Night Of The Living Dead (1968)

Director: George Romero

Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea, Karl Hardman

“If you have a gun, shoot ’em in the head. That’s a sure way to kill ’em. If you don’t, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat ’em or burn ’em. They go up pretty easy. ” (Sheriff McClelland, Night Of The Living Dead)

Although the idea of the dead coming back to life had been covered a number of times before the release of Night Of The Living Dead, it was George Romero’s low-budget 1968 flick that essentially laid down the rules of the modern zombie movie and kicked off what is (along with the slasher) easily one of the most oft-produced subgenres in horror.

"That's the last time I buy a tombstone and refuse to pay the £5 home delivery"

It starts with Barbara and her brother Johnny heading to a cemetery in Pittsburgh to visit their mother’s grave. There they’re confronted by a man who stumbles over to them and attacks Johnny, killing him, before chasing Barbara. Managing to escape, she finds solace in a small cottage in the middle of the countryside, but is shortly joined by another chap, a black man called Ben. Soon many other similarly stumbling maniacs join the crazy man outside and a small army of shuffling ne’er-do-wells begins to gather around the cottage.

I don't know, some people just can't spread jam properly

As Barbara and Ben are joined by a few more people who’ve been hiding in the house’s basement, they manage to get the radio and TV working and tune into the emergency news broadcasts. They learn that the dead have started coming to life and are eating the living. Any people they eat in turn become one of these ‘ghouls’ (they’re never actually called zombies at any point during the movie). And thus the modern zombie film is born.

Two things spring to mind while watching Night Of The Living Dead – the first is how surprisingly grim and graphic it is given the era in which it was filmed, and the second is writer/director George Romero’s fairly obvious commentary on how we interact with one another. The former is the most immediate – considering the furore surrounding some of the now-tame taboos broken by Hitchcock’s Psycho (such as the shot looking inside a toilet bowl and the suggestion of a clothed unmarried couple sharing a bed), to have a film only eight years later showing hundreds of mindless ghouls, some completely naked, eating flesh and entrails must have caused outrage at the time. Indeed, many of the scenes that stunned in 1968 still have the power to shock in 2011, in particular one involving a young girl and a trowel.

The KFC in Hull wasn't quite up to the franchise's normally high standards

The latter is more subtle but lingers longer after the credits. Each instalment of Romero’s original Dead trilogy (Night/Dawn/Day) is laced with social commentary, and while it’s laid on thickest in Night’s sequel Dawn Of The Dead there’s still plenty being preached by Romero here. As those in the house discuss their escape plan, it all starts to fall apart as arguments begin and fights break out. It’s clear what Romero’s telling us – even with faced with the bleakest of situations it’s still difficult at times for people to work together harmoniously. In a way, the biggest threat to the human race isn’t the dangers outside, it’s the human race itself and our inability to trust each other.

This point wouldn’t come across nearly as well had it not been for the fantastic cast of unknowns who make up the occupants of the house. They all have their own very clear and distinct personalities and these personalities clash just as you’d expect. In your head you’ll form your opinions quickly, defining each of the characters – the good honest guy, the bastard who deserves to die, the one who means well but deep down you know isn’t strong enough to survive – and it’s a true testament to the cast’s abilities that every single character’s fate is of interest to the viewer.

Good old Ben. Nice to see someone knows what they're doing in this film

You may wonder why I felt the need to mention Ben’s colour earlier in the review. Indeed, you might already have a Word document open, ready to scribe your no-doubt carefully-worded statement accusing me of all sorts of discriminatory shenanigans. The reason Ben’s colour is so important is that Night Of The Living Dead is one of the first mainstream movies that featured a black man as the hero.

Don’t forget, this was nearly 45 years ago, a time when non-whites were very much considered a lesser class and the blaxpoitation boom was still a few years away, so black audiences were barely seeing their colour represented on the big screen at all, let alone in lead roles. As a result, for Night Of The Living Dead to feature a black man as the protagonist in a movie aimed at mainstream audiences was a huge decision at the time, one that nowadays wouldn’t have us batting an eyelid (which, of course, shows the progress we’ve made since).

Then there’s the controversial and powerful ending, with its strong double-meaning barely hiding its racial undertones. Make no mistake, this is more than a mindless monster movie.

