It’s December, and that can only mean one thing. Yes, it’s Slovenian Independence Day on the 26th.
As a warm-up to that big occasion, there’s also a smaller event on the previous day called Christmas, where families come together and give each other presents and eat food and get fat and get miserable for the next eleven months until they lose the fat then they decide to lose more weight because they know they’re probably going to get fat again next Christmas. It’s good fun.
With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of the 25 Christmas horror films you should watch to get in the festive mood. Ladies, gentlemen, children with irresponsible parents who let you watch films you’re too young for, I give you the That Was A Bit Mental Shoddily Photoshopped Advent Calendar Of Christmas Horror Films And That. Continue reading “The TWABM Advent Calendar (AKA the 25 best Christmas horror movies)”→
Starring: Richard Rankin, Louise Stewart, Kirsty Strain, Hope Florence, Amy E Watson
“I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I mean, Sophie and I, we could see the windows were boarded up from the outside… and we still went in with him. So stupid. Everything was wrong, and we still went inside with him.” (Anna, The House Of Him)
At the time of writing this review, my day job is being heavily scrutinised by a bunch of scrotes who claim to be trying to expose a lack of ‘ethics’ in video game journalism.
In reality it’s a front for something much more sinister, much darker and misogynist in nature. While this is actually fairly apt when talking about The House Of Him, it’s not why I bring it up.
Instead, it’s just a wanky way for me to bring up this full disclosure: I know Robert Florence, the lovely Glaswegian chap who wrote, directed and edited this film. I consider him a friend and I’d like to think the feeling is mutual.
Despite this friendship, and the fact I love most of the stuff he does, that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of criticising him. He wanted Scottish independence, I didn’t. He loves Dynasty Warriors games, I think they’re pish.
So I approached The House Of Him with a mixture of excitement and fear. Excitement because I love the vast majority of stuff Rab does – his sketch shows, his games writing, his vintage video game webshow Consolevania, which was fucking nailing it many years before the era of annoying YouTubers began.
The Changing Rooms reboot was deemed a little too dark for daytime ITV audiences
But also fear, because should it turn out to be shite, I would be placed in the awkward position of reviewing a mate’s work and slapping a pishy wee single-star rating on it then hoping he didn’t notice.
After all, comedy writing and video games writing are one thing, but I would imagine making a horror film requires a completely different skillset.
Starring: Pedro García Oliva, Óscar Gisbert, Nereida López
Also known as: Carnívoros
OSCAR – “Before we have sex, I need to know your name.”
YOLANDA – “They call me… Spain’s bitch.”
OSCAR – “Oh! Yeah! That’s right. Ole to your father. Not Maria, or Theresa, but Spain’s bitch. Direct and patriotic, I like it.”
In my view, it’s all well and good making a gore movie as long as there’s a half-decent plot to back it up. The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre sticks two fingers up to this notion, before presumably chopping them off.
When the story’s so basic that the entire film can be summed up with a single sentence that speaks volumes, so here goes:
A band called The Metal Dicks have problems with their van while on the road, so they head to the nearest village, which is populated by cannibals who set about eating them.
Starring: Dee Wallace Stone, M Emmet Walsh, Billy Green Bush, Scott Grimes, Billy Zane
CRITTER 1 – “They have weapons.” CRITTER 2 – “So what?” <Critter 2 is blown up> CRITTER 2 – “Fuck!”
As I’ve explored in numerous reviews in the past, such as Bride Of Chucky and Puppet Master III, there comes a point in some horror films where it becomes clear that the killer isn’t very intimidating.
There are ways to deal with this. The Puppet Master solution was to turn its killers – the titular puppets – into the heroes and make the audience root for them.
The Bride Of Chucky solution, meanwhile, was to acknowledge that the concept of a killer doll was a daft one and therefore the best thing to do was not only make Chucky the hero but also play the film entirely for laughs.
Critters instead takes the Gremlins approach (the first one, not its sequel), which also aims for comedy but at the same time steadfastly refuses to accept that its killer creatures are anything other than nasty little bastards. And it works. Continue reading “Critters (1986) review”→
Full Moon, the studio behind the Puppet Master series, realised it sooner than this. By the end of Puppet Master II, in which the killer puppets are double-crossed by their evil owner, the audience is expected to start feeling sympathy for them.
