Category: Reviews

Troll 2 (1990)

Published on by Chris Scullion8 Comments

Director: Claudio Fragasso

Starring: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Robert Ormsby

“Do you see this writing? Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!” (Michael, Troll 2)

A lot of films are considered awful, but Troll 2 is so bad that calling it awful feels like going easy on it. Not content with simply being a bad film, Troll 2 was actually at one point the #1 worst-rated film on the entire Internet Movie Database site.

That’s one hell of an achievement, and one that most people who’ve seen the film wouldn’t argue with, but that dubious honour only tells half the story. It doesn’t explain, for example, that despite (or indeed because of) its flaws it’s one of the most entertaining films you’ll see.

This Jimmy Saville goblin is easily my favourite of the bunch

The plot is up there with Citizen Kane. Young Joshua and his family head to the tiny country town of Nilbog to do a house swap with a family there. All is not as it seems though, as Joshua’s dead grandfather appears in a vision to tell him that the town is actually inhabited by goblins pretending to be humans. What’s more, these goblins want to turn Joshua and his family (as well as a group of teenage lads who’ve also driven to Nilbog) into plants so they can eat them. Because they’re vegetarian goblins, you see.

The slowest rescue scene ever committed to film

The truly impressive thing about Troll 2 is the consistency with which it delivers comically bad moments. From the opening scene in which Joshua’s grandpa tells him the story of the goblins, to the moment where Joshua literally pisses  on a dinner table to stop his parents from eating tainted goblin food (leading to the classic line at the top of this review), to the sister’s amazingly bad dance routine, to the hilarious goblin costumes, to the blatantly obvious ‘revelation’ when Joshua looks in a car mirror and realises why the town’s called Nilbog, every single scene features at least one thing that’s laughably awful.

To give Troll 2 a little credit (and only a little, mind) there are some moments that are clearly supposed to be ridiculous. The part where a young lad in a camper van is seduced by a woman wielding an ear of sweetcorn, in which their passionate encounter ends up getting so steamy that the entire van somehow fills up with popcorn, couldn’t possibly have meant to be serious.

Not a good actor among this bunch, yet they're all lovable in their own way

Indeed, the more you watch Troll 2 and the more hilariously bad moments you encounter, the more suspicious you get and you start to fear you’ve been the victim of an elaborate practical joke, that the movie that was designed to be deliberately bad and you’ve fallen for it. Thankfully, as proven by the recent (fantastic) documentary Best Worst Movie, it’s clear this wasn’t the case and the cast and crew were actually trying their hardest.

Troll 2 is the perfect film to watch with a group of friends. While most cheesy films suffer from bad acting or a daft plot, Troll 2 is rare in that every single element – the direction, music, acting, special effects, script, plot and editing – is fantastically terrible. It’s the movie equivalent of all the planets lining up as they revolve around the sun – it’s so rare that every single element that could be shit is present and accounted for. As a result, it’s a joy to watch from start to finish.

(technical ability)

(pure joy)

Killjoy (2000)

Published on by Chris Scullion7 Comments

Director: Craig Ross Jr

Starring: Angel Vargas, Vera Yell, Lee Marks

“That’s how you bust caps, mother FUCKER!” (Killjoy, Killjoy)

Killjoy is a film about a bullied boy who summons the spirit of an evil voodoo ghetto clown from the ‘hood. If you managed to read that without flinching then you must have truly seen everything the world has to offer.

The story goes that young Michael fancies the girlfriend of Lorenzo, the baddest motherfucker in the whole… um, street. Lorenzo threatens Michael with a gun and tells him that if he ever goes near his lady again he’ll put more holes in him than this movie’s plot.

Easily in the top five things you don't want to look up and see during sex

Eager to get his own back on Lorenzo and the girl (even though she didn’t really do anything), Michael decides to summon Killoy, an evil spirit that messes people up in a way that’s never really explained too well. After sitting a hilariously cheap-looking doll in a room full of candles and asking Killjoy to come, Michael’s prayers are answered and Killjoy starts fucking people up.

