If you’re like me you’re morbidly curious every time Celebrity Big Brother comes around. It’s the lowest of the low but, just like an old person slipping on the snow and breaking a leg, you can’t help but stop there and wince before getting on with your life.
With that in mind I’ve decided to revive one of the most popular articles on That Was A Bit Mental, the Celebrity Big Brother opening show liveblog.
From 9pm tonight (which at the time of writing is just under an hour away) I’ll be giving you commentary on the show, discussing each celebrity housemate as they’re revealed and, inevitably, admitting I don’t have the faintest fucking clue who they are.
Sadly, I don’t have fancy auto-updating abilities and can’t sort them out at such short notice so you’ll have to make do with refreshing the page to get new comments.
I hope you’ll join me for Celebrity Big Brother 2014, so we can ‘enjoy’ discovering this year’s batch of E-listers together.
- There are less then ten minutes to go until the 2014 edition of Celebrity Big Brother begins. Am I excited? Well, let’s just say… no. Still, I’m curious to see which ‘celebrities’ are entering the house this year, and which of them are indeed celebrities.
- Based on previous editions I’m predicting at least one prick from The Only Way Is Essex, at least one knob from Made In Chelsea, at least two supermodels, at least one American actor who’s fallen on hard times and at least one old slapper.
- And we’re off! Emma Willis is the host. If I’m being honest I don’t really know who she is. I’m assuming she’s the Channel 5 version of Davina.
- Emma starts showing us the Big Brother house. It’s an open-plan room with fake marble and a big staircase designed for upskirt shots.
- She goes out to the garden. “I know it looks different, but it seems very different.” It’s different then.
- There’s also a ‘jail’. Emma makes a big deal out of the fact the jail now has a toilet in it. I’m assuming that’s to prevent potential dirty protests, which is a shame. There’s nothing that says ‘ratings’ more than Bobby Davro wiping his shite on the ceiling.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER ONE – JIM DAVIDSON. Because all the best shows start with a racist.
- Jim comes out to Notorious by Duran Duran. Which is the same song that plays in Donnie Darko while Donnie burns down a paedophile’s house. Appropriate given that he’s already admitted he wasn’t in Big Brother last year because he was being questioned by Operation Yewtree.
- Apparently Jim isn’t going to be going in alone. We’ll see why after the ad break.
- While the ad break is on I’d like to be very shameless and ask you to share this liveblog on Twitter, Facebook and Google+ (if you’re one of the seven people who use that) if you enjoy it. The more people read it, the more I’ll do in the future.
- And we’re back to Celebrity Big Brother. So, Jim isn’t going to be going into the house alone. Here comes the second housemate.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER TWO – LINDA NOLAN. One of the Nolan Sisters. I don’t think she counts as an old slapper so my prediction’s still off.
- “I don’t like people who think because they take their clothes off they’re a celebrity. I don’t like chauvinist pigs. I had Jim Davidson thrown out of the club once”. Oh dear. This should be an interesting coincidence and not at all prearranged.
- “I don’t like injustice”, she says. Here’s hoping Robert Mugabe isn’t in the house.
- So, apparently the celebrities are entering the house in pairs. So Linda (the woman who hates Jim Davidson) is being paired up with Jim Davidson.
- They’re going to be handcuffed together. Takes you back to the Operation Yewtree days, eh Jim?
- They’ve both been sent to the diary room, where they’re told everyone will sleep in pairs and live in pairs. It’s basically Battle Royale II.
- Since they’re the first pair in the house, they’ll get to choose one pair to be unshackled once all the guests are in the house. They can also choose to unshackle themselves. Guess what’ll happen later.
- So if all the pairs are going to be ‘odd couples’ does that mean the inevitable Made In Chelsea one will be with the inevitable TOWIE one?
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER THREE – DAPPY. It’s yer man from N-Dubz. So it wasn’t enough to have a homophobic racist in the house, we also have to have someone who made aggressive threats to a woman via text. Lovely!
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER FOUR – LIZ JONES. She’s a fashion columnist for the Daily Mail. Speaking of fashion, she’s so far up her own arse her ribcage doubles as a necklace.
- Loads of boos for Liz. She’s “hoping Rihanna isn’t in the house”. Obviously she hasn’t seen Big Brother before. She also says she “likes her own space”, so I’m sure she’ll love being handcuffed to Dappy.
- Apparently Liz “prefers animals to people”. She’ll be alright with Dappy then. Though he’s trying to be on his best behaviour for now, being very apologetic to her for being chained to her.
- We’ve got another ad break. With that in mind I’m going to be shameless yet again. If you’re new to That Was A Bit Mental, this is usually the home of reviews of odd and offbeat films written with a similar mixture of sarcasm and atrocious jokes. If you’re interested in reading more, my first eBook – That Was A Bit Mental Volume 1 – features the first 100 reviews and is currently on sale at the low price of £1.02. If you’re interested in 350 pages of goodness, you can buy it here.
- Back to the show. HOUSEMATE NUMBER FIVE – SAM FAIERS. Well, you can tick off your The Only Way Is Essex square on your bingo card.
