Author: Chris Scullion

Chris Scullion is a Scottish video games journalist who's been covering video games professionally for 16 years. For the first six years of his career he worked at the Official Nintendo Magazine in the UK, then became the Games Editor of CVG before its untimely end. After setting up his own site, Tired Old Hack, Chris then joined Video Games Chronicle (VGC) where he is currently Features Editor. He has a passion for retro games and cataloguing their history, hence his ongoing series of console encyclopedia books (search his name on Amazon).

Alien Terminator (1995)

Published on by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Dave Payne

Starring: Maria Ford, Rodger Halston, Lisa Boyle, Bob McFarland

MCKAY – “Jinx is dead, and it’s not a pretty sight.”
PETE – “Ooh, open casket or closed casket?”
MCKAY – “No casket.”

When a movie’s title is simply those of two cult sci-fi classics slapped together, it should hardly shock you to the core to discover that the film itself is essentially 90 minutes of clichés. While it doesn’t really reference The Terminator in anything but name alone, Alien Terminator’s plot is more or less a direct lift from Alien with a bit of The Thing thrown in for good measure. It should probably have been called Alien Thing, really.

After years working underground in self-imposed isolation, a group of scientists are spending their last day together before their work is over and they get to return to the surface. As is so often the case in these set-ups a spanner is thrown into the works, and this metaphorical spanner happens to be a mutated rat.

"It's a good job for you there are no guns down here otherwise my aggressive gesture would have had significantly more impact"

You see, one of the scientists is actually working on a secret project, trying to create the ultimate biological weapon. This results in one of his rats going apeshit, killing the other mice in his cage and then escaping through the air vent. It’s a bit like the scene with the dogs in The Thing, except on a much smaller scale and off-camera to save budget.

Eventually the rat kills a cat and then infects one of the workers and that’s when everything goes all Alien, to the outrageously plagiaristic extent that one of the guys is seemingly killed by a smaller creature then comes back to life, is feeling fine and then has an alien burst out of him at the dinner table. Through his back though, of course, because if it came through his chest you’d actually see it and it would have cost money to do.

So apparently this is how you studied DNA in the mid-1990s.

It’s the low budget that really makes itself most apparent in this movie. The main “alien” is a guy in a ridiculous furry suit, the scientist’s futuristic tools include some Virtual Reality glasses and some hideous CGI animations… it quickly becomes apparent that most of the budget was blown on the big explosion that takes place near the end of the film.

Meanwhile, the dialogue is as predictable as you can get – it’s not an exaggeration to say that nearly every single scene contains at least a few lines of typical sci-fi/action cliché dialogue. There’s the classic “How are you holding out” / “Gee, I didn’t know you cared” interchange, the vintage “I’m going back for her” / “dammit, she’s probably already dead” / “but I need to know for sure” debate, and of course who could forget the classic “we need to stop this thing” / “what do you mean we, I don’t get paid enough to have that thing kill me” argument.

"Ha ha guys, isn't this just like the scene in Alien? The scene where that guy dies and OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING"

These clichés aren’t solely restricted to the dialogue, mind you – they’re weaved throughout the plot, the casting decisions, and every other aspect of the movie. There’s the faceless organisation boss who orders the controversial decision, the secret double agent and the attractive hard-ass woman who doesn’t have time for men but will ultimately fall in love with one of them by the end. And, of course, you can easily spot a mile off the weaker actress who has clearly just been hired because she’s got the biggest breasts and is willing to get them out (which she predictably does for no reason).

Alien Terminator is goofy fun if you fancy a game of Spot The Stereotype. It’s not a well-made film by any means, but it’s worth a watch for a laugh.

People search for the oddest things – Part 2

Published on by Chris Scullion1 Comment

If you haven’t read the first part of this before you can find it right here, but in essence here’s what it was about – WordPress keeps track of the things people search for to find my site, so in the first part I listed some of the oddest things people searched for to somehow end up being directed here.