Doug enjoyed Turkish Delight a bit too much

This is where the movie starts to make even less sense than it already did. It’s hard to tell whether everyone’s in some sort of dream world, or the real world, or a different dimension or something, and the film can’t really make its own mind up either. One minute the characters are entering an ice cream truck and teleporting into a different room, the next their corpses are turning up in real life. Confusion runs rife.

"My hair? Oh, I was giving my radio a bath"

Also bizarre is Killjoy himself. He’s essentially some sort of ‘gangsta’  clown and as such has some ridiculous lines that make him about as terrifying as a Kriss Kross music video. Watch as he slaps a man to the ground then says “biiiiiii-iiitch”, or attacks a female character before saying “that’s some good pussy”. There’s nothing terrifying about him at all, he’s just a proper pain in the arse.

I can’t really recommend Killjoy, not even as a “so bad it’s good” film, unless you see genuine humour in the idea of a killer clown talking like Chris Rock. It’s so low budget that it goes beyond “how charming” and wanders into “they’re not even fucking trying to make it look good” territory, and as such is more annoying than amusing to watch. Check out the trailer below and you’ll more or less get the full joke.

Night Of The Bloody Apes (1969) (Video Nasty review #4)

Published on by Chris Scullion4 Comments

Director: René Cardona

Starring: José Elisa Moreno, Carlos Lopez Moctezuma, Norma Lazareno

“I’ll say that’s absurd, the proofs are circumstantial, it’s more probable that of late more and more you’ve been watching on your television many of those pictures of terror.” (Dr Martinez, Night Of The Bloody Apes)

Night Of The Bloody Apes is easily in my top ten Mexican-luchador-wrestling-ape-based monster movies, and I can assure you that’s a highly competitive list. Given its title though, it’s actually a little disappointing since there’s only one ape in the film and it’s not really a proper one. Let me explain.

The movie has two main plotlines. Lucy, a masked wrestler, is having problems living with herself after she puts another wrestler in hospital by throwing her out of the ring during a match. Meanwhile, in the same hospital, the mad scientist Dr Krellman is upset that his son is dying of lukemia and so decides that the only way to save his life is by giving him a heart transplant.

"I hope everyone likes my new church outfit"

Maybe hearts aren’t too easy to come by in Mexico – I’m no Top Gear presenter so I’m not really touching that one – but for some reason Dr Krellman decides that, rather than waiting for a human heart to become available, he’ll kill a gorilla and take its heart instead. Because that’ll definitely work and won’t fuck things up.

After the transplant, it quickly becomes clear that it definitely hasn’t worked and things are very much fucked up when Krellman’s son becomes a sort of half-man half-gorilla. His face turns into that of a strange monkey man and he has the sort of rage that can only be matched by watching someone watching two hours’ worth of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

"I only came here for bunion surgery"

Monkey chap then escapes the hospital and goes on the warpath, raping and mutilating various ladyfolk living nearby. It’s up to Dr Krellman to find out how to stop him… possibly by replacing his monkey heart with another human one. If only there was some sort of hospitalised female wrestler close to death with a heart that could be sneakily removed and used instead…

Wayne Rooney relaxes at home

Night Of The Bloody Apes is just silly from start to finish and while it’s understandable why it was considered a video nasty at the time it’s still very tame compared to some of the others. The ‘rape’ scenes are thankfully clothed and very brief and the blood is a bit unrealistic. In fact, perhaps the most controversial moments in the film are the two heart transplant scenes, which actually use stock footage of real-life human heart transplants for added realism. If you’re a bit squeamish when watching operation footage then, this isn’t for you.

By far the best thing about the film is the terrible dialogue. Since it was originally filmed in Mexico it’s all dubbed, but the translation to English is so literal that many of the lines make no real sense (like the example at the top of this review). This results in some quotable classics, like the scene where Dr Krellman tries to convince his accomplice to take the injured wrestler’s heart: “A little slither of bone lies in her cerebrum. And if by some miracle she lives she’ll be an idiot for the rest of her life.”

