That Was A Bit Mental

Lord Of Illusions (1995) review

Published on January 27, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Clive Barker

Starring: Scott Bakula, Famke Janssen, Kevin J. O’Connor, Daniel Von Bargen, Joel Swetow

“You ever watched a man die? If you watch very closely, you can sometimes see the soul escaping. And if you’re very quick, you can catch it.” (Butterfield, Lord Of Illusions)

Liverpudlian horror author Clive Barker is perhaps best known for the film adaptations of some of his most popular books.

Hellraiser? That was him. Candyman? Yup, him too. Nightbreed? Okay, maybe that one’s not so famous but I’ve already reviewed it so fuck it, I’m mentioning it.

Lord Of Illusions is clearly less famous than other movies based on Barker’s work, but does that necessarily mean it’s any less memorable? Well, yes, frankly. Continue reading “Lord Of Illusions (1995) review” →

Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012) review

Published on January 26, 2015 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Matthew Spradlin

Starring: Cameron Deane Stewart, Marc Donato, Roger Edwards, Augie Duke, Amanda Alch, Ali Faulkner, Judd Nelson, Jeffery Schmidt

Also known as: The Haunting Of Crestview High (UK DVD)

“This is not the fucking feel good ’80s movie of the year where for seven hours we put aside our diffs and through commiserating about our mutually dysfunctional family lives or how lonely or alienated we each feel, we find some sort of common ground and end up as BFFs. Okay? So let us understand there is no ‘us’, there is no ‘we’ because I don’t do ‘we’, I just do me.” (Tricia, Bad Kids Go To Hell)

What do you get when you cross The Breakfast Club with a paranormal thriller? No doubt the film-makers behind Bad Kids Go To Hell would hope their film’s the answer.

But nah.

Instead, what tries to be a cool, edgy horror-themed take on John Hughes’ 80s teen classic is instead an overproduced, annoying film that irritates more than it entertains. Continue reading “Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012) review” →

The Island Of Dr Moreau (1977) review

Published on January 25, 2015January 25, 2015 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Don Taylor

Starring: Michael York, Burt Lancaster, Richard Basehart, Nigel Davenport, Barbara Carrera

MOREAU – “How does a cell become enslaved to a form, to a destiny it can never change? Can we change that destiny?”

ANDREW – “Should we?”

There are plenty of films that deal with the moral dilemma of playing God: whether it’s right to mess around with nature and what have you.

But how many of those films feature a man dressed up as a bear grappling with a real-life lion and diving off a balcony, dragging it to its death with him?

The short answer is “one”. The slightly longer answer is “one, The Island Of Dr Moreau“. Continue reading “The Island Of Dr Moreau (1977) review” →

A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) review

Published on January 23, 2015January 23, 2015 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Stephen Hopkins

Starring: Robert Englund, Lisa Wilcox, Kelly Jo Minter, Danny Hassel, Erika Anderson

AMANDA KRUEGER – “Your birth was a curse on the whole of humanity. I will not allow it to happen again. You brought me back to give you life, but now I must take yours.”

FREDDY – “We’ll see, bitch. We’ll just see.”

I’ll tell you something, that Freddy Krueger lad doesn’t fuck around, does he?

Wes Craven’s original classic A Nightmare On Elm Street was released in 1984, yet by the time 1989 rolled around the series had already reached its fifth film.

Naturally, churning out movies at a rate of nearly one a year can’t be good for the quality of a franchise: not that New Line Cinema cared, of course. Freddy was guaranteed profit.

The process eventually reached a head with film number five, The Dream Child. It offered far more visual spectacle than any other entry before it but, crucially, made far less sense too. Continue reading “A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) review” →

Thinner (1996) review

Published on January 21, 2015 by Chris ScullionLeave a comment

Director: Tom Holland

Starring: Robert John Burke, Joe Mantegna, Michael Constantine, Kari Wuhrer, Lucinda Jenney

“Justice ain’t about bringing back the dead, white man. Justice is about justice. Your friend the policeman, your friend the judge, they make sure nothing happen to you. They keep you safe. But I make sure something happen to them. That justice, white man. Gypsy justice.” (Tadzu Lempke, Thinner)

Here’s a hell of a fact. At the time of writing, there have been a total of 81 films or TV shows based on one of Stephen King’s novels or short stories.

Some are fantastic (The Shining, Pet Sematary, Carrie). Others are The Lawnmower Man.

And then there’s Thinner, which lies somewhere in between. It’s never gone down as a classic Stephen King adaptation, and rightly so, but that doesn’t mean it’s a massive stinker either. Continue reading “Thinner (1996) review” →

Creep (2004) review

Published on January 20, 2015January 21, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Christopher Smith

Starring: Franka Potente, Paul Rattray, Kelly Scott, Sean Harris

“It sounds to me like some vigilante train driver got a wee bit carried away. The way I see it, you should be thanking the man, not running away from him.” (Jimmy, Creep)

The London Underground can be a bit pish sometimes. I’ve lived here for nine years and feel I am qualified to say this.

In fact, I’m writing this review on a Northern Line train just now and there’s an upended Chicken Cottage box on the ground, its delicious greasy goodness spilled all over the floor as an offering to the Tube gods.

But much as it leaves to be desired, it’s fair to say it could still be a hell of a lot worse. I’m talking “home to a hideously deformed hermit who kills passengers” worse.

Just in case you can’t imagine that premise, Creep is helpfully here to show us exactly what it would be like in unflinching detail. Continue reading “Creep (2004) review” →

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013) review

Published on January 19, 2015 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Ed Gass-Donnelly

Starring: Ashley Bell, Julia Garner, Spencer Treat Clark, David Jensen

CHRIS – “Is it true that you’ve never had a boyfriend?”
NELL – “What? Who’s been saying that? It’s none of anyone’s business.
CHRIS – “No, I just… I think you’re really pretty. And…”
NELL – “No. No boys. I was pregnant though. But I think they took it away. Well, at least I thought I was. See, I told you I was nuts.”

In 1999, The Blair Witch Project was released. Masquerading as an unfinished documentary and winning audiences over with its found-footage style camerawork, it was massively succesful.

A year later, the inevitable sequel Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 was released. Gone was the fake documentary gimmick and the first-person viewpoint, replaced with the typical glossy, commercial, high-budget presentation the first film was praised for subverting.

Most people despised the new direction the series had taken, and Blair Witch 2 was roundly panned. I actually quite liked it, but that’s for another time.

Why am I giving you this seemingly pointless history lesson? Because The Last Exorcism Part II is this decade’s Blair Witch 2. This time, however, I agree with the general consensus: it’s shite. Continue reading “The Last Exorcism Part II (2013) review” →

Election (1999) review

Published on January 18, 2015 by Chris Scullion3 Comments

Director: Alexander Payne

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Reese Witherspoon, Chris Klein, Jessica Campbell

“Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with you and ask for things, but now I really must insist that you help me win the election tomorrow because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn’t, as you well know.” (Tracy Flick, Election)

With Reese Witherspoon recently being nominated for a second Academy Award for her performance in Wild, I thought it would be a good time to review my favourite of her films.

Writer/director Alexander Payne is perhaps best known for his Oscar-winning Sideways or his Oscar-nominated Nebraska.

Back when both films were still a twinkle in his eye, though, he wrote and directed Election, a brilliantly sharp satire about classroom politics. Continue reading “Election (1999) review” →

Puppet Master 4 (1993) review

Published on January 17, 2015January 17, 2015 by Chris Scullion1 Comment

Director: Jeff Burr

Starring: Gordon Currie, Chandra West, Ash Adams, Guy Rolfe

“The magic that gives my puppets life was stolen from a tribe of ancient Egyptian sorcerers, who pledged their allegiance to the demon lord Sutek.” (Andre Toulon, Puppet Master 4)

Although Full Moon Pictures had decided by Puppet Master III that its titular terrors were better as protagonists than antagonists, there was still a problem: they still killed humans.

Granted, these humans were evil Nazis, but even so: if only there was a way to have them killing something else rather than people to ensure their moral standards were of the utmost quality.

In fact what if, instead of humans, they could fight other little puppet-sized creatures? Ones that had maybe, I don’t know, been sent to Earth by a demon who looked like a Power Rangers reject?

Enter Puppet Master 4. Continue reading “Puppet Master 4 (1993) review” →

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) review

Published on January 16, 2015January 16, 2015 by Chris Scullion2 Comments

Director: Renny Harlin

Starring: Robert Englund, Lisa Wilcox, Tuesday Knight, Andras Jones, Danny Hassel, Ken Sagoes, Rodney Eastman

“You shouldn’t have buried me. I’m not dead.” (Freddy, A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master)

When A Nightmare On Elm Street 3 was released in 1987, the character of Freddy Krueger truly took off and started to become a household name.

This was partly thanks to his character’s evolution which saw him become more of an anti-hero than an outright villain.

Whereas in the first film he was a strictly sinister creation – a child murderer stalking the dreams of those whose parents killed him – by the third movie Freddy was busting out one-liners and making people scream with laughter rather than terror.

The inevitable fourth film, knocked together in less than a year, continued this trend by offering an even more wisecracking, fun-loving Freddy… with the fright factor taking another knock as a result.

However, as a shameless Nightmare On Elm Street devotee, I’m not fussed in the slightest. Hey, if you want objectivity, visit the BBC. Continue reading “A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988) review” →