That was around three and a half months ago however, and I’ve had plenty more visitors through odd searches since then. I thought I’d use this post to list some of the newer ones.

First of all, in case you’re curious, these are the ten search results that directed most people to the site:

Someone searched for "woman being eaten by snake" to get here. Oh you guyzzzz

1. the langoliers
2. children of the corn
3. mega python vs gatoroid
4. the exorcist
5. malachai
6. dinoshark
7. that was a bit mental
8. jaws 2
9. hell comes to frogtown
10. planet of the apes 1968

What do these results tell me? Mainly that the two Stephen King films I’ve reviewed on this site are the two that far and away get the most people coming here, but also that people fucking love killer animal movies. If I was ever to review Pet Sematary I think the internet would explode… so expect that one soon.

Anyway, you’re not here to see that. You’re here to see what sort of weird shit people search for. Here, then, are just some of the searches that genuinely directed people to this site. Continue reading “People search for the oddest things – Part 2” →

Elvira’s Haunted Hills (2001)

Published on by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Sam Irvin

Starring: Cassandra Peterson, Richard O’Brien, Scott Atkinson

DR BRADLEY – “The village people say this castle is evil.”
ELVIRA – “Meh, who listens to the Village People any more?”

If you’re not familiar with Cassandra Peterson, she’s a comedy actress most famous for her alter-ago, the campy vampire Elvira. Elvira used to introduce old horror films on TV back in the 1980s and her cheesy jokes and – let’s face it – enormous chest made her a cult favourite among horror fans. In 1988 Peterson wrote and starred in a horror comedy called Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark, a film that’s since become the guilty pleasure of many a hardened horror nut. A sequel was planned, but after many years being screwed over by various studios she finally decided to go indie and make the film herself. The result thirteen years later was Elvira’s Haunted Hills.

Elvira's answer to an 1800s jacuzzi - getting your maid to blow bubbles into your bath

Set in 1851, Haunted Hills sees Elvira travelling through Europe to perform a show in Paris but finding herself lost in Romania in the process. After hitching a ride with a creepy-looking coach Elvira meets Dr Bradley, a posh-sounding Englishman who offers to take her to a castle to stay for the night. What he neglects to tell her is that the castle is owned by Lord Hellsubus (Richard O’Brien), a rich maniac who lost his wife many years ago and never recovered. Oh, and his wife haunts the mansion and looks just like Elvira. Cue the antics!

Richard O'Brien tries to explain the Crystal Maze format to a confused Elvira

Make no bones about it, this horror-comedy has much more of the latter and hardly any of the former, but that was always its intention. It’s a spoof of the various Roger Corman and Hammer movies of the 70s and 80s set in the same time period, with nods to The House Of Usher and The Pit And The Pendulum throughout (though you don’t need to have seen those films to ‘get’ it).

Haunted Hills packs an impressive number of jokes in its 90-minute running time, and while some of them are fairly cringeworthy (comedy ‘boink’ sound effects and sped-up scenes will never be funny, and the numerous long screaming scenes are intensely irritating) there are a decent number of jokes that hit the mark, mainly those from Elvira herself.

"I agree the painting's shit but setting fire to it seems a wee bit severe"

Indeed, it’s little wonder Elvira is the star of the show, because she’s the only truly entertaining character in the film. Her down-to-earth nature and modern, dry sense of humour provides a funny juxtaposition with the 1851 setting and she still seems young and full of life despite being over 50 when the movie was filmed.

If you want to see what the big deal is with Elvira then Elvira’s Haunted Hills is a decent way to find out. It’s by no means a great film but her performance shines through and turns a potentially humour-free mess into a chuckle-filled cheesefest.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
If you’re a UK subscriber to LoveFilm then you can stream Elvira’s Haunted Hills for free as part of your package. Otherwise, you can buy the region 2 DVD by clicking here. American Elviraphiles can buy the region 1 DVD by clicking here.

