Starring: Morgan Fairchild, Brian Bremer, Christopher Wolf, Sara Suzanne Brown, Michele Matheson, Don Dowe
Also known as: Virgin Hunters
“We come from your future. Our mission here is to prevent a corporate takeover of the planet, and the banning of sex between consenting adults.” (Naldo, Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000)
Let’s face it, even if you don’t know anything about this film you already know why I decided to watch and review it.
Yes, I’m a sucker for a great film title, and if my rating at the end of each review was based on titles alone this little beauty would find itself in the Hall Of Fame with gusto.
Sadly however, the film itself doesn’t quite live up to the heady expectations set by its name – how could it ever expect to? – and as such the number of Trevor Moorhouse heads you see at the bottom is lower than one would have hoped.
Here’s another thing I didn’t expect: it turns out that rather than the comedy sci-fi film I was expecting, this is actually supposed to be a softcore porn film. Oh.
Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000 is rather confusingly set in the year 2019, in which a trio of high school students is told a shocking secret and asked to save the world. No pressure, then.
You see, in the year 2019 sex is outlawed, and everyone’s born in test tubes instead (hence the name). In fact, not only is sex illegal, it’s been outright eliminated from public knowledge: the teenagers who grew up without it in their lives don’t know it used to happen and have no idea people used to be born that way.
One rebellious teacher, who still remembers the good old days of bumping uglies, decides enough is enough. He takes three of his pupils aside – Vin (a boy), Naldo (a boy) and Reena (a girl) – and tells them the truth: about sex, human birth, everything.
He then tells them about Camella Swales, the woman who was single-handedly responsible for the abolition of sex. Simply put, had it not been for her everyone would still be doing the no-pants dance and loving it.
Then comes another surprise: the teacher has a time machine (of course he fucking does). The plan, therefore, is for Vin and Naldo to go back in time, find Camella and change history to ensure she doesn’t end up banning the beast with two backs. Shagging, I mean.
There’s just one catch: she works at an all-girls school, meaning our two male students have to dress up as girls. Why their teacher couldn’t have just sent the girl instead, I don’t know.
As you’d expect, hijinks ensue, with the boys coming close to being caught numerous times and risking their identity to try and discover sex for the first time in a school full of virginal beauties.
And discover it they do: a lot. As I watched Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000 I started thinking “this is borderline softcore porn”, to the extent that I felt the need to keep reminding my wife I was genuinely under the impression I was watching a sci-fi comedy.
Indeed, I later discovered that Torchlight Entertainment, the studio that released it, was actually none other than my favourite ’80s B-movie studio Full Moon under a new softcore porn label.
Needless to say then, there are more tits here than a Tory backbench, so if nudity isn’t your bag you might want to give this one a miss.
That said, despite this, the nudity falls into a sort of Goldilocks level of acceptability. While if you don’t want a softcore porno there’s just too much of it, there are ‘only’ about six or so dodgy scenes so if you’re going into it expecting pure porn you’ll find there isn’t enough.
Anyway, back to the plot (because that’s the important thing in porn). It eventually emerges that the reason Camella banned sex is because she was shunned by the love of her life and decided that if she couldn’t get her rocks off, nobody could. If only there was another man who could woo her…
Enter Lex 500, a shameless Terminator rip-off who has been sent from the future by Camella’s corporation to kill our two heroes and stop them changing the course of time. That is, until he’s captured and reprogrammed to chat her up.
In case you hadn’t already guessed, Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000 is a far better title than it is a film. The jokes often fall flat, the drag costumes are as convincing as a ginger person’s fake tan and the whole thing is just hokey as hell.
Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000‘s low rating earns it a place in the notorious TWABM Hall Of Shame. Click here to see what other pishfests made the grade (or, indeed, failed to).
HOW CAN I SEE IT?
If you live in the UK and want a copy of TTTFTY2000 then tough titties (ahem), it isn’t out here. You’ll also struggle to find it in the US, unless you realise it has an alternative title: Virgin Hunters (even though there’s absolutely no virgin hunting to be found in it). Here’s the American DVD.
SHOW ME THE TRAILER (skip to 2:05):
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