Night Of The Living Dead is a true classic, a film that any self-respecting horror fan has to see at least once. It’s aged incredibly well and still packs a punch 45 years later, and Romero’s not-so-subtle social undercurrents should give budding sociologists something to sink their teeth into too.

The Final Conflict (1981)

Director: Graham Baker

Starring: Sam Neill, Rossano Brazzi, Lisa Harrow, Don Gordon

“Your pain on the cross was but a splinter compared to the agony of my father. Cast out of heaven, the fallen angel, banished, reviled. I will drive deeper the thorns into your rancid carcass, you profaner of vices. Cursed Nazarene. Satan, I will avenge thy torment, by destroying the Christ forever.” (Damien, The Final Conflict)

It can’t be denied that Damien Thorn has done well for himself given the circumstances. After being born as the Antichrist and surviving his adopted father’s attempt to murder him in The Omen and later doing the same with his uncle in Omen II, by the start of The Final Conflict the now-adult Damien (Sam Neill) has become CEO of Thorn Industries and the American Ambassador for Great Britain. Not bad for the son of the devil.

"I'm not really the Antichrist. It's just a movie. I did go to Jurassic Park, though"

As you may expect by the film’s title however, shit’s about to go down for Damien, and said faecal matter comes in the form of the Nazarene, the second coming of Christ. Damien figures out that Christ is due to be reborn on 24 March 1982, so he orders one of his disciples to kill all the baby boys born on that date.

Meanwhile, a group of monks have managed to get hold of the seven holy daggers that are to be used to kill the Antichrist, and so they set about trying to kill Damien. In short, things could be going better for D-Tho.

"Yes, my pram's got all the latest features. The only thing it can't survive is car impact but that seems unlikely"

Sam Neill is undoubtedly the star of the show. This is the first Omen movie in which Damien starts fully aware of who he is and what he’s capable of, and at times Neill’s performance is unsettling to say the least. It also helps that his character is a complete prick (it goes with the territory, after all) – he seduces a journalist trying to get close to him, while at the same time turning her young son into one of his disciples and getting him to do errands for him.

Stan realised too late that someone had switched his cocaine with gunpowder

That aside however, The Final Conflict is disappointing. It’s a hell of a slow burner – it’ll be half an hour before anything of note starts to happen – and the scenes clearly intended to be the chilling high points are so sloppily handled that they’re fairly ineffective. A car slamming into a baby’s pram should be a shocking moment, but the film is almost impressive in how dull it manages to make what should be a memorable scene.

Rather than the gripping climax to the Omen series it should be, The Final Conflict is a bit of a damp squib. It’s not a terrible film by any means but it’s so devoid of anything truly gripping or memorable that it’s ultimately a bit of an underwhelming end to an otherwise great trilogy.

Cannibal (2010)

Director: Benjamin Viré

Starring: Nicolas Gob, Helena Coppejans, Eric Godon, Philippe Nahon

“You want to change things? To alter nature? Nobody changes. A prat stays a prat, fat guys stay fat. A whore is a whore, a monster is a monster, whatever the clothes they’re wearing.” (criminal, Cannibal)

Spare a thought for Max (Nicolas Gob). After a nasty past he doesn’t want to think about – but one you can bet will be brought up later in the movie – he’s become an agoraphobic, scared of unfamiliar environments or those where he has no control. Living a loner’s life in a cabin in the woods, Max only rarely leaves, usually to practice his golf. It’s a bit like how Tiger Woods must have been living in the days following the old ‘sinking the ball in two’ scandal.

"Shit. Better check for golf ball marks then get the hell out of here"

One day during his practice Max comes across the body of a young woman (Coppejans) lying in the grass, covered in blood. He takes her home and washes her off, but notices she has no wounds – either someone’s got the painters in or that’s not her blood. Naming the girl Bianca (she doesn’t give her own name), Max develops an odd relationship with her, one in which he falls in love but has issues with her touching him because of his condition.

"Oh dear, it would appear you've caught me with my pants down. And my gums round some poor bugger's neck"

Things get significantly less normal one night when Bianca leaves the house. Upon realising she’s gone missing Max gives chase and finds her having sex with some random bloke shortly before munching into him like he was a big human-shaped apple. Yes, Bianca is a cannibal, and she gets her rocks off by shagging blokes then eating them. Not my cup of tea but then, who am I to judge – I like listening to Cyndi Lauper and watching films about midget spies.

