Starring: Jason Wiles, Cerina Vincent, Jeff Branson
REAGAN – “So, uh, they say you’re dead. That you were killed.”
MONIKA – “That would appear to be the case.”
It’s said that during the filming of Star Wars, Harrison Ford turned to George Lucas and, frustrated by its flowery script, moaned: “You can type this shit George, but you sure can’t say it.”
The same accusation can be aimed directly at MoniKa, which has some of the least realistic dialogue I’ve heard in a while. It didn’t bother me though, because hokey script aside it’s a decent little film. Continue reading “MoniKa: A Wrong Way To Die (2012) review”→
Starring: Tony Scannell, Graham Cole, PH Moriarty, Anouska Mond, Fliss Watson, Katy Manning
Also known as: The Haunting Of Harry Payne (original title)
“The only thing I need to know from you… is how the hell you kill a dead man.” (Harry, Evil Never Dies)
Here’s an interesting one, a British gangster film with a paranormal twist. I haven’t seen anything like that since Cockney Spook, a movie I just made up in my head.
Evil Never Dies (which until recently was going to be called The Haunting Of Harry Payne, but was changed to a far more generic title in December) tells the story of Harry Payne, an aging mobster who’s just left prison after serving ten years for the murder of his gang boss and best friend. Continue reading “Evil Never Dies (2013) review”→
Starring: Andrew Squires, Michael J Tait, Jen Nelson, James Zakeri
TOM – “You need to go now, Father. You need to walk away.”
JAMES – “I can’t do that, Tom.”
TOM – “Yes you can. You did when we asked for your help. I came to you, I confessed to you. And so did she. And what did you do? Three Hail Marys and a Go Fuck Yourself.”
I don’t think I could be a priest. One of the reasons for this is I haven’t been to a chapel in years (I’m fairly sure one of the requirements is you have to do that every now and then), but another is that I couldn’t be trusted to keep my parishioners’ confessions a secret.
“What’s that? You’ve been fiddlng the dog? Um, say a Hail Mary and… um, hang on… what? No, I’m just texting… someone. It’s unrelated, I promise.” Continue reading “Heretic (2012) review”→
Starring: Billie Piper, Luke Mably, Sam Troughton, Emma Catherwood, Alsou
JENNY – “It’s a spirit clock. My mum had one.”
ADELE – “So what does it do? Horoscopes or something?”
JENNY – “It’s supposed to be a bridge between our world and the next. It’s a load of crap, really.”
True story: as Billie Piper was flying to Romania to film Spirit Trap, she received a call from her agent telling her she’d just landed the part of Rose Tyler, the assistant in BBC’s reboot of Doctor Who.
Excited, Billie turned to her Spirit Trap co-star Sam Troughton to share her good news. “That’s a coincidence,” Sam replied. “Back in the ’60s, my grandfather, Patrick Troughton, played the second Doctor.”
“We just can’t let this affect us that much. If we do that, the terrorists win.” (Daniel, Paranormal Activity 2)
After the success of The Blair Witch Project, the inevitable sequel followed. Rather than sticking with what worked and going with another low-budget handheld camera effort, the filmmakers went with a big $15 million production that felt nothing like the original. It was a moderate success but most fans of the first film hated it (personally, I liked it but that’s for another review). No doubt with this in mind, the makers of Paranormal Activity instead decided if it wasn’t broke they shouldn’t try to fix it, and so Paranormal Activity 2 is more or less the same as the first movie.
"Oh hello son. I appear to have fallen arse over tit. Be a dear, help me up"
Once again we’ve got a couple moving into a new home, and once again we’ve got the whole thing captured on home video cameras (with security cameras chucked into the mix too this time). Once again weird shit starts going down, and once again it seems clear that there’s some sort of demon terrorising them.
Unfortunately, Paranormal Activity 2 seems to lose something that the original had – the sense of intimacy that made it so powerful. Whereas the original film simply consisted of a couple moving in together for the first time, using a single store-bought camera to record the weird goings-on that have started to happen, this time so many new elements are introduced to try and add some variety. Instead though, they just make the situation more complicated. Continue reading “Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) review”→
Top tip for any budding filmmakers out there – if you’re going to set a film in a foreign location, make sure you read up on it first. Otherwise you’ll end up like The Shrine, a film set in the fictional Polish village of Alvania. That’s Poland, as in the country that doesn’t use the letter V in its language. That said, cultural inaccuracies aside, The Shrine is a half-decent horror that starts slow but ultimately ends well.
It tells the story of Carmen, a journalist who’s investigating claims that some tourists are travelling to Europe and going missing, only for their bodies and luggage to turn up in separate European countries. Carmen uses one of the missing persons’ journal to discover that they were last seen in Alvania, so she heads there with her photographer boyfriend and Sara, her intern.
I wonder if you'd be offended watching this film if you were Polish
When they get there they find an odd, dense fog in one section of forest, inside which sits an evil-looking statue. After entering the fog and seeing some weird shit, Carmen and Sara decide it’s time to leave but before the trio can get out of Alvania they’re captured by the locals, who it turns out don’t take too kindly to people who stand in their creepy fog.
To say too much more about The Shrine would be spoiling it, so I won’t. One thing I will say though is that it takes a pretty long time to get going. Once the three are captured things pick up a little and a couple of particularly nasty, gory scenes set the tone (tip – if you’re squeamish about sharp things slicing your heels or poking your eyes, it might be best to look away). Continue reading “The Shrine (2010) review”→
Starring: Naomi Watts, Martin Handerson, Brian Cox, David Dorfman, Daveigh Chase
“My wife was not supposed to have a child.” (Richard Morgan, The Ring)
Legend has it there’s a dodgy video tape doing the rounds, one with no markings on it and no cover. If you watch it you’re presented with a strange series of images and eerie sounds, after which the phone will ring in your house and a child’s voice will inform you that you have seven days to live. Sure enough, one week later, if you don’t figure out the tape’s secret and do what you’re supposed to do, you’ll die a grisly death. If you ask me, these anti-piracy campaigns are getting a little heavy-handed.
She just couldn't bear to switch over to digital, but it was too late
Of course I’m pulling your leg, you cheeky young tyke. I’m instead referring to the cursed tape in The Ring, the American remake of the cult Japanese favourite Ringu. When journalist Rachel’s (Watts) niece watches the tape with her friends and all four die separately at exactly the same time, Rachel decides to investigate and see what’s really going on. By watching the tape first to see if the same thing will happen to her, naturally. Continue reading “The Ring (2002)”→
Starring: voices of Mitchel Musso, Sam Lerner, Spencer Locke, Steve Buscemi
“Are you guys mentally challenged? Because if you are, I’m certified to teach you baseball.” (Jenny, Monster House)
DJ and Chowder have the feeling that not all is right with the creepy house across the road. After its owner, the evil Mr Nebbercracker (Buscemi), has a heart attack and is sent to hospital the house appears to take on a life of its own, terrorising the local residents. But surely there has to be a more logical explanation for this… after all, houses don’t just come to life and eat people, do they? You bet your balls they do.
"You're right, he does look a little bit like a chubby Jamie Oliver"
After witnessing the creepy chateau coming alive and saving a girl called Jenny from its evil clutches DJ, Chowder and their new lady chum decide to work together to put an end to the evil house so the rest of the street will be safe.
Despite being a movie aimed at children, Monster House feels a lot like The Goonies and The Monster Squad in that it appeals to adults too because the children in it are so believable. There’s no “gee whiz mom” lines or “mwa wa waaa” musical stings throughout, this is a film that feels surprisingly realistic despite its use of stylised CGI animation. Continue reading “Monster House (2006)”→
MICAH – “What if we just get this Ouija board and we find out what it wants and then we give it what it wants? Then it’s gone.” PSYCHIC – “Because what it probably wants is Katie.”
You wake up in the middle of the night. In the darkness you can just about make out a black shadow standing at the door. It doesn’t move. It’s just standing there, watching you. You close your eyes but when you open them again the shadow is still there. In a panic, you slowly reach down to the side of your bed, being careful not to take your eye off the shadow, and grab your phone, turning it on. What little illumination it provides is just enough to dimly light the room and reveal… a coat, hanging from the door. Relieved, you lie back down again and close your eyes, but something lingers in your head that maybe, just maybe, the coat was a trick and the real monster is still quietly and invisibly watching over you.
The believable relationship between Katie and Micah helps the film's credibility
If you can relate to this sort of thing and have experienced similar moments before where you’ve nervously studied shapes in the dark to figure out what they are, then Paranormal Activity may quite frankly scare the shite out of you, despite what the “big men” say.
You know the sort of people I mean – the ones who pipe up any time The Exorcist is mentioned, just so they can sound tough and say “Exorcist? Ha, that wasn’t scary at all… in fact, I laughed all the way through it”. Deep down you know that either they’re lying, they didn’t allow themselves to get so emotionally involved with it or, as is increasingly likely these days, they didn’t watch it in the right conditions. And it’s the latter that’s crucially important when watching Paranormal Activity. But more on that later. Continue reading “Paranormal Activity (2007)”→
CHIHIRO – “How did you know my name was Chihiro?” HAKU – “I have known you since you were very small.”
Young Chihiro isn’t happy. Her parents have decided that it’s time to up sticks move house, and she’s upset that she won’t get to see her friends any more. On the way to their new home however, Chihiro’s dad takes a wrong turning and the family come across a mysterious tunnel. On the other side they find what appears to be an abandoned theme park.
Smelling something nice, Chihiro’s dad finds a stall filled with delicious food, which he and Chihiro’s mum start wolfing down. Chihiro wanders off and finds a boy called Haku who warns her to leave before it gets dark, but it’s too late – by the time she gets back to her parents, they’ve turned into pigs. Suddenly the once-abandoned theme park becomes a village filled with spirits and otherworldly creatures. It’s up to Chihiro to find out what’s going on and turn her parents back into humans again.
That awkward moment when a person comes on a train and sits right next to you even though there are free seats
Spirited Away is the twelfth film released by Studio Ghibli, the iconic Japanese animation studio responsible for such delights as My Neighbor Totoro, Princess Mononoke and Howl’s Moving Castle. Studio Ghibli is to Japanese cinema what Disney is to western cinema and Spirited Away is a key example of this, as it’s without a doubt one of the greatest animated movies ever made. Indeed, on the year of its release in the US, it won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature, beating out the likes of Lilo & Stitch and Ice Age. Continue reading “Spirited Away (2001)”→
Director: Steven R Monroe
That Was A Bit Mental 