Category: Reviews

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)

Published on by Chris Scullion3 Comments

Director: Rupert Wyatt

Starring: James Franco, Andy Serkis, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton

“Ape alone… weak. Apes together… strong.” (Caesar (in sign language), Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes)

It’s always dangerous messing around with the classics. When you take a film as well-loved as Planet Of The Apes and try to give it a modern twist, the results can piss off a lot of people – just ask Tim Burton. As a prequel rather than a remake Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes takes a different approach, albeit one that could still upset a lot of fans if it’s handled badly. Thankfully, they needn’t worry – it’s a fantastic movie that in no way sullies the name of its predecessor.

Ever get the feeling hundreds of angry super-intelligent apes are looking at you?

The film follows Will (Franco), a scientist working on a drug that he believes will cure Alzheimer’s disease by repairing the brain. After trying it on apes, Will finds that the drug does more than simply repair, it improves, making its recipient smarter than they were before they even had the disease.

When one of his test monkeys dies, leaving behind a baby, Will takes the baby home and discovers that its mother’s enhanced brain has passed down genetically to its son. Calling the ape Caesar, Will decides to keep him as a pet and monitor his progress over the years as he gets smarter, learning sign language and essentially acting like a young human boy.

"Don't worry, mate. You weren't that bad in Spider-Man"

To say any more would spoil a movie that you really need to discover for yourself, but that so much of the film is spent following Caesar’s development over the years is a telling sign that Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is more emotional and intelligent than your typical summer blockbuster. You care for this ape, you’re upset for him when things are looking bad and, while we all know the ‘rise’ of the apes will ultimately result in the end of the human race as the dominant species, such is the power of this film that you almost sympathise with our so-called enemy.

The rush hour gridlock brought the worst out of San Francisco's citizens

If ever there was a man who could reignite the debate over actors winning awards for motion capture roles, that man is Andy Serkis. Having previously played such memorable motion capture characters as King Kong and Gollum, Caesar is his most impressive performance yet. Within ten minutes of Will taking Caesar home you forget you’re watching a CGI ape and start to completely believe it – an achievement very few CGI characters manage to accomplish. The scene later on where he reacts to the realisation that Will is leaving him for a while is heartbreaking, and his interactions with other simians later in the film are utterly believable.

If looks could kill, eh? Caesar is one of the greatest CGI characters ever

It’s one scene in particular however that steals the show. I refuse to give it away (you’ll know it because it happens right after the obligatory “damn dirty ape” line), but it sent a chill up my spine I haven’t felt for years. There was such a sharp intake of breath among the audience I watched the film with that if there had been more people in attendance we might have been able to suck the screen off the wall.

I strongly recommend you see Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. You don’t have to have seen the original film to ‘get’ it, it works perfectly well as a standalone movie. Of everything else I’ve seen this year, this one blows it away in terms of sheer emotion alone. And now, as is a fitting way to conclude a review of an incredible film, I end with a poor joke – you’d be (monkey) nuts to miss it. Sorry about that.

Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)

Published on by Chris Scullion4 Comments

Director: Jason Eisener

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Molly Dunsworth, Brian Downey

“You and me are going on a car ride to hell… and you’re riding shotgun.” (Hobo, Hobo With A Shotgun)

Not since Santa Claus Conquers The Martians has a film’s title so clearly summed up its premise. Hobo With A Shotgun is, when all is said and done, the tale of a hobo armed with a shotgun. And it’s brilliant.

Rutger Hauer plays the aforementioned hobo, a nameless tramp with a shopping trolley who wanders from city to city by catching rides on cargo trains. His journey takes him to Hopetown, a rundown district where murderers, drug dealers and prostitutes are in charge and the police are as bent as a three pound note. After trying to save one hooker from abuse and getting a makeshift tattoo carved into his chest for his troubles, the hobo decides it’s time to clean up Hopetown and take out Drake, the dictatorial leader of the ne’er-do-wells. With a shotgun.

"This isn't Asda. I must have taken a wrong turn at the bread"

It’s a simple plot, and at a whisker over 80 minutes it’s a brief movie, but Hobo With A Shotgun manages to pack in a hell of a lot of action, not to mention controversial and gory moments. If you were trying to play some sort of drinking game where you had to take a shot every time a head, foot, gut or other body part either exploded in a shower of blood or was removed by force, you’d need to have your stomach pumped by the hour mark.

