Zardoz (1974) review

Zardoz posterDirector: John Boorman

Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, John Alderton, Sara Kestelman, Niall Buggy, Sally Anne Newton

ZARDOZ – “You have been raised up from brutality to kill the Brutals who multiply and are legion. To this end Zardoz, your God, gave you the gift of the gun. The gun is good!”

EXTERMINATORS – “The gun is good!”

ZARDOZ – “The penis is evil! The penis shoots seeds and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth and kill! Zardoz has spoken.”

I don’t know how I feel about John Boorman.

The English director has been responsible for both one of the most effective films I’ve seen (Deliverance), and one of the most infuriating piles of pish I’ve ever had to struggle through (Exorcist II: The Heretic).

Zardoz, his bizarre sci-fi film in which a half-naked Sean Connery tries to bring down a community of immortals in the year 2293, has me similarly conflicted. It’s both shite and incredible at the same time, but leaning slightly towards the latter. Continue reading “Zardoz (1974) review”

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Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery (2014) review

Scooby Doo Wrestlemania Mystery posterDirector: Brandon Vietti

Starring: Voices of Frank Welker, Matthew Lillard, Vince McMahon, John Cena, Triple H, Michael Cole, Kane, Brodus Clay, The Miz, Santino Marella, AJ Lee

“Sin Cara believes the spirit of the beast has been stirred by Wrestlemania itself, which is why the monster is risen from the grave to have its revenge. But fear not. It is now Sin Cara’s honour and duty to continue his great great great grandfather’s legacy and protect WWE City at any cost.” (John Cena, Scooby-Doo! Wrestlemania Mystery)

Some crossovers make complete sense. The Jetsons Meet The Flintstones was the perfect fish-out-of-water scenario times two, while Freddy Vs Jason was the natural clash of two of horror’s biggest icons. Ditto Alien Vs Predator with sci-fi, and Mario & Sonic in gaming.

But sometimes you get a crossover that seemingly resulted from two darts being randomly thrown at a massive list of pop culture names and licences.

In the past this apparent method has resulted in the likes of Archie Meets The Punisher, Charles Barkley Vs Godzilla and now this, a bizarre mash-up of Scooby Doo and Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment. And you know something? It’s half-decent. Continue reading “Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery (2014) review”

Hellgate (1989) review

Hellgate posterDirector: William Levey

Starring: Ron Palillo, Abigail Wolcott, Carel Trichardt, Petrea Curran

“Take this, you zombie bitch!” (Pam, Hellgate)

Have you ever suffered from PMS? I have. No, you fool, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about Plot Missing Syndrome.

You know how it works. Sometimes you’re watching a film and you’re slightly tired. You nod off without realising it and wake up 30 minutes later, none the wiser.

Slowly you start to realise that the film isn’t making sense any more. Characters are talking about things that haven’t happened. The hero and his love interest suddenly hate each other for some reason. One guy’s missing a leg.

It eventually dawns on you that you must have fallen asleep. You rewind back to the last scene you remember and, more often than not, are stunned that you managed to miss around half an hour without noticing.

When I first watched Hellgate, I thought PMS had struck again. So I watched the film a second time from start to finish and realised, to my bewilderment, that it actually hadn’t. Continue reading “Hellgate (1989) review”