Scream 3 (2000)

Published on by Chris Scullion6 Comments

Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Parker Posey, Patrick Warburton, Lance Henriksen

“Is this simply another sequel? If it is, same rules apply. But if you find yourself dealing with an unexpected backstory and a preponderance of exposition, then the sequel rules do not apply. Because you are not dealing with a sequel, you are dealing with the concluding chapter of a trilogy.” (Randy, Scream 3)

“All I know about movie trilogies is that in the third one, all bets are off”. In a roundabout way, this single line of dialogue attempts to account for Scream 3’s plot but instead sums up everything that’s wrong with it. Gone are the clever references to horror films from the first Scream and the cheeky nods at sequel clichés in its follow-up, replaced by confusing plot points, tired fourth wall references and an ending that’s about as satisfying as using beehives as football boots, with the simple explanation each time that “hey, it’s the third one, we can do any old shite and it’s fair game”.

Sidney couldn't believe the Scottish one had been kicked out of The X Factor

Taking place a couple of years after the events of Scream 2, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is now living out in the middle of nowhere. Along with her change of address comes a complete change of identity, her name and job altered in an attempt to avoid any more crazed killers who might want to call her up and give her hassle. Ironically, her new job is telephone counselling, in which she helps women over the phone who are suffering from sensitive problems. Guess what happens next?

"I don't care if it's a ghost instead of a woman this time Tiger, you told me you were going to pack this shite in"

The whole “film within a film” thing from Scream 2 is copied again in Scream 3 but it’s taken to the nth degree by setting the majority of the action on the set of the next Stab movie. All the ‘disposable’ characters are actors playing the real-life Sidney, Gail Weathers and the like, making for a silly sub-plot in which the killer is seemingly killing the actors in the same order the real characters died – a sub-plot that mysteriously disappears halfway through the film when the writers seemingly realise that most of the real characters aren’t actually dead yet.

It’s just a mess, really. The instances of humour are clumsy (look, it’s Jay and Silent Bob taking a tour of the film set! It’s real actors playing fake characters in a fake real film set of a fake movie based on fake real events! And look! It’s Carrie Fisher playing a woman who looks just like Carrie Fisher!) the secondary characters have as much personality as a stapler, the blatant shoehorning of Randy into the film – because he was the only interesting character in the previous two instalments – is unsatisfying and the whole thing in general is just underwhelming.

Stella McCartney's winter range was something of an acquired taste

By far the most disappointing aspect, however, is the ending. The whole point of the Scream movies is trying to figure out the identity of the killer and their motive, but when it’s revealed to be one of the least interesting characters in the film and they then go on a boring rant about something or other that nobody really gives a shit about, then Scream 3’s status as a crushingly inadequate end to an otherwise great trilogy is cemented.

My advice is to watch Scream and Scream 2 back-to-back then pretend the third one didn’t exist. As for Scream 4? Well, that’s for another review…

The Witch Who Came From The Sea (1976) (Video Nasty review #5)

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Director: Matt Cimber

Starring: Millie Perkins, Lonny Chapman, Vanessa Brown

“If only there was a way of making a fortune babysitting you, sister Molly, could be a babysitting millionaire. Don’t tell me the kids don’t like you better than they like me, their own hardworking mother. Don’t say that or I’d say seaweed if you said that.” (Cathy, The Witch Who Came From The Sea)

Let’s face it, most of the video nasties are light on plot. With gore, nudity and shock value very much the key components of your standard nasty, anyone out metaphor-hunting will come back with an empty net. Except for that one I just did. That’s my gift to you.

The Witch Who Came From The Sea, however, actually has a bit of depth to it and bravely explores a taboo that films rarely touch – the mental trauma suffered by adults who suffered child abuse when they were younger. Given the subject matter and its entry in the notorious video nasty it’s easy to believe this is likely to be a pretty repulsive film, but in actuality it’s handled with a surprising degree of tact.