Disgusted but intrigued, Max realises he still loves Bianca, and so the two form an odd unspoken agreement that they’ll have a relationship while she continues to eat people. There are people looking for Bianca though, people who want to bring her back to the life she was running from.

Bianca's suggestion that she pop out for a bite to eat was met with negativity

Despite its name, premise and gory DVD cover, Cannibal isn’t actually the madcap gorefest you may be expecting. It’s actually a very artistically shot French movie that shares far more with the likes of the fantastic Haute Tension (Switchblade Romance) than it does with Zombie Flesh Eaters, Cannibal Holocaust et al.

There are some interesting stylistic choices made throughout the film, in particular with regards to colour. The forest scenes are moody and washed out, the colours deliberately muddy and the film quality deliberately gritty, grainy and decidedly low-budget arthouse. When Max travels to the city later in the movie however everything is shot in black-and-white, causing the once drab colour scheme of the forest to suddenly seem vibrant and full of life when Max has flashbacks.

Max submits his entry for the 2011 Understatement Of The Year contest

If you’re expecting gore by the bucketload here, you’re going to be disappointed. There are only one or two scenes of actual cannibalism in this film and only one of these is grimace-inducing. It’s just not that sort of film, instead focusing on the relationship between Max and Bianca and his search for her after she goes missing in the second act.

Cannibal is a slow-paced, artistic film with curious cinematography and an interesting overall feel to it. As long as you’re not expecting Dawn Of The Dead and are willing to try to click with something less visceral, you may find it to be one of the most rewarding horror films this year. Its ambiguous ending will split opinion when the film is released in late September, but it’s well worth a watch.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
Cannibal will be out on DVD in the UK on 26 September. If you like the sound of it you can pre-order it for £8.99 by clicking here. If you live in the US, there are no plans to release it there yet so you might have to bite the bullet and order it from the UK store too using the same link.

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)

Director: Rupert Wyatt

Starring: James Franco, Andy Serkis, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton

“Ape alone… weak. Apes together… strong.” (Caesar (in sign language), Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes)

It’s always dangerous messing around with the classics. When you take a film as well-loved as Planet Of The Apes and try to give it a modern twist, the results can piss off a lot of people – just ask Tim Burton. As a prequel rather than a remake Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes takes a different approach, albeit one that could still upset a lot of fans if it’s handled badly. Thankfully, they needn’t worry – it’s a fantastic movie that in no way sullies the name of its predecessor.

Ever get the feeling hundreds of angry super-intelligent apes are looking at you?

The film follows Will (Franco), a scientist working on a drug that he believes will cure Alzheimer’s disease by repairing the brain. After trying it on apes, Will finds that the drug does more than simply repair, it improves, making its recipient smarter than they were before they even had the disease.

When one of his test monkeys dies, leaving behind a baby, Will takes the baby home and discovers that its mother’s enhanced brain has passed down genetically to its son. Calling the ape Caesar, Will decides to keep him as a pet and monitor his progress over the years as he gets smarter, learning sign language and essentially acting like a young human boy.

"Don't worry, mate. You weren't that bad in Spider-Man"

To say any more would spoil a movie that you really need to discover for yourself, but that so much of the film is spent following Caesar’s development over the years is a telling sign that Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is more emotional and intelligent than your typical summer blockbuster. You care for this ape, you’re upset for him when things are looking bad and, while we all know the ‘rise’ of the apes will ultimately result in the end of the human race as the dominant species, such is the power of this film that you almost sympathise with our so-called enemy.

The rush hour gridlock brought the worst out of San Francisco's citizens

If ever there was a man who could reignite the debate over actors winning awards for motion capture roles, that man is Andy Serkis. Having previously played such memorable motion capture characters as King Kong and Gollum, Caesar is his most impressive performance yet. Within ten minutes of Will taking Caesar home you forget you’re watching a CGI ape and start to completely believe it – an achievement very few CGI characters manage to accomplish. The scene later on where he reacts to the realisation that Will is leaving him for a while is heartbreaking, and his interactions with other simians later in the film are utterly believable.

If looks could kill, eh? Caesar is one of the greatest CGI characters ever

It’s one scene in particular however that steals the show. I refuse to give it away (you’ll know it because it happens right after the obligatory “damn dirty ape” line), but it sent a chill up my spine I haven’t felt for years. There was such a sharp intake of breath among the audience I watched the film with that if there had been more people in attendance we might have been able to suck the screen off the wall.