If a big group of you want to have a laugh while watching something pleasantly crap, Night Of The Bloody Apes is a good shout. Watch it on your own though and the novelty will wear off about half an hour in. Naturally, the trailer makes it look a lot more exciting than it really is:

Axe (1977) (Video Nasty review #3)

Published on by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Frederick R Friedel

Starring: Leslie Lee, Jack Canon, Ray Green, Frederick R Friedel

(a tortured man jumps out a window to his death)
LOMAX: “Why’d he do that? That was twelve floors.”
STEELE: “Nah, it was only nine.”

There’s nothing like the power of advertising. Axe was originally called Lisa, Lisa and was meant to be an artsy fartsy look at the way people under attack can do disturbing things to protect themselves and their family. It didn’t do too well so it was rebranded Axe and started doing the drive-in circuit in America under the guise of a horror film. In some parts it was even renamed again, this time to California Axe Massacre, despite the fact there’s no massacre in it and it’s set nowhere near California.

Derek wasn't a fan of Radox's new strawberry-scented bath gel

The story is similar to many of the ‘revenge’ movies at the time. A gang of three ne’er-do-wells is on the run from the police so after killing a chap by beating him to death with a doll (seriously) and cutting his nose off, then traumatising a supermarket woman by shooting a bottle of ketchup above her head, they seek solace in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

The problem is, the farmhouse is the home of teenage Lisa and her fully paralysed granddad. Well, I say fully paralysed, but he’s got a different facial expression in every scene and can sometimes be seen moving his eyes or shaking, meaning instead he just looks like a man sitting there not doing anything.

Anyway, the three decide to take over the house and torment Lisa and her granddad. She’s not having it though, and after one of them tries a bit of illicit fiddling she kills him and cuts him into pieces with an axe. I’d have gone for the pepper spray myself, but I’ve never been in that situation so what do I know.

Cheer up missus, you'll get to star in a good film one day. Actually, you won't

The rest of the movie entails Lisa trying to make sure the other two gang members aren’t suspicious while also protecting her granddad from any harm. Yet despite being a brisk 68 minutes long, Axe somehow still has the ability to feel sluggish and boring at times. The acting is beyond woeful – I really hope the ‘actress’ playing Lisa was trying to make her sound a bit mental and that wasn’t her actual acting style – and that goes for everyone including the director, Frederick F Friedel, who stars as Billy, the member of the gang who has a conscience and starts to feel sorry for Lisa. Meanwhile, this poor acting is underlined with is a bizarre soundtrack consisting mainly of bongo drums and saxophones.

It’s clear that had Axe kept its original title of Lisa, Lisa it probably would have escaped the DPP’s Video Nasties list and would never been banned in the UK. Everything that could be controversial is actually pretty tame: there are only three killings and they mostly take place off-screen, the attempted sexual assault scene is a fully clothed affair and doesn’t rely on exploitative nudity to titillate audiences, and as a result it’s dwarved by most of today’s horror films (and many of those released at the same time as it) when it comes to notorious material.

Axe isn’t a completely terrible film: the first fifteen minutes are interesting and the supermarket scene is genuinely emotional. It’s certainly not enough to recommend a film on one scene though, and as a result I’d only recommend watching it if, like me, you’re trying to see as many Video Nasties as possible. In fact, the trailer’s much more fun to watch than the film, so be sure to watch it below.

HOW NASTY IS IT? – Not really nasty at all. There’s one scene involving a flick knife, and all the rest of the kills happen off-screen. There’s a fair amount of (unrealistic) blood but it’s rarely seen coming out of anyone, it’s generally just seen as stains on the floor or on the killers’ clothing. It’s no worse than the likes of Halloween and really should never have been banned in the first place, which is why these days it’s once again readily available to buy uncut.

Attack Of The Super Monsters (1982)

Published on by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Tom Weiner

Starring (voices): Tom Weiner, Cam Clark, Robin Beth Levenson, Joe Perry

“This is a real emergency: the super monsters have sent a triceratops to the outer suburbs of the city.” (Dr Carmody, Attack Of The Super Monsters)

This film is fucking nuts, so let me try to take you through the plot. It turns out that the dinosaurs didn’t actually die out millions of years ago: instead they’ve been living underground. In that time they’ve managed to learn how to speak English by reading humans’ minds and have appointed a leader, the evil Emperor Tyrannus (a T-Rex).

