar Gisbert, Nereida López

Also known as: Carnívoros

OSCAR – “Before we have sex, I need to know your name.”

YOLANDA – “They call me… Spain’s bitch.”

OSCAR – “Oh! Yeah! That’s right. Ole to your father. Not Maria, or Theresa, but Spain’s bitch. Direct and patriotic, I like it.”

In my view, it’s all well and good making a gore movie as long as there’s a half-decent plot to back it up. The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre sticks two fingers up to this notion, before presumably chopping them off.

When the story’s so basic that the entire film can be summed up with a single sentence that speaks volumes, so here goes:

A band called The Metal Dicks have problems with their van while on the road, so they head to the nearest village, which is populated by cannibals who set about eating them.

That’s really all there is to it. There are no twists and – unless you count the ones an unwitting viewer’s stomach will take while watching – no turns.

Steve Coogan's new 'sleazy Spanish businessman' disguise wasn't fooling anyone
Steve Coogan’s new ‘sleazy Spanish businessman’ disguise wasn’t fooling anyone

You see, The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is an unashamed gore film and nothing more. The puddle-deep plot serves purely as an excuse to traipse out increasingly offensive scenes in an attempt to shock the viewer.

Back in the day I used to love this sort of thing but I’ve become more cynical in my older years and shock value isn’t enough to keep me entertained any more.

Still, if you reckon it’ll be a bit of fun, here’s a few examples of some of the ways the filmmakers have tried to push the limits of taste and decency.

A warning: most of the stuff listed below is pretty graphic, so if you’re of a weak stomach you might as well give up at this point and give it your own 0.5/5 rating.

Susan regretted teaching her three-year-old how to  paint
Susan regretted teaching her three-year-old how to paint

A man being given oral sex has his penis bitten off, causing gallons of blood to spray out.

A clown ties a man to a tree then puts a Spider-Man mask on his head before caving it in with a log while an audience of nine-year-olds cheers and gallons of blood spray out.

Two 13-year-old boys have their intestines torn out and eaten as part of a contest while they and other younger children laugh. And gallons of blood spray out.

A pregnant woman is tied to a cross while a young Japanese girl is ordered to punch her in the stomach until it caves in, then remove her foetus by the umbilical cord while gallons of blood spray out.

Oh, and another dick is cut off and eaten for good measure. And there’s a bit where a chef shits explosive diarrhoea into his assistant’s face while saying “chef chocolate”.

"You think I'm a clown? You're the one who's watching this fucking film"
“You think I’m a clown? You’re the one who’s watching this shite”

I think I’ve made my point. Indeed, it says a lot in this day and age of a more lenient BBFC when 32 seconds had to be cut from the UK release to remove “a sequence of sadistic and sexualised violence involving a child”. Christ.

And then, possibly the most offensive thing of all happens at the 45-minute stage. The credits roll.

Yes, it turns out The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is only 51 minutes long, and six of those minutes are spent on a self-fellating credits sequence in which every minor character is given their own little section.

In case you haven’t guess yet, this film is shite. Not “ho ho, this is shite, I’m loving it” shite, but just shite. The acting is shite, the plot is shite, even the subtitles – from the usually on-the-ball 88 Films, are utter shite.

Here's an example. I just took it with my phone camera. I could have grabbed it from the DVD but, inspired by the film, I decided to use as little effort as possible
Here’s an example. I just took it with my phone camera. I could have grabbed it from the DVD but, inspired by the film, I decided to use as little effort as possible

To add insult to blood-soaked injury, there are barely any chainsaws in the fucker. There’s a single chainsaw attack which lasts all of 15 seconds: clearly the title’s been changed from the original Spanish one, Carnívoros (Carnivores), to try to attract more people, but it’s just misleading now. I thought that pish died in the ’80s.

If you really have to see a gory film that tries to push the limits, check out something like Cannibal Holocaust or even The Human Centipede. They’re just as offensive but at least there’s some semblance of competent filmmaking in there.

This, however… well, to repeat an overused word, it’s just shite.

trev_half_new

The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is only the fourth film to earn a notorious half-star rating, lodging it firmly at the top of the TWABM Hall Of Shame. Click here to see what other pishfests made the grade (or, indeed, failed to).

HOW CAN I SEE IT?
The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre is available on DVD in the UK. There’s no US release planned yet. Bet they’re gutted.

SHOW ME THE TRAILER:

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