I strongly recommend you see Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. You don’t have to have seen the original film to ‘get’ it, it works perfectly well as a standalone movie. Of everything else I’ve seen this year, this one blows it away in terms of sheer emotion alone. And now, as is a fitting way to conclude a review of an incredible film, I end with a poor joke – you’d be (monkey) nuts to miss it. Sorry about that.

Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)

Director: Jason Eisener

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Molly Dunsworth, Brian Downey

“You and me are going on a car ride to hell… and you’re riding shotgun.” (Hobo, Hobo With A Shotgun)

Not since Santa Claus Conquers The Martians has a film’s title so clearly summed up its premise. Hobo With A Shotgun is, when all is said and done, the tale of a hobo armed with a shotgun. And it’s brilliant.

Rutger Hauer plays the aforementioned hobo, a nameless tramp with a shopping trolley who wanders from city to city by catching rides on cargo trains. His journey takes him to Hopetown, a rundown district where murderers, drug dealers and prostitutes are in charge and the police are as bent as a three pound note. After trying to save one hooker from abuse and getting a makeshift tattoo carved into his chest for his troubles, the hobo decides it’s time to clean up Hopetown and take out Drake, the dictatorial leader of the ne’er-do-wells. With a shotgun.

"This isn't Asda. I must have taken a wrong turn at the bread"

It’s a simple plot, and at a whisker over 80 minutes it’s a brief movie, but Hobo With A Shotgun manages to pack in a hell of a lot of action, not to mention controversial and gory moments. If you were trying to play some sort of drinking game where you had to take a shot every time a head, foot, gut or other body part either exploded in a shower of blood or was removed by force, you’d need to have your stomach pumped by the hour mark.

Robb Wells (Trailer Park Boys) has a brief role

It’s clear the film thrives on this too, throwing in ever-increasingly ridiculous set-ups and more contentious moments to really try and provoke a reaction. Three naked women hitting a man with baseball bats as he’s hung upside-down? Check. A woman having her hand shredded in a lawnmower, then using her bony stump to stab someone else? Yup. An entire schoolbus full of cute children set on fire? Incredibly, it’s in there. And yet somehow, despite how shocking this sounds in words, the whole film is so over-the-top and so blatantly set on trying to offend that it actually isn’t that bad. It’s the Evil Dead situation taken to the nth degree – show something so ridiculously over-the-top and do it consistently enough and it’ll eventually become so absurd it evokes humour rather than offence.

Doug took removing spiders from the bathroom a little too seriously

Top marks should go to the legendary Rutger Hauer in the leading role. He manages to get across a character that you’d never want to meet but still feel a great deal of sympathy and admiration for at the same time. Plus he looks cool as fuck with a shotgun.

Many films don’t try to change the world. They don’t want to cure cancer or spread awareness of suffering or make people appreciate their loved ones more. Some films just want to entertain and show the viewer something they’ve never seen before in any other movie. Hobo With A Shotgun does this time and time again, and as a result what it lacks in subtlety it makes up with shocks and laughs by the shopping trolley-load.

Damien: Omen II (1978)

Director: Don Taylor

Starring: William Holden, Jonathan Scott-Taylor, Lance Henriksen

“For such are false apostles. Deceitful workers whom lie and transform themselves to look like real apostles of Christ.” (Corinthians 11:13)

When you’ve already revealed in the original film that the main character is the Antichrist, how do you deliver a similar revelation in the sequel? Simple – make it so the nasty little bugger in question doesn’t know it yet.

That’s the premise in Damien: Omen II, which is set seven years after the events of its predecessor. Now 13 years old and living with his uncle and aunt, Damien has been protected from the past and as such doesn’t know what happened to his mother and father in the events of the first movie. He’s just a normal, cheery boy who happens to be part of the wealthy Thorn family.

"You're laughing now but wait until my dad wrecks the bloody joint"

It’s only when he goes to military camp with his cousin and starts hurting a bully by simply staring at him that Damien begins to notice something out of the ordinary is happening. Others – including his sergeant (the awesome Lance Henriksen) and the vice-president of Thorn Industries – seem to know who Damien really is, and are keen to help him discover his true identity.