Tyrannus summons Eddy the allosaurus and tells him to go up to Earth to start up some shit. Eddy shoots some beams out of his eyes at some dogs, causing them to turn into evil red dogs and maul their owners. Oh, by the way, the dinosaurs are guys in suits (Godzilla-style) but the dogs and humans are anime cartoons. Think Roger Rabbit.

The Gemini Squad – a right bunch of knobs

Things get even weirder when we’re introduced to the Gemini Squad. They consist of Jim and Gem (who are brother and sister), Gerry (a fat guy) and Wally (a science officer with a weird face). Oh, and a doctor guy called Carmody who somehow knows everything that’s going on and has an explanation for it all.

Anyway, it’s clear while watching Attack Of The Super Monsters that it’s actually four episodes of some Japanese TV show haphazardly edited together to make a movie. Four different dinosaurs are summoned throughout the film and they’re all defeated in the same way: Jim and Gem merge their energy to form Gemini, a non-binary mash-up of the two who can somehow pilot a spaceship a bit better or something, then proceed to kill the dinosaur (which then blows up for no reason).

“Oh, hello there”

It’s a bizarre mix of live-action “man in suit” shenanigans, anime-style cartoons and crap model vehicle shots reminiscent of an even lower-budget version of Thunderbirds. Yet despite how rubbish it all looks it’s got a charm that makes it fun to watch throughout. The script is so awful it’s hilarious, the dinosaurs have amazingly hammy voices and it’s all just a good bit of fun.

In all, it’s worth a watch, if only so you can say you’ve seen a pterodactyl command some bats into turning some men into skeletons before said pterodactyl slams into a skyscraper over and over again. And who doesn’t wish they could say that?

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Silent Hill (2006)

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Christophe Gans

Starring: Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Laurie Holden

“Mother is God in the eyes of a child.” (Cybil Bennett, Silent Hill)

Most movies based on video games are, to put it bluntly, a pile of shite. Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Dead Or Alive… all horrible. It’s probably for this reason that I’ve somehow managed to go five years without checking out the Silent Hill film, but having finally watched it yesterday I was reasonably happy.

Silent Hill‘s plot is loosely based on that of the first game in the series. The game started with a chap called Harry Mason going on holiday with his daughter. When a girl steps in front of the car, he swerves to avoid her and crashes. When he comes to, he realises his daughter is missing, leading him to explore the nearby town of Silent Hill to see if he can find her. Cue lots of fucked-up monsters.

Standards at the NHS were clearly slipping

The movie, meanwhile, replaces Harry with a female character, Rose. Her adopted daughter has been sleepwalking and talking about a place called Silent Hill, so Rose takes her to Silent Hill to see if it triggers any memories about her past. Then, as in the game, they crash on the outskirts of the town and the daughter goes missing. It’s a small difference but an important one, as it makes it harder to sympathise with Rose when you know she deliberately chose to go to Silent Hill rather than ending up there by accident.

"Don't ever take me to that fucking hairdresser again, mum"

Silent Hill is a beautiful movie. Obviously when I say that I’m not referring to the horrible, mutated monsters that sometimes look like wriggling human-sized acid-apitting condoms, I mean the way it’s shot. The town of Silent Hill almost feels like a character itself, such is the detail with which everything’s been designed. The moody, empty streets look like they haven’t been updated since the 1950s and the constant fall of ash from the skies gives everything a surreal, otherworldly feeling.

Combine this with Akira Yamaoka’s stunning music (the vast majority of the movie’s score consists of music from the games) and you’ve got a movie that’s a treat for the eyes and ears when there aren’t freaky monster things shuffling about.

For a film based on such a grim series of games there are only a couple of visually shocking moments in the film, the most notable being someone having their skin ripped off and flung against the wall of a church. A normal occurrence on a Thursday night in Liverpool, sure, but something rarely seen in the world of cinema.