Robb Wells (Trailer Park Boys) has a brief role

It’s clear the film thrives on this too, throwing in ever-increasingly ridiculous set-ups and more contentious moments to really try and provoke a reaction. Three naked women hitting a man with baseball bats as he’s hung upside-down? Check. A woman having her hand shredded in a lawnmower, then using her bony stump to stab someone else? Yup. An entire schoolbus full of cute children set on fire? Incredibly, it’s in there. And yet somehow, despite how shocking this sounds in words, the whole film is so over-the-top and so blatantly set on trying to offend that it actually isn’t that bad. It’s the Evil Dead situation taken to the nth degree – show something so ridiculously over-the-top and do it consistently enough and it’ll eventually become so absurd it evokes humour rather than offence.

Doug took removing spiders from the bathroom a little too seriously

Top marks should go to the legendary Rutger Hauer in the leading role. He manages to get across a character that you’d never want to meet but still feel a great deal of sympathy and admiration for at the same time. Plus he looks cool as fuck with a shotgun.

Many films don’t try to change the world. They don’t want to cure cancer or spread awareness of suffering or make people appreciate their loved ones more. Some films just want to entertain and show the viewer something they’ve never seen before in any other movie. Hobo With A Shotgun does this time and time again, and as a result what it lacks in subtlety it makes up with shocks and laughs by the shopping trolley-load.

Damien: Omen II (1978)

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Don Taylor

Starring: William Holden, Jonathan Scott-Taylor, Lance Henriksen

“For such are false apostles. Deceitful workers whom lie and transform themselves to look like real apostles of Christ.” (Corinthians 11:13)

When you’ve already revealed in the original film that the main character is the Antichrist, how do you deliver a similar revelation in the sequel? Simple – make it so the nasty little bugger in question doesn’t know it yet.

That’s the premise in Damien: Omen II, which is set seven years after the events of its predecessor. Now 13 years old and living with his uncle and aunt, Damien has been protected from the past and as such doesn’t know what happened to his mother and father in the events of the first movie. He’s just a normal, cheery boy who happens to be part of the wealthy Thorn family.

"You're laughing now but wait until my dad wrecks the bloody joint"

It’s only when he goes to military camp with his cousin and starts hurting a bully by simply staring at him that Damien begins to notice something out of the ordinary is happening. Others – including his sergeant (the awesome Lance Henriksen) and the vice-president of Thorn Industries – seem to know who Damien really is, and are keen to help him discover his true identity.

Meanwhile, as in the original film, anyone who suspects Damien’s secret and tries to put a stop to it inevitably meet their fate in all manner of horrific ways. Trucks, trains, elevators… they’re all involved in some of the gruesome deaths this time around.

"Alright, who said that? I could have sworn someone said Pumpkinhead was shite"

Indeed, Omen II feels a bit like an attempt to recreate much of what made the original film so memorable. There are the nasty deaths, the doom-and-gloom “he will destroy us all” people who are shunned by Damien’s uncle, the eventual realisation that it’s true and the subsequent attempt to stop him – all of which feel very similar to events in The Omen. There’s even an evil animal in there, though it’s a raven this time instead of the first film’s dogs.

While it doesn’t quite have the same storytelling flair, chilling moments and impressive cast as the original film (Henriksen aside), Omen II is still a decent little film. The acting’s solid enough for the most part – although the young chap playing Damien is irritating for the first 20 minutes – the story moves along at a fair pace and there’s a reasonably satisfying conclusion to the whole thing.

"It's not a shit haircut, it's en evil haircut. Get your facts right mate"

It just feels at times a bit like The Omen Lite, an attempt to replicate the impact of the original but one that cuts out vital ingredients in doing so. There’s no equivalent of the first movie’s mental Mrs Baylock to keep viewers on their toes, there’s no big shock as to the lead character’s secret identity because we already had that shock in the previous film, and – ironically – since the ‘smears on photos predicting deaths’ idea from its predecessor is no longer here, there isn’t actually an omen to speak of either.

That said, it’s still an interesting follow-up to the original film, and one that provides a decent midway point between The Omen and the significantly different The Omen III: The Final Conflict. Just don’t go rushing out to see it if you haven’t seen the original first.

