Author: Chris Scullion

Chris Scullion is a Scottish video games journalist who's been covering video games professionally for 16 years. For the first six years of his career he worked at the Official Nintendo Magazine in the UK, then became the Games Editor of CVG before its untimely end. After setting up his own site, Tired Old Hack, Chris then joined Video Games Chronicle (VGC) where he is currently Features Editor. He has a passion for retro games and cataloguing their history, hence his ongoing series of console encyclopedia books (search his name on Amazon).

The Tenant (2012) review

Published on May 23, 2014May 23, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Chris Jaymes

Starring: David Arquette, Kristen Dalton, Victor Browne, Morissa O’Mara, Alana O’Mara

Also known as: The Cottage (US title)

“Listen, I’m really sorry but it’s just really important to me that we’re cool with each other, because honestly, I think I’m falling in love with your daughter.” (Robert, The Tenant)

I usually have a soft spot for actors that are widely regarded as a bit pish. I will defend Ben Affleck to the death, for example, and Charlie Sheen may have his critics but he’s alright in my book.

Much as I’d love to say the same about David Arquette though, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Continue reading “The Tenant (2012) review” →

AVP: Alien vs Predator (2004) review

Published on May 21, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Paul W S Anderson

Starring: Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Raoul Bova, Ewen Bremner

“They’re not hunting us. We’re in the middle of a war. It’s time to pick a side.” (Alexa, AVP: Alien vs Predator)

How do you bring two of the most iconic sci-fi monsters together so they can meet and fight each other?

Hmmm. What if there was some sort of common ground they shared, something that could be used to force a meeting?

Let’s think. On one hand you’ve got the Alien, the penis-headed xenomorph that made life hell for Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies. Which lives in space.

Then there’s the Predator, the alien hunter that made life hell for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first Predator movie. Which lives in space.

Right then, with that in mind it seems pretty obvious how a storyline for Alien vs Predator could come about. Yup, you guessed it, a fight to the death in an ancient underground pyramid 2000 feet below the ground. In Antarctica. Continue reading “AVP: Alien vs Predator (2004) review” →

The Attic (2013) review

Published on May 13, 2014May 13, 2014 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Josh Stolberg

Starring: Raleigh Holmes, Steven Weber, Sterling Beaumon, Lori Laughlin, Jonathan Silverman, Paul James

Also known as: Crawlspace (US title)

TIM – “You don’t fuck with another man’s home.”
ALDON – “I was about to say the same thing myself.”

There are a number of reasons I tend to watch indie horror films I’ve never heard of.

Part of it is down to the complete lack of knowledge of what’s coming next. I enjoy movies more when I don’t even know the basic plot.

It’s also because I like seeing what sort of ideas filmmakers can come up with when they only have a relatively small budget.

Best of all though, when you watch hundreds of films and most of them are shite, it’s even more satisfying than normal when you come across a hidden gem. Cue The Attic. Continue reading “The Attic (2013) review” →

Eurovision 2014: My liveblog

Published on May 10, 2014October 27, 2023 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

If you don’t think the Eurovision Song Contest should be on this website, you’ve clearly never seen it before.

Its selection of ‘unique’ performances means it sure as shit qualifies as “a bit mental”.

Here, then, are my entire thoughts on the show’s performances, as I tweeted them at the time. Continue reading “Eurovision 2014: My liveblog” →

Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield (1998) review

Published on May 9, 2014May 9, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Rod Hardy

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Lisa Rinna, Sandra Hess, Neil Roberts, Garry Chalk, Tracy Waterhouse

“I do not intend to spend the last few hours of my life on this planet in the Helicarrier’s sick bay. I’ll get that vampire’s blood if I have to suck it from her neck.” (Nick Fury, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield)

When you think of Nick Fury these days, chances are the first image that springs to mind is Samuel L Jackson’s face.

In a way it was a hell of an achievement for Marvel to have taken a comic book character who’s been white for the best part of 40 years and in nearly no time at all make us all associate him with Mr L Jackson instead. Props and such.

Less props were offered to Marvel in the ’90s when it happily handed out the Nick Fury licence to 20th Century Fox, who in turn created a made-for-TV movie that doubled as a pilot for a potential TV series (it wasn’t greenlit). This is that movie. Continue reading “Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield (1998) review” →

Mental Foreign Film Posters: Ghana

Published on May 4, 2014May 4, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Remember the alternative version of 300 where Gerard Butler was replaced by the guy who played Treguard in Knightmare? Well, now you do.