"That must have been one hell of a Nando's"

Silent Hill is enjoyable until the final 30 minutes, when everything starts to go a bit mental (well, moreso than usual). The plot starts getting needlessly complex and confusing, and it all gets a bit silly. This of course is nothing new for those familiar with the Silent Hill games, but at least there the plot took a back seat to the whole ‘shooting things and trying not to die’ challenge the player faced. Since most movies are very much plot-focused, there’s nothing for the convoluted story to hide behind.

As a video game movie, Silent Hill is one of the better ones out there. It perfectly captures the tone of the games, right down to the silly plot. As a movie judged on its own merits though, it’s a gorgeous film that unfortunately runs out of steam when its story becomes as messy as the habits of its monsters.

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Published on by Chris Scullion13 Comments

Director: Stan Winston

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Jeff East, Matthew Hurley

MAGGIE: “Don’t worry, God will help us.” (loads shotgun)
TRACY: “Then what’s that for?”
MAGGIE: “In case God doesn’t show up.”

Ed Harley (Lance Henriksen) is a bit of a hillbilly. He lives in a house with his young son, who makes him a necklace thing for seemingly no reason. The next day a few bikers come to the village and run his son over, killing him. Lance is clearly pissed off (and rightfully so), so he seeks out a crazy old woman who teaches him how to make a demon based on his rage that will seek vengeance. And so Pumpkinhead is born. Cue mindless killing of the bikers.

I had always wanted to see Pumpkinhead ever since they made an action figure of him in my favourite action figure series, Movie Maniacs. After all, it had to be memorable if someone took the time to make an action figure of it. As it turns out, Pumpkinhead is at best an average film which lacks a set of balls.

Pumpkinhead is a huge monster (even the action figure dwarves the other ones in the series), but all it seems to do to the people it kills is put its hand over their head and pick them up a bit. That’s extremely fucking weak. The plot’s also a bit simple. Boy dies, man goes mad, enlists the help of a demon which then kills people. Meh.

The fact that it’s from the ’80s is no excuse. Pet Sematary still scares me to this day. But this was just poor. There are two ‘jump’ scares in the film. One just isn’t scary (Henriksen’s dead son sits up in the car next to him) and the other’s poorly timed (a dog wanders slowly into the frame to a dramatic musical sting). And as impressive as Pumpkinhead looks, it doesn’t seem that it could do any harm at any point, especially given that its main party trick is the old “picking people up by the head” routine. Give me a pointy stick and I could probably take the bastard.

Yes, there are a couple of deaths, but they all happen off-screen so we don’t really know what happens. The only one that’s sort of shown is when Pumpkinhead uses the tried and tested “pick up by the head”, climbs a tree then drops the person he’s carrying. Naturally however, we don’t see the impact. To be fair, there’s one clever moment where an unfortunate chap is impaled on a rifle, but that’s about it.

Incidentally, the story for Pumpkinhead was based on a poem by Ed Justin. Here’s how it goes:

Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you tire of living
His enemies are mostly dead,
He’s mean and unforgiving
Bolted doors and windows barred,
Guard dogs prowling in the yard,
Won’t protect you in your bed,
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead

Oddly, it doesn’t mention anything about Lance Henriksen’s son getting his head caved in.

Sorry to say, Pumpkinhead isn’t too great. If you’re a special effects junkie it’s certainly worth a watch to see the great Pumpkinhead puppetry (with Stan Winston directing it’s no surprise the monster looks great), but I wouldn’t make it top of the priority list if I were you.

Planet Of The Apes (1968)

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

Director: Franklin J Schaffner

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Linda Harrison, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans

“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!” (Taylor, Planet Of The Apes)

The last time I saw a film with an ape riding a horse the police came to my house, confiscated it and fined me £1000. I wasn’t willing to take the same chance again so I did plenty of research beforehand to ensure Planet Of The Apes was above board.

