Attack Of The Super Monsters (1982)

Director: Tom Weiner

Starring (voices): Tom Weiner, Cam Clark, Robin Beth Levenson, Joe Perry

“This is a real emergency: the super monsters have sent a triceratops to the outer suburbs of the city.” (Dr Carmody, Attack Of The Super Monsters)

This film is fucking nuts, so let me try to take you through the plot. It turns out that the dinosaurs didn’t actually die out millions of years ago: instead they’ve been living underground. In that time they’ve managed to learn how to speak English by reading humans’ minds and have appointed a leader, the evil Emperor Tyrannus (a T-Rex).

Tyrannus summons Eddy the allosaurus and tells him to go up to Earth to start up some shit. Eddy shoots some beams out of his eyes at some dogs, causing them to turn into evil red dogs and maul their owners. Oh, by the way, the dinosaurs are guys in suits (Godzilla-style) but the dogs and humans are anime cartoons. Think Roger Rabbit.

The Gemini Squad - a right bunch of knobs

Things get even weirder when we’re introduced to the Gemini Squad. They consist of Jim and Gem (who are brother and sister), Gerry (a fat guy) and Wally (a science officer with a weird face). Oh, and a doctor guy called Carmody who somehow knows everything that’s going on and has an explanation for it all.

Anyway, it’s clear while watching Attack Of The Super Monsters that it’s actually four episodes of some Japanese TV show haphazardly edited together to make a movie. Four different dinosaurs are summoned throughout the film and they’re all defeated in the same way: Jim and Gem merge their energy to form Gemini, a weird genderless hermaphodite thing who can somehow pilot a spaceship a bit better or something, then proceed to kill the dinosaur (which then blows up for no reason).

"Oh, hello there"

It’s a bizarre mix of live-action “man in suit” shenanigans, anime-style cartoons and crap model vehicle shots reminiscent of an even lower-budget version of Thunderbirds. Yet despite how rubbish it all looks it’s got a charm that makes it fun to watch throughout. The script is so awful it’s hilarious, the dinosaurs have amazingly hammy voices and it’s all just a good bit of fun.

In all, it’s worth a watch, if only so you can say you’ve seen a pterodactyl command some bats into turning some men into skeletons before said pterodactyl slams into a skyscraper over and over again. And who doesn’t wish they could say that?

And for your amusement, here’s a clip showing how the film teaches you the best way to defeat a Triceratops while you’re in a shitty LEGO truck.

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