"Don't worry, I'm not really a witch. I do cut dicks off, though"

Molly (Millie Perkins, fresh from her critically acclaimed role as Anne Frank) is a single woman who dotes on her two nephews. She’s their best friend and spends most of her time hanging out with them, telling them stories about the ocean and their granddad, who she claims was lost at sea. In reality, he actually sexually abused Molly when she was a little girl, and she’s struggling to come to terms with it.

Molly has an interesting way to vent her frustrations surrounding her past. She’s developed a habit of seducing men considered heroes – sports stars, TV personalities – then having sex with them before cutting off their manhood and killing them. As you do.

It was the most controversial episode in the history of Gladiators

These scenes (along with the child abuse plot) are clearly the reason The Witch Who Came From The Sea gained its video nasty status, but in reality they’re unlikely to offend anyone in this day and age. All the dodgy stuff happens off-camera and the resulting blood is so fake it looks more like red wine.

It’s not a visually shocking film, then, but it still has a bit of punch during Molly’s disturbing flashbacks of her and her father. While these are thankfully handled fairly tactfully, they still make for uncomfortable viewing. In fact, the entire film has you feeling awkward throughout thanks to its odd presentation. Some of the killings are presented as dreams (even though they happened), complete with fuzzy picture and deliberately slowed-down speech. The best way of describing it would be that it feels like a normal film on some sort of hallucinogenic drug.

The midwives looked on in shock as Barbara gave birth to a fully-grown man

By far the star of the show is Millie Perkins as Molly. A first her performance seems a little off and wooden but as the plot develops you begin to understand why that is and as her mind deteriorates during the last 20 minutes it makes for compelling stuff.

The Witch Who Came From The Sea is a surprisingly accomplished little film, albeit one that’s a bit experimental and will have you scratching your head at times. While it’s not exactly a classic you should all be rushing out to see, it’s certainly one of the more watchable (and tamest) video nasties and one you should still check out if you get the opportunity.

Scream 2 (1997)

Published on by Chris Scullion4 Comments

Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Neve Cambell, Courteney Cox, Jamie Kennedy, David Arquette, Liev Schrieber, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jerry O’Connell, Timothy Olyphant

KILLER – “What’s your favourite scary movie?”
RANDY – “Showgirls.”

After slicing apart the horror genre and aiming knowing winks at many of its foibles in Scream, some felt that there wasn’t much opportunity to do the same in Scream 2 since so much had been covered already. By its very nature though Scream 2 provided Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson a chance to poke fun at one very important aspect of horror films that went unchallenged in the first film – sequels.

Set two years after the events of the first film, Scream 2 sees Sidney (Neve Campbell) at college with a bunch of new vict… um, friends. Sidney’s been getting hounded by the press because of a new movie called Stab, a ‘true story’ based on the events of the first film. As if that wasn’t bad enough, some students have been turning up dead too. Could there be a new killer following in the footsteps of the previous ones? Of course there is, it’s Scream 2.

"It's a good job the killer has a chronic case of narcolepsy," thought Susan

While the clever digs at horror convention and the ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ lines aren’t quite as frequent or obvious as they were in the original film, Scream 2 still has a bit of fun with the genre. The most entertaining dialogue-based scene in the first film – in which Randy teaches his fellow students the rules of horror movies – gets its own follow-up in which, during class, Randy and his peers discuss which movie sequels are better than the originals. Clearly they’ve never seen Return Of The Killer Tomatoes.

Don't be too upset, Ms Cox. Some people just didn't like Friends. Granted, this chap seems to be taking it a little bit too far

Much like in the first film, there are also a bunch of cameos stashed away for eagle-eyed viewers. Some are obvious – the Drew Barrymore role of ‘famous person who dies before the opening titles’ is this time taken by Jada Pinkett-Smith and Omar Epps – whereas others are more subtle. Keep an eye out for Heather Graham, Tori Spelling, Luke Wilson and writer Kevin Williamson all making brief appearances.