Planet of the Apes is one of those movies that most people know a lot about but many haven’t seen. Many know the twist ending, partly due to the numerous spoofs of it that have emerged over the past years with the likes of The Simpsons and Kevin Smith taking their own crack at it. Yet not many people who haven’t watched it are aware that there’s actually a lot more to this film than Charlton Heston being kidnapped by apes, escaping and then realising where he is. It’s rife with social commentary and other such shenanigans.

"NO OFFICER, I'M NOT HIDING TWO MONKEYS IN MY HOUSE. Right, get in the fucking cupboard you pair of monkey pricks"

An astronaut crew crash-lands on a mysterious planet 2000 years in the future. Commander George Taylor (Heston) is captured by a group of intelligent apes, who believe that they are the dominant species and man is the beast. Two chimp scientists are startled however to realise that Taylor can speak (unlike the other humans on the planet) and so they attempt to help him gain his freedom.

The first fifteen minutes are fairly boring, reminiscent of the sci-fi b-movies of the 50’s where a crew of two or three men crash-land on a planet then look at all the strange things on said planet. Thankfully Taylor’s crewmembers are disposed of quickly (leaving us in no doubt as to who the star is here) and the film begins to swing in a wildly different direction when he’s kidnapped by apes on horses.

"He called us what? Pricks? I'll give him a piece of my monkey mind"

Taylor is thrown into a cage alongside some fellow humans, and soon realises that such is the bitter irony of this new world, the humans can’t speak and the apes can, meaning their roles are reversed somewhat. The apes see the humans are mere pets, mindless animals incapable of communication. Conveniently, Taylor’s voicebox was damaged while he was being kidnapped so he can’t speak when he’s initially captured.

I would say that to give more away would be spoiling it but let’s face it, we all have a rough idea where this is going. We know he’s eventually going to speak and that all hell’s going to break loose. We know he’s going to be seen as some freak of nature and he’s going to end up splitting the apes into those that believe he’s from another planet and those that don’t. And if you don’t, well, you do now.

One frustrating annoyance is the character of Nova, played by Linda Harrison. As a love interest she’s pretty weak, mainly due to the fact that she’s mute and doesn’t really seem to understand what Taylor is saying. Indeed, it almost feels wrong to me whenever he tries to instil some sort of romance in her, because she doesn’t really know what he’s doing. It’s pretty close to animal porn in my opinion (and, as noted above, I would know).

Doctor Zaius, Doctor Zaius, ooh ooh ooh Doctor Zaius (Doctor Zaius Doctor Zaius)

One cliché we do expect with mute characters in films, however, is that in a dramatic scene near the end (usually when the hero’s getting the shit kicked out of him) they’ll suddenly talk, or at least make some kind of “ugh” sound. This isn’t the case here. You keep waiting for it, but once the credits hit you think “well what was the point of her?”. Unsurprisingly, this was corrected in the sequel.

Heston gives a performance that’s as needlessly dramatic as you’d expect from a ’60s sci-fi film, regardless of its otherwise high budget. In the scenes where he can speak, every line’s chewed and spat out through gritted teeth in order to make him seem like a gritty hero who takes no shit. Her annoying lack of chat aside, Linda Harrison does do a good job and at times you believe she actually is mute. And despite the makeup, the ape actors are still extremely convincing, in particular Maurice Evans as Dr Zaius and Roddy McDowall as Cornelius.

If you still haven’t seen it Planet Of The Apes is highly recommended, as long as you don’t mind overdramatic sci-fi. The make-up effects on the apes have stood the test of time, and they look as impressive more than 40 years on as they did back when they were created. It’s therefore still somewhat believable (within reason), as opposed to merely a historic landmark in film history that our generation can look back at and giggle at how cheap it all looked. If you’re after a good science fiction film with moral undertones and spectacular cinematography for its time, then Planet Of The Apes is the one for you. Besides, it’s got monkeys on fucking horses.

Amityville 3D (1983)

Published on by Chris Scullion5 Comments

Director: Richard Fleischer

Starring: Tony Roberts, Tess Harper, Meg Ryan

LISA – “I hear you bought yourself a haunted house, John.”
JOHN – “I just bought the house, not the ghost.”

