Director: Brian De Palma
Starring: William Finley, Paul Williams, Jessica Harper, Gerrit Graham
“Look, Philbin. I am a professional. I have been in this business a long time. Now, if I don’t want to perform, it’s not because I got stage fright. It’s because some creature from beyond doesn’t want me to do the show. Now gangway.” (Beef, Phantom Of The Paradise)
Director: Don Siegel
Starring: Lee Marvin, Angie Dickinson, John Cassavetes, Clu Gulager, Ronald Reagan
“It’s not only the money. Maybe we get that and maybe we don’t. But I gotta find out what makes a man decide not to run. Why, all of a sudden, he’d rather die.” (Charlie, The Killers)
I’ve never been a professional hitman (*taps nose*) but I’m sure if I was I wouldn’t be surprised to see most of my targets leg it as soon as they noticed their time was potentially up.
Charlie (the legendary Lee Marvin) shares my opinion. That’s why, after being hired to put a hit on a guy said to have stolen a million dollars, Charlie is curious to know why said chap didn’t try to run away before he was shot down.
Eager to know what’s going on, Charlie and his hitman partner Lee (Clu Gulager) begin a line of enquiries that see them visiting a string of friends – and enemies – of Johnny North, the man he was paid to kill. Continue reading “The Killers (1964) review”
Director: Tony Maylam
Starring: Brian Matthews, Leah Ayres, Brian Backer, Jason Alexander
“They never found his body, but he survived. He lives on whatever he can catch. Eats them raw, alive. No longer human. Right now, he’s out there. Watching, waiting. Don’t look: he’ll see you. Don’t move: he’ll hear you. Don’t breathe: you’re dead!” (Todd, The Burning)
Although there were a number of slasher films before Friday The 13th (most notably Halloween and Black Christmas), it was that film’s success which led to the birth of a sub-genre that was by far the most oft-imitated during the ’80s: the camp slasher.
(Obviously, by that I mean slasher films set in a summer camp, as opposed to films where a killer prances around going “oo-er missus” before stabbing someone.)
One of the earliest imitations – and one of the best, actually – was The Burning, a film written and produced by the then-indie Weinstein brothers and their small studio Miramax. Continue reading “The Burning (1981) (Video Nasty review #9)”
Directors: Albert Band, Charles Band
Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Yvette Nipar, Brian Thompson, Jay Acovone
“Before this is over, I will drink your blood and feed on your flesh, and it will taste sweet.” (Kabal, Doctor Mordrid)
The story goes that indie studio Full Moon had originally done a deal with Marvel Comics to make a film adaptation of its Dr Strange comics. However, negotiations fell apart at the last minute and so an extensive rewrite was needed.
The result was Doctor Mordrid, a film that doesn’t share an awful lot with Marvel’s hero other than his titular medical qualifications. That’s not to say it doesn’t still have a degree of charm, though.
Doctor Anton Mordrid has been living in New York for 150 years, waiting for the promised return of the evil Kabal (Brian Thompson, best known for playing an alien bounty hunter in The X-Files), who a prophecy dictates will eventually break out of his dimensional space castle prison cell and come to Earth. Seriously. Continue reading “Doctor Mordrid (1992) review”
Director: Albert Band
Starring: Don Michael Paul, Barbara Crampton, James Staley, Lisa Rinna, Danny Kamekona
DRAKE – “It’s getting ugly out here chief, request surface troops on the double.”
LT PLUNKETT – “Request denied. Stop acting like a weak sister.”
As you may have guessed, this review isn’t about the 1998 BBC TV show in which Craig Charles commentated while a bunch of pale recluses battled their own custom-made robots, before fidgeting nervously as the producers cruelly get a beautiful woman to try and get an excruciating interview out of them.
No, this is yet another low-budget offering by beloved B-movie studio Full Moon, this time pitting two massive mechanical monstrosities against each other while the filmmakers cruelly get a beautiful woman to try and solve a mystery in the process.
So you see, it’s very different. Except for the big robots and the beautiful woman. And the cruelty. Continue reading “Robot Wars (1993) review”
Director: Charles Band
Starring: Mel Johnson Jr, Michael Citriniti, Jacqueline Lovell, Rhonda Griffin, Tracie May
“You’re fired! You’re fired from everywhere! You’re fired from the fucking universe!” (Belinda, Hideous!)
What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever found in a sewer? What’s that? You don’t do raking around in sewers? Oh. Right. Um, me neither.
But if I did, chances are I probably wouldn’t come across odd little mutant baby things. That’s what one sewage treatment worker finds at the start of Hideous!, another low-budget grotfest from indie horror studio Full Moon.
The man hands over said mutation to Belinda Yost, a woman who specialises in selling mutations to collectors. Which is one hell of a niche market, but let’s go with it for the sake of the film. Continue reading “Hideous! (1997) review”
Director: Andrew Jones
Starring: Sophia Del Pizzo, Lee Bane, Andy Evason, Eileen Daly
LISA – “What’s that smell?”
DELANEY – “It always hangs in the air. No matter how much we bleach the floor, there is always that smell of death.”
In December 1975, George and Kathy Lutz moved into 112 Ocean Avenue, a house in Amityville where thirteen months previously, a man had shot and killed six members of his family.
The Lutz family left the house after only a month, claiming they had been terrorised by evil paranormal forces living there. A book entitled The Amityville Horror was released two years later and the story went on to spawn a number of movies.
The Amityville Asylum is the eleventh movie to use the Amityville story as part of its plot, but in reality this review’s already discussed it more than the film does. Continue reading “The Amityville Asylum (2013) review”
Director: Bob Clark
Starring: Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Keir Dullea, Marian Waldman
Also known as: Silent Night, Evil Night (USA title)
“Little baby bunting, daddy’s went a-hunting, gonna fetch a rabbit skin to wrap his baby Agnes in.” (The Killer, Black Christmas)
Although Halloween is credited as the film that kicked off the slasher genre and Friday The 13th is the considered the one that inspired a slew of imitations, Black Christmas pre-dates them both by nearly half a decade.
This makes it all the more impressive, then, that despite being one of the earliest proper examples of the genre, it remains one of the better slasher movies 40 years after its original release. Continue reading “Black Christmas (1974) review”
Director: Reynir Lyngdal
Starring: Anna Gunndís Guðmundsdóttir, Björn Thors
“If anyone can hear me, my name is Agla Helgadottir and I am calling from the base camp of the glacial research expedition. There are two of us here. One man is dead and five others are missing. Please send help, I don’t know what is going on here.” (Agla, Frost)
Unlike many horror film fans, I’m not yet sick of the ‘found footage’ genre. First made popular with The Blair Witch Project (although Cannibal Holocaust preceded it by decades), when a film uses it properly it can be bloody effective.
Unfortunately, most films don’t. For the most part, ‘found footage’ is a solution to a problem – usually a funding one – rather than a deliberate artistic style. Why bother with lighting, shot composition and the like when you can just go down the shakycam route and slash the budget drastically?
Frost is, unfortunately, one of the worst examples of this I’ve seen in a long time. Despite having a potentially interesting setting for a film of this genre and a trailer that genuinely excited me, the actual result falls short in so many ways it might as well have been directed by a midget to complete the full set. Continue reading “Frost (2012) review”
Director: William Levey
Starring: Ron Palillo, Abigail Wolcott, Carel Trichardt, Petrea Curran
“Take this, you zombie bitch!” (Pam, Hellgate)
Have you ever suffered from PMS? I have. No, you fool, I don’t mean that. I’m talking about Plot Missing Syndrome.
You know how it works. Sometimes you’re watching a film and you’re slightly tired. You nod off without realising it and wake up 30 minutes later, none the wiser.
Slowly you start to realise that the film isn’t making sense any more. Characters are talking about things that haven’t happened. The hero and his love interest suddenly hate each other for some reason. One guy’s missing a leg.
It eventually dawns on you that you must have fallen asleep. You rewind back to the last scene you remember and, more often than not, are stunned that you managed to miss around half an hour without noticing.
When I first watched Hellgate, I thought PMS had struck again. So I watched the film a second time from start to finish and realised, to my bewilderment, that it actually hadn’t. Continue reading “Hellgate (1989) review”
That Was A Bit Mental 