The ‘film within a film’ subplot also offers the filmmakers the chance to put the boot into another tired horror cliché, this time one propagated by the media – the copycat killer phenomenon. Wes Craven has covered press attitudes toward horror and its influence before in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, and he’s no easier on the subject here. It’s claimed by the various new reporters throughout the film that the killer is doing this because they’ve been inspired by the Stab movie, a theory that (while understandable in this case, given the Ghostface mask and the like) is ultimately shot down when their true identity and motives are revealed. Take that, journalists!

The killer isn't a vampire, you stupid mare

Speaking of the ending, it’s underwhelming. While the film – much like the first Scream – is essentially a whodunit, with the audience trying to guess which of the supporting characters is the murderer, the revelation here is nowhere near as shocking as it was in the original movie with the same twist getting churned out again. What’s more, the killers’ identity turns out to be disappointingly predictable, as it turns out the guy who had the evil grin and looked like a killer all the way through the film ends up revealing he was the man behind the mask all along. In fact, he was so blatantly a killer that by the end of the film most audiences will have already passed him off as a red herring because he was too obvious.

Scream 2 is fun. It’s by no means as fresh, as mould-breaking or as engaging as the original film and many of the kills are about as tame as an abused pet (throwing someone off a roof off-screen? Come on), but when a film openly admits in its dialogue that sequels are never better then that should come as little surprise. Check out the first film instead and if you enjoyed that then give this a go, it’ll keep you amused throughout its two-hour duration.

Blood Car (2007)

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Director: Alex Orr

Starring: Mike Brune, Anna Chlumsky, Katie Rowlett

“Puppies… you killed that girl with puppies.” (Archie, Blood Car)

It is the near future – a few weeks from now, to be exact. Due to a crumbling economic framework the oil market has collapsed, making petrol as rare as gold dust and turning the roads entirely car-free. Nerdy vegan Archie Andrews (Mike Brune) thinks he’s got the solution to the problem and is working on a car that runs entirely on wheatgrass, but it isn’t going so well. Until he cuts his finger.

When just a drop of his blood gets into the fuel tank, Archie’s custom-built car suddenly springs to life. He quickly realises that not only does his car run on blood, it works far more efficiently than if he was using petrol.

Look! it's her off My Girl! She looks happy considering her mate was killed by bees

Owning a car that actually runs makes Archie the cock of the walk, and he soon starts getting chatted up by the slutty Denise. This pisses off Lorraine (My Girl’s Anna Chlumsky, only about 15 years older), who works at the wheatgrass stall and is Archie’s secret admirer. Thus begins a battle for Archie’s heart while he tries to keep his blood-based secret to himself.

She gets her baps out five minutes later if you're into that sort of thing. You freak.

Driving the only car in town? Having two women fight over you? Sounds like a good situation for Archie to be in. What’s the problem, you may wonder. The problem is that Archie’s car starts running out of fuel again, and he can hardly keep draining his own blood to fill it up. He’s going to need more fresh blood, and the best way for him to do that is to start killing random people. Of course, being a vegan, that’s easier said than done.

Wheatgrass just isn't doing it, mate. I don't even know what wheatgrass is.

Blood Car may be decidedly low-budget but that’s part of its charm. You forgive the cheesy special effects and the hammy acting because the cast seem like they’re having a ball and you don’t want to rock the boat by saying “um, no offence, but you’re shit Chlumsky”. While many of the jokes are iffy, there are some real winners in there and the film’s general quirky mood will eventually have you smiling.

The only real problem with Blood Car is the ending, which just gets so ridiculous it stops being the funny little horror film it is and instead becomes a film trying too hard for attention.

Blood Car is cheesy, it’s eccentric, it’s low-budget and it’s funny. It’s not the greatest film of all time and it’s not exactly packed with memorable, show-stopping moments but it’s a pleasant enough way to spend an hour and a half.