- I’ve never seen TOWIE so I don’t know if she’s a nice person. But everyone’s cheering her so she must be alright. Let’s see who she’s joined to – bet it’s a Made In Chelsea numpty.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER SIX – JASMINE WALTZ. Apparently she’s a model and actress. In other words, she’s just a model. She’s meant to be a “homewrecker” who punched Lindsay Lohan.
- As she gets booed down the walkway, I ask myself if she’s really a celebrity. Put it this way – she isn’t on Wikipedia.
- As for her claim that she’s an actress? Apparently IMDb says she’s “known for” Poker Run, Demon and Pledge This. So… nope.
- Emma says Jasmine and Sam “seem to be getting along famously already”. That’s dangerous. I can’t swim so I might drown in the irony.
- Another break. I reckon we’re about halfway. So far I couldn’t give a quarter of a fuck about any of them, though Sam seems nice enough. Too bad she’s chained to the least famous person in the house.
- Put it this way – I’ve got nearly 3,000 followers on Twitter for doing very little. Jasmine Waltz has 12,000 or so. So she’s only four times as popular as me, and I’m almost literally nobody.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER SEVEN – LEE RYAN. Isn’t he the bankrupt one from Blue?
- “I don’t expect everyone to like me. If you don’t, that’s fine. Just join the queue.” And no, you can’t skip ahead of me, I’ve been standing here for years.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER EIGHT – CASEY BATCHELOR. All together now – “WHO ARE YA, WHO ARE YA”.
- “I’ve been in Nuts, Zoo, Loaded… shall I just get them out?” Close, missus – you can just get out.
- So she’s going to be handcuffed to Lee Ryan. If Poundland sold pornos…
- We still haven’t seen any washed up American actors yet. And no, I’m not counting Jasmine because you have to actually make it before you can be washed up.
- “After the break we’re going to be seeing some more famous faces”. Famous faces? Ah, so that must be the twist.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER NINE – OLLIE LOCKE. And there’s your token Made In Chelsea twat. For fuck’s sake Channel 5, if there was ever a single shred of originality in your boardroom you’d be in danger of actually creating a watercooler moment one day.
- I don’t know who this guy is but I hate him immediately. Made in Chelsea, Floundered On Channel 5, Finished in 2014.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER TEN – LIONEL BLAIR. Oh, fuck me. And to rub it in they show footage of him dancing with Sammy Davis Jr. Just to say: “Look at what you used to be. You used to be a legend. And now you’re on this pish.”
- You’re better than this, Lionel. The irony is he’s been in the Big Brother house before… in the Christmas special episode of Extras. The point of which was to take the piss out of this sort of show. Life imitating art. Depressing.
- My lovely chum Emma has informed me that Lee Ryan is the only one in Blue who didn’t go bankrupt. So this leads to the inevitable question: why the fuck did he agree to this?
- Genuinely depressed Lionel Blair is on this. I love him. 😦
- I reckon there are only two people left, if they’re going by the usual ‘twelve housemates’ rule.
- Another ad break, then. Hope you’re enjoying the liveblog. Please do share it if you are. It’s doing surprisingly well in terms of hits, and I greatly appreciate it.
- Back for two more housemates! Let’s see who the (presumably) final two wasters are.
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER ELEVEN – LOUISA ZISSMAN. Apparently she was the runner-up in this year’s Apprentice. So now finishing second in a trumped-up job interview makes you a celebrity too.
- That’s Zissman, as in “who ze fuck is Ziss, man? I’ve never heard of her.”
- HOUSEMATE NUMBER TWELVE – EVANDER HOLYFIELD. WHAT IN THE REALM OF ENTIRE FUCKERY is he doing on it? This man made MILLIONS and now he’s on this gash? Unbelievable.
- “I ain’t going to hit nobody in the house because I don’t hit nobody for free.” Um, to be fair mate, if you’re agreeing to come onto Celebrity Big Brother, you’re clearly not in a position to be negotiating big payments.
- “He’s already walked into my little ring and he’s trash talking,” says Emma. Care to rephrase that?
- I hope he recognises Jim Davidson, says “you’re the racist one” and punches his fucking head off.
- Evander walks into the house with a bemused expression on his face which just screams “who the fuck are any of you”.
- There are so many annoying voices in there that by the end of the night he’ll be wishing Tyson had bitten both his ears off.
- And that’s everyone. Well, my prediction was incredibly close. I said “at least one prick from The Only Way Is Essex” (Sam), “at least one knob from Made In Chelsea” (Ollie), “at least two supermodels” (Casey and Jasmine) and “at least one old slapper” (Linda). The only one I got wrong was “at least one American actor who’s fallen on hard times” – if only I hadn’t said “actor” I’d have nailed that too with Holyfield.
- My chum Emma’s also informed me that Lee Ryan once had a child with one of his stalkers and called it Rain Ryan. As you do.
- Finally, Jim and Linda have decided to unshackle Dappy and Liz. Which is nice.
Well, that’s the end of my liveblog. There are still fifteen minutes to go but I really can’t stomach any more. The excitement for me was seeing who would be introduced, and now we know.
A massive thanks to everyone who read my liveblog and shared it. I’m happy to report that I’ve received more hits today than on any other day in That Was A Bit Mental’s history and it’s all thanks to you. I’ll be doing more of these in the future for similar shows, but until then please do keep checking the site for film reviews.
Enormous thanks again. You’re all legends.