Love it or hate it, Celebrity Big Brother is something that could very much be considered a bit mental. So since I’m at a loose end tonight, here’s my liveblog of the first episode, in which each of the “celebrities” were announced, along with my reactions as they happened.

– Oh good, they’ve got Brian Dowling on it again. He’s definitely not annoying. Just to clarify, I don’t know a single thing about the housemates being announced tonight, but I’m guessing at least one is from Essex and another will be a former sports star of a Frank Bruno-esque nature.
– They’ve transformed the house into an alpine ski lodge. So that rules out Stephen Hawking.

– HOUSEMATE 1 – NATALIE CASSIDY – Ah, it’s that munter off Eastenders. She’s  slimmed down a bit eh? She’s still got that big Tommy Cooper chin though.
– She looks like Celine Dion after a stroke.
– According to the voiceover she was in The Vagina Monologues. Sounds like the sort of horrific thing I’d usually review on here. “CHECK OUT MY PREDATOR’S FACE INNIT GEEZER”
– She’s walking about the house on her own. “I didn’t really be the first one in, babes” she says. I hate her already.
– Big Brother’s called her in and given her an earpiece. They’re going to feed her instructions so she can annoy the fuck out of people. To be fair, I think Channel 5 could have saved a few bob by not bothering with the earpiece.
– Apparently if she fails, some people won’t get their suitcases. That’s a bit unfair, dumping that on her. At least last year Kerry Katona unwittingly volunteered to be the first “hated bastard” in the house, when Big Brother asked someone to go to the Diary Room and she leapt in like the desperate fame-hungry vulture she is.

– Advert break number one. I bloody love adverts, me.

– HOUSEMATE 2 – MICHAEL MADSEN – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Why is the legendary star of Reservoir Dogs and Kill Bill stuck in this shite?
– This is just a shame. I could understand Tara Reid being in it last year because she couldn’t act her way out of a ballsack, but Michael Madsen is a proper legend and he’s relegated to this.
– Awkward conversation with Brian Dowling. “What are you expecting from your Big Brother experience?” “Absolutely nothing.” Well, at least he’s been briefed.
– I’m quickly seeing why he’s dropped down to this level. Awkward as fuck. He looks like he might be on some sort of medication.
– All those Mayans checking off the signs of the apocalyse, there’s number one on your bingo card – Natalie Cassidy telling Michael Madsen she loved him in Free Willy.
– He’s being really intimidating, and Big Brother keeps giving Natalie embarrassing lines to say to her. If tomorrow night’s show doesn’t end with a message for a domestic violence helpline I’ll be very surprised. He’s a scary chap.
– He’s definitely on some sort of narcotics.

– HOUSEMATE 3 – ANDREW STONE – I’ve never heard of this guy. Apparently he was a dancer on some sort of reality show?
– Jesus, Michael Madsen is going to rip this guy’s arse apart. Add your own punchline.
– “What can the CBB viewers expect from you this year?” “The unexpected.” I expected he’d say that.
– “It’s an experience I don’t think anyone’s experienced before”. Except for the 100+ contestants who have been on previous Big Brothers.
– I hope Big Brother gets Natalie to tell him she loved him in Queer As Folk.
– I can’t decide if Madsen is going to hate Natalie more because she’s a woman, or Andrew because he’s effeminate.

– Advert time. That’s three down, and I’m backing Michael Madsen so far.
– Little request – if you’re enjoying this, please link to it on your Facebook and Twitter. Share the love, and if this does well enough I’ll do more in the future. It’s a new experiment for me so I’m curious to see how well it does.
– I’m still shocked they put Michael Madsen in here. He must have debt or something. Anyway, we’re back.

– HOUSEMATE(S) 4 – CHRISTINA AND CLARISSA SHANNON – Two Playboy playmates who used to be Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. Jesus Christ.
– This is probably a good time to say I can’t promise this liveblog won’t occasionally slip in some outrageous comments.
– I apologise for being a warm-blooded male, and I’m sure my fiancee will kill me for this, but I hope they stay in it for a while. The last time I saw four legs like that there was a snooker table on top of them.
– “Do you think Hugh Hefner is watching tonight?” I doubt it. He’s probably rinsing out [some text missing].
– Bet Natalie instantly hates them because they don’t have chins like Hulk Hogan’s daughter.

– HOUSEMATE 5 – FRANKIE COCOZZA – Oh just FUCK RIGHT OFF.
– For the uninitated, I hated this little prick ever since he auditioned for The X Factor. Then he demonstrated his lack of singing ability, did cocaine, got booted off and is now on here.
– I hope he tries it on with the twins and Michael Madsen punches his little bastard prick face in.
– I hope he gets voted off first and is never seen again. He’s everything that’s wrong with this world. He’s a skidmark on society’s undercarriage and he should be wiped off it.
– Natalie’s doing well, Big Brother told her to kiss him on the lips and she didn’t vomit right into his evil mouth of sin.

– Another advert break, while I ponder the direction society is going in, and question whether I want to live in a world where vermin like Frankie Cocozza are paid ACTUAL CASH MONEY to sit in a house and talk about how many orificies he’s smashed in.
– I’m still angry. He’s a cretin. I thought Channel 5’s days of paying money to show fannies on the telly were over. Anyway, we’re back.

– HOUSEMATE 6 – GARETH THOMAS – He’s a gay Welsh rugby player. Bet Andrew Stone perks up when he gets into the house.
– I actually had to scroll up there to remember Andrew Stone’s name there. That says a lot.
– I hope they tell Natalie to kiss HIM on the lips. He’d probably like it because he thinks she’s Desperate Dan.
– Apparently he’s broken his nose five times, broken loads of teeth, and smashed his [SOME TEXT MISSING].
– This is dull. I wish I had something to say but it’s just monotonous. They’re just drinking wine.