(Note – This review is based on the Sanctuary Region 2, 3D version of the film (pictured on the right), so any references to the 3D effects may not necessarily apply to the version you watch. The film is also available in a 2D version, which inevitably affects how entertaining the film is. That said, on with the review.)

Put quite simply, had Amityville 3D not been in 3D it would be quite the stinker. As it is however, it’s actually quite entertaining to watch and some of the scenes of sheer tedium (including the frankly overly-repetitive discussions on whether or not the house is evil) aren’t quite as boring due to the distraction of the 3D effect.

Don't really remember there being monsters in the first one

3D aside, this third instalment in the Amityville series is a pretty run-of-the-mill, scare-free ghost story which makes little or no sense and never really makes you care for the actors. Indeed, most of the film will be taken up by you either saying how good or bad the last 3D bit was or, if you’re watching the 2D version, guessing which bits would have been in 3D (answer: all of them).

The plot isn’t too different from that of the original film. A couple of fake psychics are kicked out of the old Amityville house by John Baxter (a paranormal scam investigator) for trying to trick people into thinking they can contact their dead relatives. This leaves the house empty for Baxter to buy it and move in. Naturally, strange goings-on then begin to happen to everyone around Baxter (including his ex-wife and daughter), but he’s not having any of it and he’s determined to move in. Cue numerous people entering the house on their own and meeting grisly deaths.

Got a pair of 3D glasses? Give the image a click and try it out

There are, quite simply, no scares to be had whatsoever in Amityville 3D. Some of you watching in 3D may jump ever so slightly the first time a fly comes towards you, but after that it’s pretty ineffective.

There aren’t too many deaths here either, yet what’s there is reasonably inventive. “Death By Flies” is quite good if a little confusing (how can flies kill you?) and “Death By Accidentally Setting Your Car On Fire” is pleasing to watch, but the real star is easily “Death By Getting Pulled Into A Hole In The Floor Of The Basement By A Random Monster”.

Look! It's a young Meg Ryan in one of her first acting gigs

The 3D technique used here is the classic “red and blue glasses” effort. Of course, this means it’s not true 3D and instead the actors still look 2D, albeit on different 3D planes. It looks a bit like there are cardboard cut-outs walking about in a pop-up book. It’s still pretty cool looking, though the closer things get to you the poorer the effect becomes. Its ironic that the most effective examples of the 3D effect are scenes where very little is happening other than dialogue.

If you can get a hold of the 3D version of Amityville 3D, it’s highly recommended if only for the cheesy fun you get watching it with the full 3D effect. However, if all you can get is the 2D version, do not under any circumstances expect anything approaching a decent film. The characters are flat and dull, the scares are almost non-existent and the effects are poor at best. In 3D though, it’s enough of a distraction to prove enjoyable.

A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

Published on by Chris Scullion24 Comments

Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp, John Saxon

“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…” (freaky as fuck children, A Nightmare On Elm Street)

It’s unfair for me to give a fair and objective review of this film because it was such a big part of my childhood. The majority of my years as a wee boy were spent shitting myself at the very sight of Freddy Krueger (unlike my fearless younger brother who idolised him). The Nightmare films affected me so much that they remain the basis for my love of horror to this day. Quite simply: no Nightmare On Elm Street, no That Was A Bit Mental. So it’s to blame if you think this site is pish. Therefore, anyone expecting this film to get any less than a full 5 out of 5 can stop dreaming (as it were) and just accept it. I fucking love this film, and I always will until the day I die. Now let’s dissect it.

Johnny Depp in his first ever role. Awwww

Nancy and a couple of her other high school friends have started sharing the same bad dream about an impolite chap named Fred Krueger. Mr Krueger has a glove with long razors for fingernails, which must be an inconvenience when he has to use toilet paper. Naturally, he’s not a happy man (not necessarily because of the toilet paper though) and terrorises Nancy and her friends every time they dream about him. Once Nancy’s friends start dying in their sleep, however, it soon becomes clear that whatever Freddy does to you in your dream affects you in real life, and if he kills you in your dream you’re fucked in real life too. It’s up to Nancy and her boyfriend Glen to figure out how to stop Freddy before all the Elm Street children die in their sleep.