Earlier this year I shared some examples of Poland’s bizarre movie poster art. But the Poles don’t have the monopoly on advertising films in odd ways.

In the mid 1980s VCR technology came to Ghana, allowing entrepreneurial types to run their own film screenings.

Armed with their VCR, a TV and a portable generator, these kind chaps would travel around Ghanaian towns and set up a sort of temporary cinema, showing the locals a film then moving on to the next location.

In order to promote their screenings, they hired local artists to create movie posters for them. Sometimes these posters were little more than paintings of the actual VHS cover, but sometimes – often when the artist hadn’t actually seen the film – the results were a little more bizarre.

These days Ghana’s economy is beginning to thrive and this practice is far less common, mainly because many Ghanaians are able to afford their own televisions and DVD players. But it’s fun to take a look back at how it used to be back in the day.

Continue reading “Mental Foreign Film Posters: Ghana” →

My Bloody Valentine (1981) review

Published on May 2, 2014May 2, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: George Mihalka

Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Cynthia Dale, Helene Udy, Alf Humphreys

“Roses are red, violets are blue, one is dead… and so are you.” (killer’s note, My Bloody Valentine)

Valentine’s Day can be a pain in the arse at the best of times.

If you’re single it can be a thoroughly depressing affair as you hear countless tales of lovebirds wooing each other with gifts and other tokens of their adoration.

Meanwhile, being one of said lovebirds is no picnic either, what with the stress of having to buy your partner a present and hoping it’s the right size, or the right colour, or the specific type they asked for.

All of this pales in comparison to the small rural American town of Valentine’s Bluff, though. There Valentine’s Day can be a real killer. Literally. Continue reading “My Bloody Valentine (1981) review” →

Killers From Space (1954) review

Published on April 29, 2014April 29, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: W. Lee Wilder

Starring: Peter Graves, James Seay, Steve Pendleton, Frank Gerstle

DOUG – Where do you come from?
DENEB TALA – From a planet yet unknown to you.
DOUG – You know my name. You speak English.
DENEB TALA – We speak every language.

If the title has you curious as to what this one’s about let me end your suspense – it’s about killers from space. And it’s shite.

A young Peter Graves (decades before his role as the white-haired Captain Oveur in Airplane!) plays Doctor Doug Martin, a scientist working for the US military. Continue reading “Killers From Space (1954) review” →

Robocop 3 (1993) review

Published on April 28, 2014April 28, 2014 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Fred Dekker

Starring: Robert Burke, Remy Ryan, Rip Torn, Nancy Allen, Mako, Stephen Root, CCH Pounder

MCDAGGETT – “In twenty seconds, everything within 30 metres of where we’re standing will be atomised. We’re dead, you stupid slag!”
ROBOCOP – “Don’t count on it, chum.”

The general consensus is that Robocop 3 is a bucket of pish. Oddly, I don’t agree with this.

Maybe it’s because I appreciate the way this one tries to do something different, even if it isn’t always successful. Maybe it’s because I like the Frank Miller script.

Or maybe it’s because I have my own website dedicated to shit films. Continue reading “Robocop 3 (1993) review” →

Robocop 2 (1990) review

Published on April 25, 2014April 25, 2014 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Irvin Kershner

Starring: Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Dan O’Herlihy, Belinda Bauer, Tom Noonan, Gabriel Damon

CAIN – “You want me?”
ROBOCOP – “Dead or alive.”
CAIN – “One of us must die.”
ROBOCOP – “Dead, then.”

Spare a thought for Alex Murphy.

Having gained recognition as a top-notch cop, he was soon transferred to Detroit where he was promptly peppered with bullets and literally blown to pieces before his first shift had even ended.

Then, rather than being allowed to rest in peace, his head and brain were slapped inside a big robotic body and he became Robocop, a living test subject created as a prototype for the future of law enforcement.

Finally, as if he hadn’t been humiliated enough, he had to appear at a WCW wrestling event to help one of the wrestlers get out of a tiny cage. Christ. Continue reading “Robocop 2 (1990) review” →