Ringu (1998)

Published on by Chris Scullion3 Comments

Director: Hideo Nakata

Starring: Matsushima Nanako, Sanada Hiroyuki, Nakatani Miki, Sato Himoti

“Frolic in brine, golbins be thine.” (proverb, Ringu)

Rumour has it that a dodgy video tape exists, one that’s even more dangerous to have in your video library than Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist. If you watch this mythical tape, you’ll be treated to five minutes of weird and creepy imagery – people crawling backwards out of the sea, moving mirrors, worms and the like – then a shot of a well in a field, ending with static.

When the tape ends the viewer gets a phone call immediately afterwards, telling them that they’ll die in seven days. Sure enough, a week later they die in a gruesome, mysterious manner. I know what you’re thinking – Blockbuster’s late return policy is getting a bit overdramatic – but the tape has actually been cursed. At least, that’s what ‘they’ say. And you know what they’re like. If you’re curious and you want to see it for yourself, here’s a YouTube link to it – but of course, you may die a week later. It’s your risk.

The Vanessa Feltz sex tape had something of a mixed response

Cynical journalist Asakawa doesn’t believe in the curse, so after her niece and her friends all die with horrific expressions on their faces a week after watching the tape she decides to investigate to find out what’s really going on.

Ringu was the film that mainly kick-started western audiences’ obsession with Asian horror, an obsession that continued with the likes of The Eye, Dark Water, The Grudge, Pulse and Shutter. It, and the other films listed, proved that big budgets and fancy CGI weren’t necessary to create a terrifying experience (of course, all the above films were later remade in the US, complete with big budgets and fancy CGI). While constant jump scenes and slasher stalking sequences saturated western horror throughout the 90s, Ringu was a quiet, atmospheric, slow-burning Yin to our typical balls-to-the-wall Yang.

This was the most engrossing episode of You've Been Framed they'd ever seen

This continues throughout the film, its key scenes messing with the viewer’s mind rather than their reflexes. When Asakawa gets hold of her niece’s photos and sees that her face and those of all her friends have been blurred – a scene reminiscent of The Omen – this simple effect, which must have taken twenty seconds in Photoshop, is truly chilling. It’s far more effective than any ‘boo’ scare (don’t worry though, ‘boo’ scare fans, there’s one in there near the start).

A group of Glasgow Rangers supporters show off their holiday snaps

Looking back, it’s likely that some of the love gushed towards Ringu at the time was mainly because horror in the west at that point was at a low point and Ringu was the first big example of how it could be done in Asia. Looking at it more than a decade later, with Asian horror very much a common part of many filmgoers’ diet, it’s easier to see Ringu for what it is – a film that, while undeniably atmospheric and chilling, could probably be told as a 45-minute TV drama. While the slow pace manages to stretch it out to 90 minutes, it may be a bit too plodding for some especially given the ‘scare them every five minutes’ strategy used by the likes of The Grudge and The Eye.

Still, perhaps that’s a little unfair, since that was never the sort of film Ringu was trying to be. As long as you don’t mind a slow burner this still tells a gripping story and the famous twist ending – assuming nobody’s spoiled it for you, and I’m deliberately not showing it in the screens for a reason – will knock you on your arse. Just bear in mind its pace isn’t for everyone.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
If you live in the UK you can buy the Ringu DVD relatively cheap here or get it in a box set with Ringu 2 and Ringu O here. I’d recommend the box set if you can afford it because the first film doesn’t suffer from the dodgy white-on-white subtitles that the single DVD does. If you live in the US, you can get the single DVD here and get the box set here.

Real-life Mental – Popeye Village, Malta

Published on by Chris Scullion3 Comments

I spent last week on holiday in Malta. As a film buff, it makes sense that I would want to visit the set of one of the most emotionally charged, poignant pieces of cinema ever released in the medium’s relatively short history. I am of course, talking about Popeye Village, the set of the 1980 movie Popeye. While I’m sure everyone’s seen this gem at least forty times, here’s the trailer to jog your memory anyway:

Getting to Popeye Village was an adventure in itself because the journey took us across Malta. At one point we got off the bus at what we thought was the right stop. We were greeted with this:

Eventually we got there, and to its credit it does fulfil its main goal very well – the original Sweethaven Village set is present and looks just like it did in the film. Even for a film that hasn’t quite stood as a classic over the years, it still gives film fans like me a little thrill wandering around and imagining where the cameras, the lighting, the crew could have been positioned for each scene.

Of course, not everyone is interested in film sets (kids certainly aren’t), and there’s obviously much more to Popeye than the film. That’s why Popeye Village has more to offer than just some funny-looking buildings. Oddly though, very little of it has anything to do with Popeye.

There’s a bar, a pool area, a Christmas village (which was closed) and a nine-hole mini-golf course with dodgy holes – I scored a par on the first then had to stop because the hole had no walls and the ball rolled underneath the actual course. Apparently there was supposed to be a plastic cup in the hole. I salvaged the situation by pretending that my golf club was a walking stick and that I had used it to climb to the top of a mountain. This acting masterclass made me completely forget I was supposed to be playing golf, and thus the disappointment disappeared.

And then there’s Santa’s Toytown. This “attraction” is the reason you’re reading about Popeye Village on a site that generally covers horror movies, because Santa’s Toytown is one of the most unintentionally terrifying things I have ever seen.

The idea is that you walk through Santa’s workshop, watching little animatronic elves working away as you hear audio of them chatting to each other. However, there are many things wrong here. Not just wrong in the sense that “hmm, that’s not supposed to be like that”, but also in the sense that “that’s a bit fucked up really”. Here’s the first room:

Doesn’t look too bad, does it? Well, it gets infinitely creepier. Here’s what struck me as I walked through this ‘attraction’:

1) The elves are terrifying. Some of them have huge beards that cover their entire face, others look like old corpses wearing baseball caps, others are fat little trolls that look like something out of an ’80s horror film like, well, Troll 2.

2) The pre-recorded dialogue is bizarre. There’s weird chat of a man who sounds like Santa (even though he’s not in any of the displays) saying “excuse me for my interruption, I am a scientist”, and then talking about his computer screen and various other random things. It makes no sense whatsoever, and the fact that it’s not synced up to the barely animated troll elf things means it’s impossible to tell what’s going on. Most importantly, however…

3) Only the first room is working. Once you push open the squeaky door leading to the second room, you are no longer in Santa’s workshop. You are in Saw. You are in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. You are in Resident Evil. You are in Silent fucking Hill. You see, in the years since Popeye Village was formed, Santa’s Toytown has seemingly deteriorated drastically.

Only the first room has all the lights working, and only the first room has that odd recorded dialogue. Every other room is chillingly silent and very dimly lit – at times it’s pitch black. A camera flash is a wonderful thing, and it was thanks to my camera that I could see what the second room looked like (it looks like this, in case you’re interested), but as you’ll see in the video below it’s far darker and creepier when there’s no light. The animatronic elves still move, but they move very slowly, as if they’re barely possessed by a weak spirit ready to snap into action and leap over the barrier, pinning you down and consuming your soul.

After looking through the first couple of rooms I decided to walk back outside, stick my phone on and film a walkthrough of the entire building. In the video below you will follow me and my girlfriend through this unintentionally terrifying Blair Witch experience and hear our reactions as we saw its wonders for the first time, including easily the most fucked-up snowman you’ll ever see and, right at the end, a cow with breasts for a nose. This, my dear friends, is truly a bit mental.

9/11 (2002)

Published on by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Directors: Jules & Gedeon Naudet

Starring: Jules & Gedeon Naudet, the Fire Department of New York, the citizens of New York City

“When I came back that day to the firehouse, one firefighter came to me and he said, ‘You know, yesterday you had one brother. Today, you have fifty.'” (Jules Naudet, 9/11)

On 11 September 2001 I had a lie-in. I was moving to Edinburgh in a matter of days and was enjoying all my home comforts for as long as I possibly could, and that included my comfy bed. I woke up to my dad standing over me, trying to nudge me awake. “Chris,” he said urgently, “come on downstairs and see the telly. Two planes have flown into the World Trade Center”. Then he ran downstairs to keep watching. As I sat up and rubbed my eyes, I have to confess I thought to myself: “What the hell is the World Trade Center?”

Some of the early scenes feature ominous shots like this one

It was a thought that, with ten years of history behind it, seems like the stupidest thing any human being could ever muster in their mind. But I was a naive 18-year-old back then and, having never been to New York or been interested in the world of finance, I had no reason to have been familiar with the Twin Towers. Still, my dad seemed interested in it for some reason, and he’d never woken me up to see the news before, so I stumbled downstairs to see what the big deal was. And then, like the rest of the world, I sat dumbstruck in front of the television for the rest of the day.

I feel I should defend my decision to review 9/11 on this site. Given my usual tongue-in-cheek review style, the site’s heavy focus on cult and horror films and the slew of cheesy schlock posters decorating the site’s edges – not to mention the site’s name – it may seem incredibly disrespectful to review such a serious documentary, one about an atrocious terrorist attack in which almost 3000 people died.

This footage was one of the only shots of the first plane crash

I have three reasons for reviewing 9/11 today. Firstly, as I write this it’s 11 September 2011, ten years to the day after the original attacks. Secondly, despite the quirky nature of most of the films I review, That Was A Bit Mental has a pretty wide-ranging criteria for films that qualify for inclusion in the site. Quite simply, any film that features something out of the ordinary is considered for TWABM, and to say the events of 9/11 were ‘out of the ordinary’ is perhaps the ultimate understatement. Finally, 9/11 is a fantastic documentary and the one that best illustrates the atrocities committed that day by far.

Originally, this was a documentary about firefighting. French brothers Jules and Gedeon Naudet wanted to make a film following a rookie fireman as he joins a New York fire department and learns the ropes, tackles his first fire and the like. To be fair, from the first ten or fifteen minutes of footage (which take place in the months preceding September 11) it looked like it was going to be a fairly shit documentary.

The footage inside the WTC is unsettling

The rookie they were following, Tony, was a “white cloud” – a term used for firefighters who never get big fires while they’re on duty. Every time Tony was working, the fires weren’t happening. As one of the Naudets says, they had a good film about cooking – much of the footage involved the firefighters making dinner at the station – but a pretty bad one about firefighting. And then September 11 came.

That morning, the department got a report of a suspected gas leak – a fairly straightforward incident with no real danger. One of the brothers went with a small group to practice his filming while they checked it out, and while he filmed them he heard a noise above him. Pointing the camera upward, he unwittingly became one of the only people in the world to catch footage of the first plane hitting the World Trade Center.

The brother in the streets was even closer than this when the first building collapsed

What follows is a remarkable take on the events of that day, split into two stories. One follows the aforementioned brother as he follows the small team of firefighters to the WTC (they were the first team to arrive there that day), showing remarkable footage from inside the tower as the emergency services try to plan an unplannable rescue. The other follows the other brother who, upon hearing the news of the first attack, goes out onto the streets to document the mood there and ends up getting caught among the carnage as the towers collapse.

The only thing I don’t like about 9/11 is the talking head sections, where the firefighters chat about what happened. One firefighter in particular, James Hanlon (who used to be an actor before joining the FDNY), doesn’t come across as sincere and his ‘interview’ sections are clearly pre-written, dramatic statements that seem a little showy and don’t really suit the honest, raw tone of the rest of the film.

Hanlon’s ill-suited showboating aside, 9/11 is immensely powerful. Look, I don’t usually advocate this sort of thing, but here’s a link to the whole bloody thing. The DVD is out of print now, and buying it second-hand won’t raise money for the 9/11 charities like it did when it was originally on sale nine years ago. So here’s the whole thing. It’s an hour and 45 minutes long. Just watch it. It does a much better job of explaining the feelings of 9/11 in that time than I, or anyone else, could ever hope to in a million words of text.