Meanwhile, as in the original film, anyone who suspects Damien’s secret and tries to put a stop to it inevitably meet their fate in all manner of horrific ways. Trucks, trains, elevators… they’re all involved in some of the gruesome deaths this time around.

"Alright, who said that? I could have sworn someone said Pumpkinhead was shite"

Indeed, Omen II feels a bit like an attempt to recreate much of what made the original film so memorable. There are the nasty deaths, the doom-and-gloom “he will destroy us all” people who are shunned by Damien’s uncle, the eventual realisation that it’s true and the subsequent attempt to stop him – all of which feel very similar to events in The Omen. There’s even an evil animal in there, though it’s a raven this time instead of the first film’s dogs.

While it doesn’t quite have the same storytelling flair, chilling moments and impressive cast as the original film (Henriksen aside), Omen II is still a decent little film. The acting’s solid enough for the most part – although the young chap playing Damien is irritating for the first 20 minutes – the story moves along at a fair pace and there’s a reasonably satisfying conclusion to the whole thing.

"It's not a shit haircut, it's en evil haircut. Get your facts right mate"

It just feels at times a bit like The Omen Lite, an attempt to replicate the impact of the original but one that cuts out vital ingredients in doing so. There’s no equivalent of the first movie’s mental Mrs Baylock to keep viewers on their toes, there’s no big shock as to the lead character’s secret identity because we already had that shock in the previous film, and – ironically – since the ‘smears on photos predicting deaths’ idea from its predecessor is no longer here, there isn’t actually an omen to speak of either.

That said, it’s still an interesting follow-up to the original film, and one that provides a decent midway point between The Omen and the significantly different The Omen III: The Final Conflict. Just don’t go rushing out to see it if you haven’t seen the original first.

For Y’ur Height Only (1981)

Director: Eddie Nicart

Starring: Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Beth Sandoval

“You’re such a tiny little guy. Very petite, like a potato.” (Irma, For Y’ur Height Only)

Dr Kohler, a scientist responsible for the creation of the deadly N-bomb, has been kidnapped by a group of Filipino henchmen working for the mysterious Mr Giant. A top secret agency sends their finest agent on a mission to find out more, rescue Dr Kohler and put an end to Giant’s crime syndicate. What’s that? It sounds like your standard spy movie? That’s because I neglected to tell you the secret agent in question is a midget.

Look up, Weng Weng! Not that you have much choice, mind

Yes, the hero in For Y’ur Height Only (no, I don’t understand the apostrophe) is Agent 00, played by 2’9” Weng Weng (who still holds the Guinness World Record as the shortest actor in a leading role). Is this cruel? Is it exploiting poor little Weng Weng? Well, if it is, you wouldn’t know it, because the tiny fella seems to be having a whale of a time.

Being such a tiny chap, Agent 00 can infiltrate areas no other agent can, squeezing himself into tight gaps and hiding under tables before springing out and attacking his enemies. And boy, can he attack. Much of the film’s numerous fights scenes consists of Weng Weng kicking various arses, not to mention testicles and heads. They’re as well choreographed as you’d expect a fight with a midget could be, though you’ll find Agent 00’s apparent strength a little hard to swallow at times.

The wee man's deadly with a toothpick, you've got to give him that

The one challenge with an action movie starring a midget is that you’re going to struggle to find a stunt double, so luckily Weng Weng is more than capable of performing his own stunts. It does look like he gets a helping hand at times however – some scenes see him sliding backwards across the floor at speed while firing a gun, a trick no doubt performed by having an off-camera crew member physically launch him across the floor. There’s also one hilarious scene where he leaps on a criminal from the top of a stairwell, clearly achieved by having someone literally chuck him at them.

Of course, if the film wasn’t actually entertaining then For Y’ur Eyes Only’s gimmick would probably get boring eventually. Thankfully this isn’t the case and the film remains amusing throughout. Agent 00 is armed with a huge selection of gadgets and gizmos (presented to him in an absurdly long scene aping the Q scenes in a Bond movie) and uses these devices throughout the film to keep things interesting.