For Y’ur Height Only (1981)

Published on by Chris Scullion7 Comments

Director: Eddie Nicart

Starring: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Beth Sandoval

“You’re such a tiny little guy. Very petite, like a potato.” (Irma, For Y’ur Height Only)

Dr Kohler, a scientist responsible for the creation of the deadly N-bomb, has been kidnapped by a group of Filipino henchmen working for the mysterious Mr Giant. A top secret agency sends their finest agent on a mission to find out more, rescue Dr Kohler and put an end to Giant’s crime syndicate. What’s that? It sounds like your standard spy movie? That’s because I neglected to tell you the secret agent in question is a midget.

Look up, Weng Weng! Not that you have much choice, mind

Yes, the hero in For Y’ur Height Only (no, I don’t understand the apostrophe) is Agent 00, played by 2’9” Weng Weng (who still holds the Guinness World Record as the shortest actor in a leading role). Is this cruel? Is it exploiting poor little Weng Weng? Well, if it is, you wouldn’t know it, because the tiny fella seems to be having a whale of a time.

Being such a tiny chap, Agent 00 can infiltrate areas no other agent can, squeezing himself into tight gaps and hiding under tables before springing out and attacking his enemies. And boy, can he attack. Much of the film’s numerous fights scenes consists of Weng Weng kicking various arses, not to mention testicles and heads. They’re as well choreographed as you’d expect a fight with a midget could be, though you’ll find Agent 00’s apparent strength a little hard to swallow at times.

The wee man's deadly with a toothpick, you've got to give him that

The one challenge with an action movie starring a midget is that you’re going to struggle to find a stunt double, so luckily Weng Weng is more than capable of performing his own stunts. It does look like he gets a helping hand at times however – some scenes see him sliding backwards across the floor at speed while firing a gun, a trick no doubt performed by having an off-camera crew member physically launch him across the floor. There’s also one hilarious scene where he leaps on a criminal from the top of a stairwell, clearly achieved by having someone literally chuck him at them.

Of course, if the film wasn’t actually entertaining then For Y’ur Eyes Only’s gimmick would probably get boring eventually. Thankfully this isn’t the case and the film remains amusing throughout. Agent 00 is armed with a huge selection of gadgets and gizmos (presented to him in an absurdly long scene aping the Q scenes in a Bond movie) and uses these devices throughout the film to keep things interesting.

It's a midget on a jetpack. No further comment is necessary

It’s the items Agent 00 receives along the way that lead to the most memorable scenes however, most notably one where he jumps off a block of flats while holding an umbrella (clearly turning into a dummy during the wide shot, smacking its legs off the side of the building as it gracelessly tumbles down) and another where he is given a jetpack. Yes, this film has a midget with a jetpack. Naturally, when I watched this with a primarily Glaswegian audience, one chap was heard to excitedly exclaim “awww fuck offff” during this scene.

The only real negative point of For Y’ur Height Only is the soundtrack. It only has a couple of themes and one of them is an incredibly irritating rendition of the James Bond theme interspersed with screeching trumpets. This is repeated ad nauseum throughout the film and begins to grate by the end.

That’s the only annoying aspect of a hugely entertaining film, however. For Y’ur Height Only may essentially boil down to people laughing at a midget trying to be James Bond, but given that Weng Weng’s clearly having as much fun as the audience then enjoying it without feeling guilty is no tall order (ahem).

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
For Y’ur Height Only is only available on DVD in the US. If you can play Region 1 DVDs you can import it in a double-bill with a dodgy kung-fu film by clicking here. If you live in the US you can buy the DVD by clicking here.

Turkey Shoot (1982)

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Starring: Steve Railsback, Olivia Hussey, Michael Craig

Also known as: Death Camp Thatcher (UK video), Escape 2000

“Freedom is obedience, obedience is work, work is life.” (Charles Thatcher, Turkey Shoot)

It is the future: the year 1995, to be precise (though everyone still has early 1980s hairdos). After a nondescript country falls under the control of an evil totalitarian regime, correctional camps start springing up across the country to teach deviants how to live ‘properly’ and do what they’re told. This is the harsh reality facing our protagonists in Turkey Shoot. Oh, and there’s a werewolf in there somewhere too for no reason.

Turkey Shoot is an Australian exploitation film that bombed in both its native country and in the US (where it was known as Escape 2000). It was only when it was released in the UK – as Death Camp Thatcher – that it found success, mainly because its new name combined with its story of oppressed people rising up against their leaders struck a chord with the UK public for obvious reasons at the time.

"Take that Tom Baker! Sorry? You're not? Please accept my sincere apologies, sir."