Puppet Master III, then, takes things one step further and makes the puppets outright good guys. A horror film in which the killer dolls are the heroes? Who could the villains possibly be, other than Nazis or something? Continue reading “Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge (1991) review”→
Starring: Robin Williams, Connie Nielsen, Michael Vartan, Dylan Smith
“Family photos depict smiling faces: births, weddings, holidays, children’s birthday parties. People take pictures of the happy moments in their lives. Someone looking through our photo album would conclude that we had led a joyous, leisurely existence free of tragedy. No one ever takes a photograph of something they want to forget.” (Sy, One Hour Photo)
The tragic death of Robin Williams has led to the inevitable business of fans sharing their favourite movies on their social networks of choice.
Given that he was obviously best known for his comedy work, it’s therefore no surprise that the vast majority of the films and TV shows nominated as his best are humorous in nature.
Mrs Doubtfire, Mork & Mindy, Aladdin, his live stand-up shows… there can be no denying that Williams made us laugh countless times throughout the years. Continue reading “One Hour Photo (2002) review”→
Then, in January this year, I dropped the price. A few more people bought it – these people are considered friends.
The rest of you, those who have yet to buy it, I consider work in progress. One day you will hang on my every word and treat every new review like another little droplet from heaven. But you need more convincing.
Of course, I’m only joking! *glares* Either way, I’m not going to be updating the site for a couple of weeks, so I recommend you spend that time catching up on some of the other 223 reviews already on That Was A Bit Mental.
Since the best way to do this is read the aforementioned eBook, which contains special ‘Writer’s Cut’ versions of the first 100 reviews on the site – complete with re-written jokes, extra bits and bonus trivia for every film – I’ve decided to do you a little favour.
Starring: Malcolm Stoddard, Cyd Hayman, Angela Pleasence, Wilhelmina Green
“Do you know what a cuckoo does? It lays its egg in another bird’s nest. And do you know what the fledgling does? It pushes the others out, one after the other, until it has the complete attention of the parents. That’s Bonnie. Bonnie must go.” (Alan, The Godsend)
You can tell a film is iconic when it spawns its own brood of knock-offs. Take Night Of The Living Dead and the way every zombie film that followed had shambling, moaning monsters just like Romero’s, for example.
The Godsend is one of these offshoots, going so far as to go right down the ‘British couple inherits child that isn’t theirs’ route. And you know, it isn’t absolutely terrible, even though it’s about as original as a Harlem Shake video. Continue reading “The Godsend (1980) review”→
Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Jenny Beck, June Lockhart, Phil Fondacaro, Julia Louis-Dreyfus
“Harry, your sister isn’t an alien. She’s something much worse.” (Eunice, Troll)
You may already be aware of Troll 2, the movie some claim is the worst film ever made. I’ve already reviewed it, because that’s how cutting edge and cool and shit I am.
But what about the first Troll? What was so interesting about that film that someone decided it needed a sequel? Is it just as bad as its successor? How do they link up?
Actually, Troll has nothing to do with Troll 2. The latter was originally named Goblin until it was decided that changing the name to pretend it was a sequel to Troll would gain it extra credibility. No punchline necessary. Continue reading “Troll (1986) review”→
Starring: Jon Briddell, Erin Coker, Hayden Byerly, Aurelia Scheppers
“Numbers are not merely symbols, Mr Vales. They hold great power. And they have that power because we give it to them. When these numbers align his fate is sealed. Your son must die before his birthday, and if you don’t kill him, I will.” (Annie, 11/11/11)
By this point I’ve become accustomed to groaning “oh for fuck’s sake” every time a movie opens with the words “The Asylum presents”.
In a way, it’s understandable. It’s just muscle memory every time I see the name of a studio known for producing shameless low budget knock-offs of popular movies.
The plan is simple: by giving their films a similar name the Asylum aims to trick unwitting parents who think they’re renting little Jimmy a slice of triple-A Hollywood blockbustery… or, at the very least, some sort of official spin-off. Continue reading “11/11/11 (2011) review”→
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