It's a midget on a jetpack. No further comment is necessary

It’s the items Agent 00 receives along the way that lead to the most memorable scenes however, most notably one where he jumps off a block of flats while holding an umbrella (clearly turning into a dummy during the wide shot, smacking its legs off the side of the building as it gracelessly tumbles down) and another where he is given a jetpack. Yes, this film has a midget with a jetpack. Naturally, when I watched this with a primarily Glaswegian audience, one chap was heard to excitedly exclaim “awww fuck offff” during this scene.

The only real negative point of For Y’ur Height Only is the soundtrack. It only has a couple of themes and one of them is an incredibly irritating rendition of the James Bond theme interspersed with screeching trumpets. This is repeated ad nauseum throughout the film and begins to grate by the end.

That’s the only annoying aspect of a hugely entertaining film, however. For Y’ur Height Only may essentially boil down to people laughing at a midget trying to be James Bond, but given that Weng Weng’s clearly having as much fun as the audience then enjoying it without feeling guilty is no tall order (ahem).

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
For Y’ur Height Only is only available on DVD in the US. If you can play Region 1 DVDs you can import it in a double-bill with a dodgy kung-fu film by clicking here. If you live in the US you can buy the DVD by clicking here.

Turkey Shoot (1982)

Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Starring: Steve Railsback, Olivia Hussey, Michael Craig

Also known as: Death Camp Thatcher (UK video), Escape 2000

“Freedom is obedience, obedience is work, work is life.” (Charles Thatcher, Turkey Shoot)

It is the future: the year 1995, to be precise (though everyone still has early 1980s hairdos). After a nondescript country falls under the control of an evil totalitarian regime, correctional camps start springing up across the country to teach deviants how to live ‘properly’ and do what they’re told. This is the harsh reality facing our protagonists in Turkey Shoot. Oh, and there’s a werewolf in there somewhere too for no reason.

Turkey Shoot is an Australian exploitation film that bombed in both its native country and in the US (where it was known as Escape 2000). It was only when it was released in the UK – as Death Camp Thatcher – that it found success, mainly because its new name combined with its story of oppressed people rising up against their leaders struck a chord with the UK public for obvious reasons at the time.

"Take that Tom Baker! Sorry? You're not? Please accept my sincere apologies, sir."

The film follows a small group of camp prisoners, most notably Paul (Steve Railsback) – a pirate radio presenter who was caught broadcasting anti-dictatorship messages – and Chris (Olivia Hussey), a shy shop owner who was captured when a protestor randomly stumbled into her store and the police thought he was conspiring with her. The head of the camp, Charles Thatcher (see what they did there?), fancies a bit of sport and so he picks five prisoners, including our two new chums, and offers them a deal.

The five are allowed to leave the camp and roam the surrounding forestry, but after three hours Thatcher and four of his associates will start hunting them. If they can survive without being caught until sundown, they will be free forever. If the hunters catch them however, they’ll be killed. It’s basically a cross between First Blood and Battle Royale.

I'm not even going to begin to describe what's going on in this picture

To keep things interesting, the five hunters each have their own weaponry and wildly different personalities. One is an upper-class lesbian with a crossbow and a collection of explosive arrows, another roams the forest in a bulldozer alongside his pet werewolf wrestler. Shut up, it’s the future. They can do what they want.

The first half of Turkey Shoot is taken up explaining the camp scenario and generally showing how nasty the camp staff are. It goes on a little too long and the film makes it point long before it decides it has. Thankfully, once the group leave the camp and the hunt begins, the pace starts to get a lot faster and the action a lot more ridiculous, especially when the gore starts flowing.

Some joker had heated up Bob's gun

It may take a while but once the blood starts to spill in Turkey Shoot it does so in numerous inventive ways. Hands are cut off, bodies are split in two at the waist and in one memorable scene a machine gun somehow manages to make a head and body explode into thousands of pieces.

The cast are generally entertaining for their own reasons. Steve Railsback is an intense lead, the chap playing Thatcher chews so much scenery it’s a wonder he hasn’t gained weight by the end of the film and while legend has it that Olivia Hussey was a tricky actress to work with (she refused to do any nude scenes, which explains why she showers with her jumpsuit on), she plays the innocent shy victim role perfectly.

Meanwhile, the film’s soundtrack is a wonder in itself. The score served up by Brian May (no, not that one) is brilliantly ludicrous, with synths and various bizarre sounds adding an extra layer of weird to the already mental goings-on.