– HOUSEMATE 7 – NICOLA MCLEAN – She’s a model who apparently had a fight with Natalie. Never heard of her but she looks a bit like Tara Reid after an explosion in a makeup factory.
– Apparently she only showed her husband what she looked like without makeup on after seven years. That explains my previous comment, then.
– She’s had her eyeliner tattooed on, apparently. Classy lady.
– She hugged Natalie as if they were best mates. Somewhere backstage a Channel 5 ratings exec is chucking his clipboard in a bin.
– Just had a thought. I bet Big Brother makes Natalie say something to say. Like “I bet you’ve got a face like a spider’s fanny without your makeup on”.
– And just like that, they’re doing just that. Not telling her to say that, mind. They’ve just told her to say “I’m completely cool with you being in the house with me”.
– They’ve told her to say it again, and a third time. That could have been awkward but fair play to her, she’s taking it in her stride and doing a brilliant job of making it seem natural. Madsen, meanwhile, is completely away with it.

– More ads. Once again, this is my cheap plea to link to this if you’ve enjoyed it. That may seem shameless, but given that I’m watching Big Brother and commenting on it I’d think that goes without saying.
– Here’s some irony for you. I’ve spent year writing 101 film reviews on this site. I do one Big Brother liveblog and it’s already had more hits than any review I’ve ever written. Not as niche, innit. Anyway, back again.

– HOUSEMATE 8 – KIRK NORCROSS – Otherwise known as “some guy from The Only Way Is Essex”. Well, I’d like to take pride in correctly predicting that but it was blatantly obvious one of those prats would end up on it.
– Twice he’s said he wants Kim Kardashian to be in the Big Brother house, thereby exhibiting his lack of realistic logic.
– Still boring. I really wish I was in there instead of some of those idiots. I’d just sit there and talk to Michael Madsen and hear all his film stories.

– HOUSEMATE 9 – GEORGIA SALPA – Apparently she’s an Irish model. Can we just pick people who aren’t models please? Seriously. I know the whole point of putting models in Big Brother is so they can romp about in bikinis, but it’s FUCKING JANUARY.
– She just said she’s got four bikinis with her. Fair enough then.
– Apparently “her boobs are her family heirloom”. Do they have her granny’s ashes in them or something?
– Natalie being told to go and kiss Frankie on the lips again. Nothing like asking a woman to force a sexual advance on a boy ten years her junior. Not that he’d refuse it, mind, being a male slut and all.

– More adverts. This is soul-destroying. While I’m here, I think I’ll pimp my site further since a lot of people reading this seem to be new to TWABM. If you like what you’ve read here and want to read my reviews of films that are a little less than normal, you can find a full index of my 100+ reviews right here.
– I have the feeling Natalie Cassidy is going to win this. Wanky Frankie will be out fairly quickly and, sadly, so will Michael Madsen.

– HOUSEMATE 10 – NATASHA GIGGS – Well. Apparently, this woman is a celebrity because she spread her legs for her husband’s brother, Ryan Giggs. Yes folks, that’s what a celebrity is these days. A slapper.
– “What will you miss the most being in the house for three weeks?” Getting pummelled by her brother-in-law, probably.
– If nothing else, this’ll be fun because Natalie and that other lass hate her.
– Cue Big Brother telling Natalie to say she bloody loves her in 3, 2, 1…
– Nope, maybe not. That was a missed opportunity.

– HOUSEMATE 11 – ROMEO – That knob from So Solid Crew? Sweet lord.
– The only thing solid here will be Gareth Thomas when Romeo enters the room.
– I’ll tell you what, the last housemate needs to be Jimmy Saville’s fucking reanimated corpse to save this line-up.
– I hope after the twelfth one goes in, Big Brother makes Natalie shout at the top of her lungs “I’VE NEVER HEARD OF ANY OF YOU PRICKS. I’VE BARELY EVEN HEARD OF ME”.

– They’re going to the adverts before the twelfth housemate. If it’s not fucking zombie Leslie Nielsen they can bite my banger.
– Here we go for number 12. Cue another useless bastard, no doubt…

– HOUSEMATE 12 – DENISE WELCH – Otherwise known as that old lass from Corrie and Loose Women who’s famous for getting wasted.
– She looks like Julian Clary in drag. So just normal Julian Clary then.
– There she is, wearing a fur coat. The picture of class. I have the feeling she is, as they say in Glasgow, “fur coat and no knickers” though.
– They should get Natalie to say to her “have some wine, you alky”.

– So there you have it. We’ve got Desperate Dan from Eastenders, a Hollywood legend who’s clearly fallen from grace, some gay dancer guy, some gay rugby player guy, Playboy twin models, an Irish model, another model, a So Solid Crew idiot, an old alky, your token TOWIE arsehole, that wee prick Cocozza and a woman solely famous for letting Ryan Giggs float his tadpoles up her funnel. That, dear friends, is Celebrity Big Brother 2012. We are all doomed.

Huge thanks to anyone who read this all, and I hope you enjoyed it. Please spread it around and share it with anyone you think will get a kick out of it, whether they like Big Brother or not. And for what it’s worth, here are my predictions:

WINNER – Natalie Cassidy
BOOED WHEN EVICTED – Frankie Cocozza, old slapper Giggs
POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS – The twins in the hot tub as a dare, Frankie Cocozza and his right hand

Cheers everyone!