The film follows a small group of camp prisoners, most notably Paul (Steve Railsback) – a pirate radio presenter who was caught broadcasting anti-dictatorship messages – and Chris (Olivia Hussey), a shy shop owner who was captured when a protestor randomly stumbled into her store and the police thought he was conspiring with her. The head of the camp, Charles Thatcher (see what they did there?), fancies a bit of sport and so he picks five prisoners, including our two new chums, and offers them a deal.

The five are allowed to leave the camp and roam the surrounding forestry, but after three hours Thatcher and four of his associates will start hunting them. If they can survive without being caught until sundown, they will be free forever. If the hunters catch them however, they’ll be killed. It’s basically a cross between First Blood and Battle Royale.

I'm not even going to begin to describe what's going on in this picture

To keep things interesting, the five hunters each have their own weaponry and wildly different personalities. One is an upper-class lesbian with a crossbow and a collection of explosive arrows, another roams the forest in a bulldozer alongside his pet werewolf wrestler. Shut up, it’s the future. They can do what they want.

The first half of Turkey Shoot is taken up explaining the camp scenario and generally showing how nasty the camp staff are. It goes on a little too long and the film makes it point long before it decides it has. Thankfully, once the group leave the camp and the hunt begins, the pace starts to get a lot faster and the action a lot more ridiculous, especially when the gore starts flowing.

Some joker had heated up Bob's gun

It may take a while but once the blood starts to spill in Turkey Shoot it does so in numerous inventive ways. Hands are cut off, bodies are split in two at the waist and in one memorable scene a machine gun somehow manages to make a head and body explode into thousands of pieces.

The cast are generally entertaining for their own reasons. Steve Railsback is an intense lead, the chap playing Thatcher chews so much scenery it’s a wonder he hasn’t gained weight by the end of the film and while legend has it that Olivia Hussey was a tricky actress to work with (she refused to do any nude scenes, which explains why she showers with her jumpsuit on), she plays the innocent shy victim role perfectly.

Meanwhile, the film’s soundtrack is a wonder in itself. The score served up by Brian May (no, not that one) is brilliantly ludicrous, with synths and various bizarre sounds adding an extra layer of weird to the already mental goings-on.

Turkey Shoot is schlock but it’s fun schlock. While the hunting scenes in the film’s second half are much more entertaining than the first half’s over-long camp scenes, it’s still compelling viewing throughout and you really do want Paul and Chris to give Thatcher a much-deserved kicking. It’s not a must-have but if you get the opportunity to see it you should.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
If you live in the UK, you can buy the Region 2 DVD here.
If you live in America, you can buy the Region 1 DVD (as Escape 2000) here.

Seed Of Chucky (2004)

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Don Mancini

Starring: Jennifer Tilly, Redman, John Waters, voices of Brad Dourif and Billy Boyd

“I’m an Oscar-nominee, for God’s sake. Now look at me, I’m fucking a puppet.” (Jennifer Tilly, Seed Of Chucky)

After Bride Of Chucky took the Child’s Play series and injected a much-needed burst of dark humour to proceedings, it would have been impossible for its successor to go back to pure horror. Sure enough, Seed Of Chucky goes even further down the comedy route, only just stopping short of having the characters throw custard pies at one another.

Seed Of Chucky is set in the ‘real world’, a world in which Chucky is just a doll in some daft horror movies. We’re first introduced to a new doll, Glen (voiced by Billy Boyd). Glen doesn’t know who his parents are – can you see where this is going? – but after seeing an on-set report from the latest Child’s Play movie on TV he notices that he shares the same ‘Made In Japan’ markings Chucky has on his wrist.

So that's the Seed Of Chucky, is it? Oh.

Glen decides to travel to Hollywood to meet Chucky and Tiffany, his apparently Japanese mum and dad. When he gets there he finds that Chucky and Tiffany are just normal dolls, but after a spot of voodoo (ah, that old chestnut) they’re back to their old selves and ready to carve upLos Angeles, but not before trying to figure out how to raise their son. Or is it their daughter?

You see, Chucky wants to raise Glen as a killer so he can go on murderous sprees with his old man in the same way other father/son combos would go fishing or watch sports. Tiffany, meanwhile, is adamant that their child is in fact a girl called Glenda (a nod to the Ed Wood cross-dressing classic Glen Or Glenda). The fact that, being a doll, Glen/da doesn’t have any genitalia doesn’t really solve the argument, so Chucky and Tiffany spend the rest of the film competing for the love (and gender) of their offspring.

Her eyes are up there, Chucky

Killer dolls aside, the real star of the show is Jennifer Tilly, not only providing the voice of Tiffany but also playing a caricaturised version of herself in this ‘real world’. This version of Tilly is a desperate B-list actress who was once respected (Tilly was nominated for an Oscar in real life for her performance in Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway) and is now struggling to get all the good roles because they keep going to the likes of Julia Roberts. Throughout the movie Tilly considers sleeping with a director (played by Wu-Tang Clan legend Redman) to get a part, is frustrated when everyone she meets only remembers her from her lesbian scene in Bound and treats her PA like dirt, without realising that she’s the one writing all her so-called ‘fan mail’.

Well, that's what happens when your dog swallows a grenade

She also sticks the boot into herself a few times while voicing Tiffany, who at first is starstruck by Tilly and then begins to lose respect for her (“no wonder her career’s in trouble”). In one scene Tiffany drags an unconscious Tilly across the floor and declares “jeez, she’s fat” – a line many actors would refuse to say, I’d wager, but one that Tilly is game to deliver with refreshing self-deprecation.

After a series of inventive and gory death scenes (cult movie-making icon John Waters getting acid poured on his face, anyone?), the film falls apart a little in the third act as the novelty factor starts to wear off and Glen’s character (the weakest of the three dolls) comes to the fore. It’s a shame, because the first hour is great fun, but much like a French frog it just doesn’t have legs.

Seed Of Chucky is both the goriest and least serious of the five Chucky movies to date. The fact that the upcoming Child’s Play remake is taking the series back to its deadly serious roots shows that Seed was essentially as far as the comedy approach could go, and this shows near the end of the film as the laughs get stretched further and further. Still, it’s not a terrible film by any means, and should at least keep you entertained for most of its duration.

The Omen (1976)

Published on by Chris Scullion9 Comments

Director: Richard Donner

Starring: Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner, Harvey Stephens, Billie Whitelaw

“Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, and his number is 666” (Revelations 13:18)

After the phenomenal success of The Exorcist it was inevitable that some imitators would appear to try and cash in on all the “yay God, boo the devil” sentiment among moviegoers. While a number of low-budget attempts failed miserably it would be The Omen, released three years after The Exorcist, that would successfully manage to effectively compete for the coveted crown of Best Horror Film About A Little Child With Links To Satan But It’s Not A Horror Film Honest Mate It’s A Faith-Based Thriller. And that’s a highly competitive sub-genre.

Mrs Thorn felt uneasy as she saw Michael Barrymore arriving for the party

The Omen follows Robert Thorn (Peck), an American Ambassador and potential future President of the United States. His wife unfortunately has a stillborn child at the start of the film but she remains unconscious for a while after the delivery and so isn’t immediately aware of this. A priest offers Robert a solution – a healthy orphan newborn whose mother has died in childbirth and has no immediate family. Thorn takes the baby and tells his none-the-wiser wife it belongs to them.

"What? Oh we were just digging up this grave to give the skeleton some air. We definitely weren't going to have sex with it"

Fast-forward five years and weird things start happening. At their son Damien’s fifth birthday party their nanny hangs herself in front of all the guests, declaring to Damien that it’s “all for you”. A replacement nanny turns up out of the blue and, along with her rottweiler dog, show an unhealthy interest in taking care of Damien.

Things start going tits-up when Thorn is approached by a priest, who claims he was there when Thorn’s adopted son was born. He tells him Damien is actually the Antichrist, the Devil’s son, and that Thorn has to start accepting Christ if he wants to survive. Thorn isn’t having any of it, and shortly afterwards the priest dies in a freak accident where he’s impaled with a spear-like church spire.

"That's odd, I'm sure my black telephone is always sitting right here"

A journalist called Jennings (Warner) shows Thorn photos he took of the nanny and priest before they died. Both have dark marks over them in the shape of a noose and a spear respectively. What’s more, Jennings had taken a photo of himself and in it there’s a dark line across his neck. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

Despite the whole spooky child premise and the Satanic element The Omen doesn’t really have much in common with The Exorcist. Damien doesn’t ever really do anything in the way Reagan does, it merely seems to be the case that odd things happen around him. Instead the film feels more like a predecessor to more modern movies like Final Destination and The Ring in that it revolves around premonitions of deaths about to occur (or omens, if you will).

Well hello there, little chap! Aren't you a cute little OH JESUS CHRIST MY EYES ARE ON FIRE

As a result of this, despite any suspicions you may have The Omen actually isn’t that scary at all. The fear comes in the concern that Damien is about to suddenly snap, expose himself as the devil’s son and do something evil, a concern that ultimately leads to nothing. Its few deaths, while effectively directed, are still handled in a way that they’re not too shocking with the possible exception of the film’s most famous scene, involving a stray pane of glass. Instead it’s more of a paranormal thriller, a race against time to figure out why these deaths are happening and how to put an end to them before any more occur.

Perhaps the most effective thing about the film however is the music. Jerry Goldsmith’s iconic Latin chanting and dramatic orchestral score is so effective and adds so much to the action it won him his only Oscar, impressive considering his life’s work included scores for the likes of Poltergeist,  LA Confidential, Chinatown, Gremlins, First Blood, Alien, Mulan and Planet Of The Apes.

If you’re expecting spinning heads and an evil kid going on a rampage, that’s not what The Omen is all about. If you’re looking for a creepy movie with an underlying sense of unease however, rather than a balls-to-the-wall demonfest, then The Omen is a mini masterpiece.

Friday The 13th (1980)

Published on by Chris Scullion13 Comments

Director: Sean S Cunningham

Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon, Walt Gorney

“You’re going to Camp Blood, ain’t ya? You’ll never come back again. It’s got a death curse!” (Crazy Ralph, Friday The 13th)

You can’t beat a good Jason movie. Not that this is one, of course, because he’s not really in it. And while the reference to Friday The 13th in the opening scene of Scream did its best to inform today’s horror fans that Jason Voorhees was never actually the killer in the original movie, many still believe he’s been the one slicing up teens ever since the series began. They’re wrong. Laugh at them.

Regardless of the big man’s absence Friday The 13th is still a hugely influential film. Much like Halloween inspired the slasher genre in the first place, Friday The 13th was the film responsible for countless imitators in the more specific camp slasher sub-genre. Sleepaway Camp, The Burning, even modern ‘gems’ like Scream Bloody Murder… they all got the original ‘teens at a camp’ idea from Friday The 13th.

Insert your own "splitting headache" joke

The story now sounds clichéd but at the time it was fairly original. 23 years after Camp Crystal Lake closes down following an accident an enterprising young chap decides to open it up again, despite warnings from the locals to leave well alone. As we join the story the counsellors are making their way to the camp early to prepare for the children’s arrival in a few days. But they’re not alone… well, obviously, because the other counsellors are there. What I mean is there’s a killer wandering around too.

As the first important camp slasher movie, Friday The 13th established a lot of the clichés that remain to this day. Gory deaths are a given but it was also responsible for cementing the unwritten rule that if you have sex you die, the subsequent rule that the virgin is the one who’ll become the survivor, and the presence of that camp slasher favourite, the Crazy Old Man™.

Ralph was right! Who's crazy now, eh? (answer: it's still Ralph)

Friday The 13th’s Crazy Old Man™ is Ralph, an apparent Grade A mentalist who advises one of the counsellors that Camp Crystal Lake has a “death curse” and that they should stay away. Though it’s not a curse as such, the fact that Ralph was right all along and that he’s smart enough to then piss off after his warning so he can survive past the closing credits (in this film, at least) means he’s a credit to Crazy Old Men™ everywhere. Good work, Ralph.

Of course, all the counsellors ignore Ralph because he’s a Crazy Old Man™ and continue on to the camp, presumably because if they’d said “hmmm, sounds dangerous, let’s go back home and get a bar job instead” the film would perhaps have been less exciting and may not have spawned the eleven sequels it did.

"I'm sorry, all I meant was that for a female killer you've got very hairy hands"

And so, as would soon become traditional, the counselors start getting offed one by one. The deaths surprisingly realistic for a film with such a low budget, mainly thanks to the special effects expertise of a young Tom Savini, who would go on to become a legend of the horror genre with films like Dawn Of The Dead. The most impressive scene of the bunch is the arrow-in-the-neck demise of Jack – played by a 21-year-old Kevin Bacon in his first role – which looks so believable that to this day many are still stumped as to how it was done (though there have been documentaries since that have revealed the secret).

Of course, as is customary in these films the killer has to eventually be revealed, and while I won’t spoil it (in case you’re one of the few people who doesn’t know what happens) it leads to a rather underwhelming final fifteen minutes when you know the killer isn’t exactly the strongest person in the world. Still, the final death and the brilliant twist ending make up for it.

Friday The 13th may be showing its age now and it may not prominently feature the man who would become synonymous with the series but despite this it’s still a great example of the genre at its purest. If you’re relatively new to slasher films and are as a result less likely to be able to tell when the jumps are coming (many films used the Friday The 13th series as templates for the timing of their jumps) then you’ll be in for a scary ride, but for everyone else these days it’s just a dumb, fun movie that happened to give birth to an entire sub-genre. See it.

Bride Of Chucky (1998)

Published on by Chris Scullion8 Comments

Director: Ronny Yu

Starring: Jennifer Tilly, Katherine Heigl, John Ritter, voice of Brad Dourif

Jesse: “How’d you end up like this?”
Tiffany: “It’s a long story.”
Chucky: “Let me put it this way. If it were a movie, it would probably take three or four sequels to do it justice.” 

A lot can change in seven years. When Child’s Play 3 was released in 1991 the idea of a killer doll was still considered scary. By the time Chucky’s fourth film went into production however horror was in its post-Scream phase and slasher films were being taken less seriously when their killers were human, let alone a tiny ginger plastic midget. Chucky would have stood no chance as a convincing horror star anymore had his fourth film stuck to the super-serious Child’s Play formula, so things would have to change.

"Nice work eBay, you bastards... minor imperfections my arse"

And so, rather than following the tried-and-tested “Chucky stalks a young child” routine as seen in the previous three Child’s Play movies, Bride Of Chucky instead became a knowing, tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating movie that knew audiences wouldn’t take killer dolls seriously anymore and so chose not to take itself seriously either.

The film opens with Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly), an ex-girlfriend of Chucky’s when he was still a human, tracking down the remains of the Chucky doll and bringing them home. After performing voodoo on the doll and bringing Chucky back to life, she tells him she’s going to help him find a human body so they can finally get married like they’d planned. Problem is there’s been a little misunderstanding and Chucky never wanted to get married, so a dejected Tiffany locks Chucky in a cage, vowing to keep him in his doll form.

Laugh it up now mate but your hand isn't articulated enough to pull the trigger

After breaking loose, Chucky decides to give Tiffany a taste of her own medicine and voodoos her soul into the body of a bride doll. The plastic pair grudgingly form an alliance to seek out the corpse of Charles Lee Ray (Chucky’s original form) so they can find the amulet he was buried with and use its power to turn them both human again.

Whereas the Child’s Play trilogy played things out with a stony-faced solemnity as if it were Cape Fear, Bride Of Chucky knows it’s a bit mental and because of this it’s far funnier than Chucky’s previous films. The one-liners come thick and fast and the characters of Chucky and Tiffany play well off each other. They’re an odd couple both literally and figuratively – Tiffany wants a happy home where she bakes cookies for her loving man, while Chucky is a foul-mouthed sleazeball who doesn’t have a romantic bone in his plastic body – so it’s fun watching their personalities clash.

When Mick Hucknall met Debbie Harry, it was awkward to say the least

Humour aside, Bride Of Chucky’s level of violence is also brought killing and screaming into the late ‘90s. At one point being told his traditional knife is “too ‘80s”, Chucky is encouraged to improvise new ways of offing his foes and this results in some interesting kills. Safe to say you’ll never sleep in a water bed, break into a car or step into the middle of the motorway again – though if you do the latter you’re sort of asking for it anyway.

Bride Of Chucky may not be to everyone’s taste but it’s really the best direction the series could have taken. Chucky just wasn’t scary anymore by the time this went into production (though the upcoming Child’s Play remake may change that) and so it’s ultimately better to get audiences laughing with him than laughing at him. With this change in tone, what could have become an ‘80s slasher character long forgotten among the Leprechauns, Critters and Ghoulies of this world is now a cult hero among genre fans, with merchandise up the wazoo and a horde of followers. Bride Of Chucky was a big risk but, as the film’s poster says, Chucky got lucky.

Mega Python Vs Gatoroid (2011)

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

Director: Mary Lambert

Starring: Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Adolfo Martinez, Robert Shafer

“The pythons aren’t at the top of the food chain. I am. And I say we’re gonna take care of this problem, right now.” (Terry, Mega Python Vs Gatoroid)

Okay, enough is enough. A message to all low-budget filmmakers – it’s now time to stop using cheap CGI companies to make your special effects. These SyFy-financed creature feature films (see also Dinoshark and and Sharktopus) have been coming thick and fast for a couple of years now and the effects are somehow managing to get worse. In the latest of these 90-minute brainfarts Mega Python Vs Gatoroid, there are moments where CGI is used seemingly for the sake of it, even though real-life props would have been cheaper and more realistic.

Look! It’s Tiffany!

Anyway, we’ll come back to that in a bit. Mega Python Vs Gatoroid stars ’80s music starlets Tiffany and Debbie Gibson in a movie that actually has them fighting more than the titular superbeasts. It’s set in the Florida Everglades, where a surprising number of alligators have been turning up dead. It soon emerges that the reason for this is some mutated giant pythons that were freed from a research lab, released into the wild and began to lay eggs.

Terry O’Hara (Tiffany), the local ranger, gives the go-ahead to legalise python hunting in the area while activist Dr Nikki Riley (Gibson), who freed the pythons in the first place, campaigns to stop people killing the animals. Eventually the pythons start getting so big that Terry decides to make the controversial decision to inject some dead chickens with steroids then chuck them in the river so the alligators will eat them and grow. And you thought “Gatoroid” would be a half-alligator, half-hemmorhoid.

Look! It’s Debbie Gibson!

Naturally, there’s a lot to be said for a film that lets you finally tell people “yes, I watched a movie with a scene in which that woman who used to sing I Think We’re Alone Now injects uncooked chickens with steroids”, or even “have you ever seen a film where Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees is stepped on and crushed by a 30-foot alligator? I have”, but I can understand why that may not be enough for some people. Thankfully there are also a few sub-plots dotted around to keep things varied.

Most entertaining are the trio of hunters led by Robert Shafer (better known as Bob Vance of Vance Refridgerations from the US version of The Office), who wander round the forests with their shotguns while giving their best redneck “yeehaw” impressions. Then there’s Dr Diego Ortiz (Martinez), who spends most of the film telling an uninterested Tiffany that they need to destroy all the six-foot alligator eggs in caves around the area. And of course the rivalry with Tiffany and Gibson continues to simmer throughout the film, until it comes to a head with a ridiculous catfight that many 30-year-olds would have killed to see in the ’80s when they were rival popstars.

Look! It’s Phil Spector! Um, probably.

So what’s not to like? The “special” effects, that’s what (oh, they’re special alright). I make no exaggeration when I say the CGI – in particular the giant pythons – are so badly rendered that it genuinely looks like something out of a video game on a high-end PC. It’d be acceptable for gaming, sure, but in a movie alongside real life actors? It looks atrocious.

As previously explained, it’s worse when the CGI is used as a replacement when props would have worked better. I can just about understand using the CGI for the snakes and alligators while they’re alive, but when a large python is dead and you’ve got an actor lying underneath it you should really be using a big rubber prop. It’s cheaper and when the actor interacts with it (he struggles to try to get out from under it) it looks realistic because, well, it is. It’s a physical object.

Look! It’s the big snake from Resident Evil on the GameCube!

Instead, here you have a man who was filmed struggling with nothing on him at all and then had a cheap-as-fuck CGI snake placed over him, sloppily animated to look like it’s moving as he does. There’s even some horrible glitching at times, where his hand goes through the snake when he moves. Just get a rubber one, seriously.

This continues throughout the film. When a snake attacks a dog near the start it looks like something out of Tekken. The climactic scene looks like it should have a “Player 2 press Start to join in” message at the top-right of the screen. And there are so many bad bluescreen scenes that they might as well have filmed the whole thing against someone’s bedroom wall and superimposed the actors over old episodes of The Crocodile Hunter.

In terms of general entertainment Mega Python Vs Gatoroid is one of the better SyFy-funded movies out there, though that’s not saying much. The atrocious video game-quality CGI is some of the worst I’ve seen, however, to the extent that it takes away from the otherwise cheesy fun on offer (watch the trailer below and you’ll see what I mean). Just stick Tiffany’s album on Spotify and play Tomb Raider instead.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
If you live in the UK, Mega Python Vs Gatoroid currently isn’t on DVD or Blu-ray but it’s on SyFy and SyFy HD a hell of a lot at the time of writing. If you live in the US and want your own copy on a shiny disc you can get the Blu-ray by clicking here and get the DVD by clicking here.