Turkey Shoot is schlock but it’s fun schlock. While the hunting scenes in the film’s second half are much more entertaining than the first half’s over-long camp scenes, it’s still compelling viewing throughout and you really do want Paul and Chris to give Thatcher a much-deserved kicking. It’s not a must-have but if you get the opportunity to see it you should.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
If you live in the UK, you can buy the Region 2 DVD here.
If you live in America, you can buy the Region 1 DVD (as Escape 2000) here.

Seed Of Chucky (2004)

Director: Don Mancini

Starring: Jennifer Tilly, Redman, John Waters, voices of Brad Dourif and Billy Boyd

“I’m an Oscar-nominee, for God’s sake. Now look at me, I’m fucking a puppet.” (Jennifer Tilly, Seed Of Chucky)

After Bride Of Chucky took the Child’s Play series and injected a much-needed burst of dark humour to proceedings, it would have been impossible for its successor to go back to pure horror. Sure enough, Seed Of Chucky goes even further down the comedy route, only just stopping short of having the characters throw custard pies at one another.

Seed Of Chucky is set in the ‘real world’, a world in which Chucky is just a doll in some daft horror movies. We’re first introduced to a new doll, Glen (voiced by Billy Boyd). Glen doesn’t know who his parents are – can you see where this is going? – but after seeing an on-set report from the latest Child’s Play movie on TV he notices that he shares the same ‘Made In Japan’ markings Chucky has on his wrist.

So that's the Seed Of Chucky, is it? Oh.

Glen decides to travel to Hollywood to meet Chucky and Tiffany, his apparently Japanese mum and dad. When he gets there he finds that Chucky and Tiffany are just normal dolls, but after a spot of voodoo (ah, that old chestnut) they’re back to their old selves and ready to carve upLos Angeles, but not before trying to figure out how to raise their son. Or is it their daughter?

You see, Chucky wants to raise Glen as a killer so he can go on murderous sprees with his old man in the same way other father/son combos would go fishing or watch sports. Tiffany, meanwhile, is adamant that their child is in fact a girl called Glenda (a nod to the Ed Wood cross-dressing classic Glen Or Glenda). The fact that, being a doll, Glen/da doesn’t have any genitalia doesn’t really solve the argument, so Chucky and Tiffany spend the rest of the film competing for the love (and gender) of their offspring.

Her eyes are up there, Chucky

Killer dolls aside, the real star of the show is Jennifer Tilly, not only providing the voice of Tiffany but also playing a caricaturised version of herself in this ‘real world’. This version of Tilly is a desperate B-list actress who was once respected (Tilly was nominated for an Oscar in real life for her performance in Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway) and is now struggling to get all the good roles because they keep going to the likes of Julia Roberts. Throughout the movie Tilly considers sleeping with a director (played by Wu-Tang Clan legend Redman) to get a part, is frustrated when everyone she meets only remembers her from her lesbian scene in Bound and treats her PA like dirt, without realising that she’s the one writing all her so-called ‘fan mail’.

Well, that's what happens when your dog swallows a grenade

She also sticks the boot into herself a few times while voicing Tiffany, who at first is starstruck by Tilly and then begins to lose respect for her (“no wonder her career’s in trouble”). In one scene Tiffany drags an unconscious Tilly across the floor and declares “jeez, she’s fat” – a line many actors would refuse to say, I’d wager, but one that Tilly is game to deliver with refreshing self-deprecation.

After a series of inventive and gory death scenes (cult movie-making icon John Waters getting acid poured on his face, anyone?), the film falls apart a little in the third act as the novelty factor starts to wear off and Glen’s character (the weakest of the three dolls) comes to the fore. It’s a shame, because the first hour is great fun, but much like a French frog it just doesn’t have legs.

Seed Of Chucky is both the goriest and least serious of the five Chucky movies to date. The fact that the upcoming Child’s Play remake is taking the series back to its deadly serious roots shows that Seed was essentially as far as the comedy approach could go, and this shows near the end of the film as the laughs get stretched further and further. Still, it’s not a terrible film by any means, and should at least keep you entertained for most of its duration.

What scares you?

Yes, this was me at uni. During a Halloween party, I hasten to add.

When I was at university I was the “horror film guy”. My bedroom looked exactly how you would expect a serial killer’s room to look, with reams of horror posters and gory special effects adorning my wall and countless dinky action figures of Freddy, