Director: Catherine Hardwicke

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

“I hate you for making me want you so much.” (Edward, Twilight)

I’ve spoken of my dislike of a Twilight film before when my girlfriend dragged me to see Breaking Dawn Volume 1, but since then said girlfriend has become a fiancée and as such the values of compromise, sharing and such bollocks are reinforced more than ever. It’s for this reason then that I was recently sat down in front of Twilight, the first film in the interminable Twilight saga and the only one I hadn’t had the “pleasure” of seeing yet. Needless to say, my thoughts on the series haven’t changed after watching this 110-minute prologue.

Not everyone has nearly two hours to watch a bunch of fannies jumping about and pretending to be vampires, so I’ve decided to present you with a slightly rewritten version of the Twilight script. I’ve basically taken out all the needless romance stuff and left you with the core story. Enjoy. 

BELLA
I used to live in the city with my mum but she’s off shagging a baseball star so I’m moving back to Bumfuck, Washington to stay with my dad. Hi dad.

BELLA’S DAD
Hi Bella. I’m glad to see you back because you haven’t stayed here since you were four years old and I, and many of this tiny little backwards town, are going to consistently remind you of this to ensure the audience realises there’s no possible way you could know the town’s secrets.

BELLA
No worries. Hey, I need a car or something.

BELLA’S DAD
That’s alright, because here’s the seemingly native American family from across town, and it would appear that their son Jacob, who is your age and incredibly attractive but has hair like a woman, is a mechanic or something and he’s managed to get this big piece of shit truck working for you.

BELLA
I love it. I’m being completely genuine. In no way am I embarrassed by this truck.

*BELLA goes to school*

RANDOM TEENS
Nice truck, sleepy-faced new kid.

BELLA
I am immediately embarrassed by this truck.

*BELLA goes to the school cafeteria*

FEMALE NERDS
You can be our friend because you’re new and we’re the nerdy kids, even though we’re just cinema ‘nerd’ stereotypies in that we’re attractive actresses who’ve been ‘uglied up’ a bit so that we’re appealing but not unrealistically so.

MALE NERDS
And we’ll be your friends too, even though at times we’ll be really creepy by fighting each other to be nice to you and even committing minor sexual assaults on you by kissing you on the cheek before we even introduce ourselves to you. But don’t worry, because later on we’ll suddenly start to fancy the other female nerds without warning because, if we’re being honest, we’re just stereotypically desperate nerds and we’re happy to just get our knobs wet.

BELLA
Cool.

* Some pale people walk into the cafeteria*

BELLA
Who are those pale people?

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Those are the Cullens. They were all adopted by Doctor Cullen, and even though they’re not related to him in any way yet they all have the same weird eyes and inhumanly pale skin as him we’re not suspicious in the slightest.

BELLA
Okay. How about that one who just walked in a little later so he could come through the door in slow motion while I stare at him?

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
That’s Edward. He’s all moody and stuff, I definitely wouldn’t try to get with him because you definitely won’t. There’s no way in hell that would ever happen, and even if it were to happen, say 40 minutes later in the movie, I definitely won’t suddenly be incredibly cool with it and be really delighted that you’re dating a weird albino guy with a shit American accent.

BELLA
I’ll bear that in mind.

* BELLA goes to class and sees EDWARD there. EDWARD looks up and sees BELLA walk past a fan in slow motion so her hair blows around in a sexy manner. The fact that the classroom has a large fan switched on in the middle of fucking winter doesn’t seem to matter much*

*BELLA sits next to EDWARD but he acts all weird and looks in physical pain as if he’s wearing a vest made of cactus. He runs out of class as soon as it’s finished*

BELLA
I wonder what his problem is. I hope I don’t find out for fucking ages so this film can get pushed nearer the two-hour mark.

*BELLA sees EDWARD at the school reception trying to change his class, but he’s told he can’t. He goes off in a huff and isn’t seen for weeks.*

BELLA
I wonder where Edward went.

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Meh, the Cullens often just take long periods off school. Doctor Cullen takes them skiing a lot.

BELLA
Well all the other ones are sitting over there.

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Let’s talk about the prom again because it’s been at least five minutes.

*BELLA goes to class one day and sees EDWARD sitting at his desk*

EDWARD
Hello there, you must be Bella.

BELLA
Yes I am. I’m not going to ask you why you were acting like I was the human embodiment of the AIDS virus before, instead I’m going to be suspicious of you but in a slightly flirty way.

EDWARD
Alright. We should hang out, by the way.

BELLA
Okay.

EDWARD
I’ve suddenly decided we shouldn’t hang out any more.

BELLA
Why not?

EDWARD
I have a secret but I won’t tell you what it is.

BELLA
Fuck you then.

*BELLA is in the school car park when BLACK NERDY GUY speeds in, loses control of his car and heads straight for her. EDWARD, who is at the other end of the parking lot, manages to zoom over in a split second and puts his hand out, stopping the car in its tracks and putting a huge dent in it. BELLA is taken to the hospital to be checked out*

DR CULLEN
You seem fine to me.

BELLA
I know, Edward saved me. I’m going to go talk to him.

*BELLA finds EDWARD*

BELLA
How did you get across the car park so quickly?

EDWARD
I was standing right next to you.

BELLA
You clearly weren’t, and what’s more, the car park was full of people who were all watching because the speeding car caught their attention. There must have been at least 100 people who saw you dash across the parking lot at light speed and stop that car with your arm.

EDWARD
Well, for some reason, nobody actually saw it, so it’s your word against mine.

BELLA
Are you serious?

EDWARD
It’s called a plothole, just go with it.

BELLA
Right. How did you do it then?

EDWARD
I’m still not telling.

BELLA
Well it’s been about 45 minutes now so I hope I find out soon.

EDWARD
Well I’m not telling. And don’t go and talk to the Native American guy with the woman’s hair, because he might actually tell you and advance this bastard of a plot.

*BELLA goes to the beach and talks to JACOB*

BELLA
What’s the deal with Edward then?

JACOB
Well, you know how my people were descended from wolves?

BELLA
Wolves? Like… wolves, as in wolves? (actual dialogue)

JACOB
Yes, which is why I said wolves. Well, Edward’s family were descended from something else.

BELLA
From what?

JACOB
Well, I could tell you, but I’d rather you went to the really dangerous part of town and bought a book about it from a really obscure Native American bookshop. You know, the one right next to the dark alleyway.

BELLA
Okay, I’ll do that.

*BELLA goes to school*

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Bella, we’re going to go buy prom dresses. I’m going to get one that makes my tits look big, just in case anyone who didn’t notice that I could potentially be attractive will finally get the message. This will also inspire young teenage girls not entirely happy with their appearance that if you wear a dress that makes your tits stick out you will be more confident or something.

BELLA
Doesn’t sound like my sort of thing. Which shop are you going to?

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
The one in the dangerous part of town, near the obscure Native American bookshop.

BELLA
Okay, I’ll come but I probably won’t hang about for long. I’ll probably leave the shop after a while and go missing for ages.

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Like, cool beans dude.

*BELLA goes to the bookshop and buys a book about wolves. As she leaves she’s encountered by a GANG OF RAPISTS*

GANG OF RAPISTS
Evening Bella. We’re going to rape you now.

BELLA
I’d really rather you didn’t.

GANG OF RAPISTS
We don’t really negotiate about these things we’re afraid.

BELLA
Well that’s disappointing.

*EDWARD suddenly turns up in a sports car, gets out and looks at the GANG OF RAPISTS who run away even though there’s loads of them and it’s not like he’s a vampire or anything. EDWARD and BELLA get in the car and drive off*

EDWARD
I’m livid. I want to go back and kill them.

BELLA
Don’t, that wouldn’t be productive.

EDWARD
Then say something to take my mind off it.

BELLA
Put your seat belt on. (actual dialogue)

EDWARD
I don’t need to put my seat belt on, I’m a vampire.

BELLA
What?

EDWARD
Nothing. Anyway, I’m still not going to tell you my secret. Let’s go and find your friends so they know you’re okay, even though they never called you or anything and it’s pitch black now while it was daylight when you were at the shop.

*EDWARD and BELLA find the NERDY GIRLS.*

BELLA
Sorry I didn’t come back, I met Edward and we got talking.

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Well, it looks to me like you two are an item now. Despite what I said way back at the start of the film I’m surprisingly very cool with this even though the guy looks weird as fuck and doesn’t talk to anyone and lives with an adopted family who all look like they were in a talcum powder fight even though they’re not related.

BELLA
Great. We’re going for dinner. Bye then!

POTENTIALLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE NERD
Bye!

EDWARD
I’m not going to eat anything, because I never do. It’s all part of my secret which I’m definitely still not going to tell you.

BELLA
Okay. Well, I’m off home to read my book.

*BELLA reads the book. It’s about werewolves and vampires. She goes online to find out more. She deduces from the book that since vampires move really fast, don’t eat food and look weird then EDWARD must be one. She goes to school and takes EDWARD to the forest conveniently located right on the school grounds*

BELLA
I think you’re a vampire.

EDWARD
I’m not.

BELLA
Well I think you are.

EDWARD
Okay then, I am. Are you scared?

BELLA
No.

EDWARD
Right. Well, jump on my back and we’ll leg it up the top of this hill because the CGI guys have been sitting on their arses waiting for something to do.

*BELLA jumps on his back and they go up to the top of the hill at light speed*

EDWARD
I want to show you what I look like in the light.

BELLA
Won’t you turn into ash? I thought sunlight burned vampires?

EDWARD
Maybe in every other vampire tale ever known to man. But this is a vampire tale aimed at young teenage girls.

BELLA
What happens then?

EDWARD
My skin turns to diamonds. Also, my stomach turns into a DKNY handbag and I can piss Smirnoff Ice.

BELLA
So what about other vampire things? Are you scared of crosses?

EDWARD
No.

BELLA
Garlic or holy water?

EDWARD
No. In fact, my mum is going to make you Italian food later in the film, which probably has garlic in it.

BELLA
Do you die if you stand in running water?

EDWARD
No. The complete opposite, in fact – by the time we get to the fourth movie we’re going to spend half the fucking film standing in the sea and the other half playing chess like a couple of dicks.

BELLA
Okay then. Finally, can people see your reflection in mirrors?

EDWARD
Absolutely. And just to prove it, the final fight in this film will take place in a room full of mirrors. Oh, and unlike other vampires, I can read minds. Except yours.

BELLA
Well I think that’s covered everything then. I think we should go out.

EDWARD
And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. (actual dialogue)

BELLA
What a stupid lamb. (actual dialogue)

EDWARD
What a sick, masochistic lion. (actual dialogue)

BELLA
I’d like to meet your family.

EDWARD
Okay. For some reason they’re completely cool with the fact that I’m over 100 years old and I’m dating a human teenager.

*BELLA goes to EDWARD’s house for dinner*

EDWARD
This is my family. This is ALICE, who can see into the future, but sometimes it changes, which essentially means she’s just guessing and can’t really see into the future at all.

BELLA
How come she can see into the future but you can’t? And why can’t she read minds like you?

EDWARD
I’d have thought it was clear after the diamond skin thing that the author of these books was just pulling special abilities out of her arse and chucking them around like we were the fucking X-Men.

BELLA
Fair enough.

EDWARD
You should meet some of our extended family, who never made it into the books. My cousin in France can see through walls, and my uncle in Italy can instantly work out how many days old you are if you tell him your date of birth.

BELLA
Right. So introduce me to the rest of your family here.

EDWARD
I would but I actually can’t remember their names because they’re so shit. This is blonde girl, who I think is my sister. Either way, she hates you for no reason. And this is nervous-looking other man, who hangs about with Alice.

BELLA
He’s looking really nervous.

ALICE
He’s only a new vampire. We’re vegetarians so we don’t eat people, and he’s really struggling to get used to it now because you’re in here. He can smell you and he’s hungry.

BELLA
Funny that, because he goes to school with you and is surrounded by humans, including me, for eight hours a day and seems to manage fine.

ALICE
Ah. Um… okay, I just saw into the future or something and Edward took you to his room to change the subject.

EDWARD
Let me show you my room.

*they go to EDWARD’s room*

EDWARD
You’ll notice I have a lot of CDs of classical music, just to reinforce the fact that I’m old. In fact, I’ll probably play the piano later because I’m a musician in real life and I want to use this film to make the predominantly female audience fall in love with me even more and maybe buy my album if I ever release one.

BELLA
I’d buy it.

EDWARD
Thanks. (looks to camera) And I’m sure all of you watching will too, right girls? (looks at Bella) Oh, and my room has a door that leads out into the forest but I always leave it completely open so I can quickly run out it and up a tree whenever the CGI guys need something to do.

BELLA
Nice room.

EDWARD
Thanks. Come with me.

*they run into the forest and up a tree*

BELLA
Well, now I know you’re a vampire and it’s taken about 70 minutes, which means most films would be starting to wrap up around now. Is this really all that’s going to happen?

EDWARD
No, there’ll be a big fight at the end but not for a while yet.

BELLA
Okay. What shall we do until then?

EDWARD
Well, there’s a Muse song on the soundtrack that hasn’t been used yet so we should probably go and do something with a montage so we can get that in there.

BELLA
Of course. What should we do then?

EDWARD
Let’s go and play vampire baseball because if there’s a baseball bit then maybe girls will be able to convince their boyfriends to watch the film with them.

BELLA
Perfect.

*BELLA, EDWARD and the rest of the Cullens go to a big field in the middle of nowhere and play baseball while Supermassive Black Hole by Muse plays in the background. They do lots of ridiculous things that humans can’t do, just to show the teenage girls in the audience that if you’re a vampire, even baseball can be cool. Suddenly, THREE BAD VAMPIRES show up*

THREE BAD VAMPIRES
What’s the haps, vampires we’ve never met before?

DR CULLEN
Not much, we’re just playing baseball. We had a Muse song to use up.

THREE BAD VAMPIRES
Ah, right. Hate when that happens. Last week we had to go surfing to My Chemical Romance.

DR CULLEN
What are you doing here?

THREE BAD VAMPIRES
We’re the ones who’ve been doing all the killings.

*the Cullens stare blankly*

THREE BAD VAMPIRES
You know, the killings that have been happening throughout the film. The ones that have been happening off-screen so nobody can actually see them.

DR CULLEN
Ah, right. I completely forgot about those.

WHITE MALE BAD VAMPIRE
Actually, because they were such dull scenes, so did we until you just asked us what we were doing. Anyway, we want to be your friends because you’re all vampires like us. Every single one of you. Even that one who smells like a human. Actually, wait, she actually is a human. I should probably eat her or something.

*EDWARD and BELLA escape by getting in the car and driving away*

BELLA
Why are we driving away?

EDWARD
Don’t you remember? One of those bad vampires really wanted to eat you.

BELLA
No, I mean why are we using the car to escape? Can’t I just jump on your back again? Earlier in the film you ran much faster than this car’s going.

EDWARD
Um, no, because… the scent. Or something.

BELLA
If their sense of smell is that good they’d still be able to smell me if I was sitting in a car.

EDWARD
I have a Magic Tree. Anyway, we should leave Bumfuck, Washington because it’s not safe for you anymore.

BELLA
What about my dad? He’ll be devastated.

EDWARD
Just tell him the cruellest thing you can possibly think of. He’ll be fine.

*BELLA goes home and packs her bags*

BELLA
Dad, I’m leaving Bumfuck.

BELLA’S DAD
Why?

BELLA
I had a big fight with Edward, and I’ve decided that the best way to deal with it is to go back to where my mum stays, even though she’s gone on the road and isn’t there.

BELLA’S DAD
But I only just got you back. What reason could you have for leaving again?

BELLA
What was it mum said to you when she left that really hurt your feelings and properly crushed you?

BELLA’S DAD
Something about how if she didn’t get out now she’d be stuck here.

BELLA
Well, that.

*BELLA and EDWARD drive away*

BELLA
He looked devastated.

EDWARD
He’ll be fine by the end of the film, even though you were a proper cow and the teenage audience shouldn’t like you any more, but they do.

BELLA
So what next?

EDWARD
You’re going to go back to your hometown with Alice and someone else I can’t remember just now, and I’ll go with the other no-names to a different place to throw the evil vampire off the scent. He’ll never figure it out.

*The EVIL VAMPIRE figures it out and heads to BELLA’s home town*

ALICE
I’m getting a vision of the future. I see a lot of mirrors laid out across the wall.

BELLA
It’s definitely my old ballet studio. It’s the only place in the world that has mirrors on the wall.

*the phone rings*

BELLA
Hello?

EVIL VAMPIRE
Hi Bella, it’s the evil vampire. I’m at your ballet studio, the one with the mirrors on the wall. I’ve got your mum here.

BELLA
I thought she was on the road?

EVIL VAMPIRE
Um… no, she’s here. Better come and get her.

BELLA
Okay.

*BELLA goes to the ballet studio, the EVIL VAMPIRE kicks the shit out of her and bites her arm, EDWARD turns up and kicks the shit out of the EVIL VAMPIRE, then cures BELLA by sucking the venom out of her arm because it turns out vampires are basically snakes now. BELLA wakes up in hospital, thanks EDWARD and they go to the prom*

BELLA
Look, it’s my nerdy friends, they’re all at the prom too.

NERDY FRIENDS
Hi Bella, we’re really glad you’re here even though you completely lied to us earlier in the film about not coming because you had a family engagement you definitely couldn’t cancel.

BELLA
Thanks. Look, there’s Jacob too. I had completely forgotten he was even in this film.

JACOB
Don’t worry, I’ll turn into a werewolf in the next one so the author can fuck up their legacy like she did with vampires. Plus I’ll take my top off a lot so the audience can swoon and such. For now, I’ll just say that my dad says Edward is a wanker and you shouldn’t go out with him.

BELLA
Okay, but I will.

*JACOB leaves*

BELLA
Edward, I want you to turn me into a vampire so I can be with you forever.

EDWARD
No, I’m just going to kiss you instead. That way we can wait until the fourth story and I’ll turn you into a vampire then, so we can make extra book and movie money.

BELLA
Sounds like a plan, chief.

THE END

Well, there you have it. That was Twilight. Surely you don’t need a review after all that, but allow me to summarise. Twilight takes a mythical beast – the vampire – and turns it into something from a Miley Cyrus film. It’s over-sentimental pish and while it’s clearly popular, I just don’t understand why. Sorry ladies!

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
Seriously? Okay, it’s your funeral. Get the DVD for a few quid here, or get in a box set with the second and third films here. If you want the Blu-rays the single film can be found here while the trilogy boxset is here for around £14.

If you enjoyed this review and would like to read more, here’s a complete list of reviews on That Was A Bit Mental.

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