People search for the oddest things – Part 2

If you haven’t read the first part of this before you can find it right here, but in essence here’s what it was about – WordPress keeps track of the things people search for to find my site, so in the first part I listed some of the oddest things people searched for to somehow end up being directed here.

That was around three and a half months ago however, and I’ve had plenty more visitors through odd searches since then. I thought I’d use this post to list some of the newer ones.

First of all, in case you’re curious, these are the ten search results that directed most people to the site:

Someone searched for "woman being eaten by snake" to get here. Oh you guyzzzz

1. the langoliers
2. children of the corn
3. mega python vs gatoroid
4. the exorcist
5. malachai
6. dinoshark
7. that was a bit mental
8. jaws 2
9. hell comes to frogtown
10. planet of the apes 1968

What do these results tell me? Mainly that the two Stephen King films I’ve reviewed on this site are the two that far and away get the most people coming here, but also that people fucking love killer animal movies. If I was ever to review Pet Sematary I think the internet would explode… so expect that one soon.

Anyway, you’re not here to see that. You’re here to see what sort of weird shit people search for. Here, then, are just some of the searches that genuinely directed people to this site.

sex with ape
While I have perhaps more ape movie reviews than I should what with Planet Of The Apes, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and Night Of The Bloody Apes, I’m fairly certain that I’ll never get to the point that I’m discussing the concept of coitus with such a beast. If you’re one of the three people who searched for “sex with ape” and ended up here then, I can only apologise for the disappointment.

violated by the woods
This is no doubt related to my review of The Evil Dead, in which Ellen Sandweiss is infamously sexually assaulted by a tree (trust me, it’s more tasteful than it sounds) but I like the professional language used here, as if it were a court case.

children playing alone
Woah, steady on now. I know there’s some weird stuff on this site but that’s just creepy. If you’re searching for children playing alone and you’ve ended up here, I’m glad to have distracted you from whatever it is you were really looking for.

jennifer tilly tits
Straight to the point, I like that. You’re not the sort of guy who fucks around. I’m afraid I don’t have such imagery on here, but no doubt my in-depth critique of Ms Tilly’s acting Bride Of Chucky and Seed Of Chucky reviews will be far more satisfying than the carnal delights you seek.

can worry dolls come alive
This doubtless relates to Dangerous Worry Dolls, in which a female prisoner prays to some dolls which then climb inside her face and appear on her forehead. I’m no expert on worry dolls, but I’m fairly certain the answer to your enquiry is “no”. Glad to be of belated assistance.

movies about mutated sharks
People have very specific tastes on this here world wide web, so I’m happy that my reviews of films like Dinoshark and Sharktopus can help this gentleman out.

woman eaten by snake
Oh. Oh dear. Thankfully I don’t really have anything like that on here, except maybe for my review of A Nightmare On Elm Street 3 in which a giant Freddy Krueger snake sort of gums Patricia Arquette up to the waist then spits her out.

big snake in cage and children movie
Ah yes, the old “big snake in cage and children” genre. I’ve yet to review any of these much-loved films, partly because I’ve yet to gauge the general interest in them but mainly because I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.

did a midget play chucky
Yes, sometimes.

fucking asian girl
I don’t know if this was someone who was looking for porn and ended up here by mistake, or someone who was wronged by an Asian girl and was ranting about her to Google because they thought there was a real person working it.

exorcist prodigy wayans brothers
That’s quite the odd collection of words there, especially when it’s a lot easier to just say Scary Movie 2 and be done with it. That’d be like me going to Blockbuster and saying “excuse me kind sir, do you have any copies of Jedi Pod Race Ewan McGregor? It had better be more enjoyable than the last film I watched, Stabby Guy Film Set Neve Campbell“.

dildo man
I’m afraid I don’t have anything here that meets your needs kind sir, but I’ll be damned if that’s not a film I really want to see.

evil mother fucking clowns
I thought it was generally understood that if you put a space in the middle of “motherfucking” it no longer becomes a swear word and actually becomes a descriptive term. In which case, it would appear Krusty got lucky. But who’s evil then? Is it the clowns or the mother?

why was it worst to be the middle part of the human centipede
I know many people should think the answer to this goes without saying, especially if you’ve read my Human Centipede review in which I explain this in unnecessary depth, but to be brief (move on in you’re squeamish), being in the middle is the worst of both worlds because you’re eating the front person’s poo while living with the guilt knowing that the back person is eating yours. I wish they taught this sort of stuff in Biology, it’s important.

most scariest filled with atmosphere of dread film ever
If I ever get another movie quote on the back of a DVD case, I want it to be that. “This is the most scariest filled with atmosphere of dread film ever” –

child shitting
Well, I’m not going to touch this one. Let’s move on.

ape erection
Again with the apes! What is wrong with you people? Jesus Christ.

vanessa feltz sex tape
This was obviously triggered by my joke about a Vanessa Feltz sex tape in my review of Ringu, but I’m disturbed that anyone would actually want to search for this in the first place.

gingerdead dick
I couldn’t think of anything worse than watching The Gingerdead Man again, but now I’ve decided that discussing his penis probably claims that throne.

is it possible to see real paranormal spirits if you’re wearing 3d glasses
Wow. Just wow. That’s quite the question.

animals that have mutated because of man
I love how specific this is, and I also love that this is clearly a search by some sort of animal activist who’s looking to find some horrible examples of mankind’s treatment of nature but instead ended up being directed to my review of Mega Python Vs Gatoroid.

Finally, here’s my favourite of the bunch:

what happens to the person’s genitals when transforming into a werewolf
You, good sir, have asked the ultimate question. Answers in the comments please.

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