That Was A Bit Mental

The Phantom Of The Opera (1989) review

Published on January 14, 2015 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Dwight H Little

Starring: Robert Englund, Jill Schoelen, Alex Hyde-White, Bill Nighy

“I don’t believe in phantoms or legends, Mr Dutton, but I do believe in facts. And the fact is, this man – this creature – is still alive. Still alive and living under your opera.” (Hawkins, The Phantom Of The Opera)

There have officially been ‘oodles’ of retellings of The Phantom Of The Opera over the years (I counted: that’s the exact figure). Is this 1989 offering the best?

Put it this way: is the square root of 12,433 the same as the number of men in a standard football team?

No, is what I’m saying.

This ‘modern’ version of Gaston Leroux’s novel switches Paris for London and tries to turn what’s supposed to be a dark romance into more of a slasher movie, with mixed results. Continue reading “The Phantom Of The Opera (1989) review” →

The Last Exorcism (2010) review

Published on January 13, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Daniel Stamm

Starring: Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell, Iris Bahr, Louis Herthum, Caleb Jones, Tony Bentley

“I’m not comfortable that we’re in a house with someone who’s doing pictures of my head being chopped off.” (Daniel, The Last Exorcism)

In most exorcism movies, a priest has to convince a skeptical parent that their child doesn’t have mental issues and an exorcism ritual is needed to save them.

The Last Exorcism is interesting because it does the complete opposite. Instead, it’s the priest who doesn’t have faith in the ritual and it’s the parent who’s adamant it should take place. Continue reading “The Last Exorcism (2010) review” →

Cavegirl (1985) review

Published on January 12, 2015 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: David Oliver

Starring: Daniel Roebuck, Cynthia Thompson, Darren Young, Saba Moor-Doucette

“Look, you wouldn’t happen to know what century it is, would you? See, I’m lost, and you don’t speak any English, and how would you like to sit on my face?” (Rex, Cavegirl)

Ah, the ’80s. A more innocent time, a time when it was perfectly acceptable to make a movie in which a nerd went back in time and spent the entire length of the film trying to shag a cavegirl.

It’s probably safe to say this sort of shit wouldn’t fly these days, so let’s travel back to a time when neanderthal men thought with their knobs instead of their brains. Yes, I’m still talking about the ’80s. Continue reading “Cavegirl (1985) review” →

Snowpiercer (2013) review

Published on January 11, 2015January 11, 2015 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Bong Joon-ho

Starring: Chris Evans, Song Kang-ho, Tilda Swanton, John Hurt, Jamie Bell, Octavia Spencer, Ewen Bremner

“Order is the barrier that holds back the flood of death. We must all of us on this train of life remain in our allotted station. We must each of us occupy our preordained particular position.

“Would you wear a shoe on your head? Of course you wouldn’t wear a shoe on your head. A shoe doesn’t belong on your head. A shoe belongs on your foot. A hat belongs on your head. I am a hat. You are a shoe. I belong on the head. You belong on the foot. Yes? So it is.” (Mason, Snowpiercer)

If I had a penny for every ‘the end of the world has come and only a small number of survivors remain’ film I’d seen, I’d have about 16p to my name.

Snowpiercer takes that tired plot device, makes things interesting by sticking everyone on a train, then asks “how much would you fucking have now, Chris?”

The answer, of course, is 17p. Regardless, my point is that Snowpiercer puts a new twist on an overused idea and succeeds for the most part. Continue reading “Snowpiercer (2013) review” →

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) review

Published on January 10, 2015January 10, 2015 by Chris Scullion4 Comments

Director: Steve Barron

Starring: Judith Hoag, Elias Koteas, voices of Corey Feldman, Josh Pais, Brian Tochi, Robbie Rist

“Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be without honour.” (Splinter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

First, a disclaimer. I’m an enormous Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan. From the Eastman & Laird comics to the ’80s Fred Wolf cartoons to the Playmates toys to the Konami video games, I couldn’t get enough of the lean green teen fighting machines when I was a sprog. And yes, that included this film (and its two sequels).

However, now that I am 31 it is only fair that I try to review the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with some degree of sensibility and not let my rampant Turtles fanboyism nunchuk its way to the fore. Continue reading “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) review” →

Mental foreign film posters: Poland

Published on January 9, 2015January 9, 2015 by Chris Scullion3 Comments

This is the Polish poster for Jaws. Trust me, it's nowhere near as crazy as the other ones in this article. — This is the Polish poster for Jaws. Trust me, it’s nowhere near as crazy as the other ones in this article

You know, it isn’t just the actual content of movies that qualifies for That Was A Bit Mental.

There’s more to a film than watching it, you see: there’s the trailer, there’s the potential DVD special features and, of course, there’s the poster promoting it.

For the most part American and British posters are relatively dull. Get the main actors, slap photos of them all looking moody on the front, stick the name of the film at the top and print that prick.

In other countries, however, there’s a bit of thought involved. With that in mind, here’s the first of a series of features imaginatively titled ‘mental foreign film posters’, in which I show… look, we both know I don’t need to even finish that sentence.

Since I usually like to start on a high and deliver increasingly disappointing offerings as time goes on, I’m beginning with the country that provides arguably the weirdest films posters of all: Poland. Continue reading “Mental foreign film posters: Poland” →

My Little Eye (2002) review

Published on January 8, 2015August 20, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Marc Evans

Starring: Sean Johnson, Kris Lemche, Stephen O’Reilly, Laura Regan, Jennifer Sky, Bradley Cooper, Nick Mennell, literally nobody else

(holding a gun to the camera) “I know what this means. Fuck you. Do your fucking research, okay, ’cause him doing that to himself was the best thing that ever fucking happened to me. Fuck you.” (Rex, My Little Eye)

Although the whole ‘found footage’ thing has been done to death these days, it’s a little odd that the similar ‘hidden camera’ sub-genre hasn’t been quite as overused.

Both are of course similar – they both give the impression the audience is viewing real-life events through standard video cameras rather than a studio-made movie – but tonally, they can be very different.

My Little Eye, released over a decade ago (I went to see it at the cinema when I was at university: God, I feel old now), is a fine example of ‘hidden camera’ horror and proof that, when done well, it can lead to some effective stuff. Continue reading “My Little Eye (2002) review” →

Pet Sematary II (1992) review

Published on January 7, 2015January 7, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Mary Lambert

Starring: Edward Furlong, Anthony Edwards, Jason McGuire, Clancy Brown, Jared Rushton

“You bury your own.” (Gus, Pet Sematary II)

The original Pet Sematary (disclaimer: one of my favourite horror films ever) revolved around the idea that if something has ceased to be it’s sometimes best to move on and not try to resurrect it.

Mary Lambert’s film showed that any attempt to revive dead children, animals and adults inevitably results in a disturbing aberration that may look similar, but is missing its soul. With Pet Sematary II, she shows how the same rule can apply to ‘dead’ movies too.

The film centers on Jeff Matthews, a young lad played by Edward Furlong, looking like he just stepped off the Terminator 2 set and walked straight in front of the camera.

Jeff’s mum is a big movie star, but a freak electrocution accident on set leads to her ending up a bit less alive than she’d probably like (i.e. not at all) so his dad decides it’s probably best for he and Jeff to leave Hollywood and its bad memories behind them and start a new life elsewhere. Continue reading “Pet Sematary II (1992) review” →

Deadly Friend (1986) review

Published on January 6, 2015January 11, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Matthew Laborteaux, Kristy Swanson, Michael Sharrett, Anne Ramsey, Anne Twomey

“Wait, she’s dead? Hey, what the hell are you doing? You didn’t say anything about a dead body, we were supposed to save her life.” (Tom, Deadly Friend)

I never get tired of saying this, but God bless the 1980s. No other decade could give you a film with a plot that begins with “a boy, his mum and his robot move into a new house” and not have that be the oddest thing about it by the time the credits roll.

Deadly Friend is the work of director Wes Craven, fresh from finding new success with A Nightmare On Elm Street. It’s one of the oddest horror films you’ll see, but that’s perhaps not Craven’s fault. You see, he didn’t want to make a horror film at all. Continue reading “Deadly Friend (1986) review” →

uwantme2killhim? (2013) review

Published on January 5, 2015 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Andrew Douglas

Starring: Jamie Blackley, Toby Regbo, Joanne Froggatt, Jaime Winstone, Liz White, Amy Wren

JanetD47695.gov.uk: HE HAS A GUN. IT’S VITAL WE STOP HIM.
M4RK_87: wot ru saying?
JanetD47695.gov.uk: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING
M4RK_87: no
M4RK_87: i dont.
M4RK_87: u want me 2 kill him? thats wot ur askin me?
JanetD47695.gov.uk: YES.

Not only does uwantme2killhim? have one of the worst titles in the history of film, it’s also got a ridiculous plot involving a lead character whose stupidity leads to some frankly bizarre plot twists.

What’s remarkable, though, is that this isn’t the result of a screenwriter’s failure to come up with a believable plot. In fact, said protagonist was indeed a real person, and the bizarre web of events he finds himself tangled up in did actually happen in real life in Manchester. Continue reading “uwantme2killhim? (2013) review” →