Freddy's makeup was a little nastier than it was in later films

Everyone talks about how the original Friday the 13th isn’t scary anymore because (with the exception of Kevin Bacon’s death and the ending) you’re pretty much warned about all the deaths in advance (the shadow of the axe against the curtain before it’s slapped into someone’s head, for example). A Nightmare On Elm Street, on the other hand, still provides the odd chill to those who have yet to watch it; be it Freddy bursting out of a mirror, Tina’s death or Glen’s unfortunate bedroom experience. It’s safe to say that 27 years after its release, despite showing its age a little in terms of special effects, A Nightmare On Elm Street can still hold its own fright-wise against much of the emotionless bullshit that’s being released in cinemas these days.

This scene actually merges slow motion into normal speed without the viewer noticing

Part of this is also down to the film’s concept in general. It’s often hard to care much about slasher films because not many of us have been chased down a street by someone wielding a knife (unless you’ve spend a Friday night in Glasgow of course). Everybody has nightmares though, and everybody knows how powerless they feel when they’re having them, so building a film around that idea was a genius move by Wes Craven.

Of course, this film would be nothing without Freddy Krueger, one of the greatest horror characters in history. The idea of a dodgy chap burnt alive by the parents of the children he killed who now seeks revenge is great, and the innuendo and suggestions that he may have been more than simply a child murderer adds an underlying sense of nastiness without ever actually confirming anything.

Gore fans will be reasonably happy with A Nightmare On Elm Street because there’s a good deal of the red stuff spattered throughout the film, most notably during the famous first kill where Freddy drags the helpless Tina onto the ceiling. Plus Freddy seems intent on causing himself harm in every scene he appears in, be it by slicing his fingers off or cutting his stomach open. Quite gory then. The deaths are also extremely inventive, given the film’s low budget. It’s a credit to the special effects crew that the aforementioned ceiling death is very surprising when it happens, because you don’t expect to see something as cool as that happening in a film that seems fairly cheaply made. Here’s the scene if you haven’t seen it before:

The acting is possibly the one area where the film could theoretically lose some points. As much as I love this film I have to admit that it’s undeniably ’80s and most of the actors (with the exception of Johnny Depp, Robert Englund and John Saxon) either play their roles in an over-the-top manner or simply are’t convincing enough. As a lead actress, Heather Langenkamp is simply not good enough in this film and her shonky delivery of her lines tends to take the viewer out of Craven’s world and throw them back into reality. This is more due to her inexperience as an actress when she starred in this, however: indeed, her later roles in the third and seventh Nightmare films were much more believable as she gained maturity as an actress.

A product recall for Marks & Spencer's new line of bath mitts was inevitable

Maybe I’m being biased, maybe I’m being nostalgic, but I am of the honest opinion that anyone who hasn’t seen A Nightmare On Elm Street before they died better have a good reason like being Amish or something. Not many horror films can be considered classics but in my opinion among the true classics you have your Dawn Of The Dead, you have your Halloween, you have your Friday The 13th and you have your Nightmare On Elm Street. Yes, the acting is poor and the fashion is sometimes scarier than Freddy himself (witness the camp might of Johnny Depp’s crop-top and bouffant hairdo), but these are merely documents of the film’s history.

Does anyone question Nosferatu‘s lack of sound? No, because all films at that time were silent. Therefore, should anyone question A Nightmare On Elm Street‘s dodgy acting and dodgier clothes? No, because all ’80s slasher films had Oxfam wardrobes and stars who couldn’t act their way out of a nutsack. It comes with the territory. What doesn’t however, and makes A Nightmare On Elm Street better than its countless competitors is that it’s a clever, well-directed horror with great special effects for its budget and inventive deaths that involve more than just someone else getting their throat slit every five minutes. If you haven’t seen it, take it from me and remedy that situation. Here’s the trailer to help drive the point home: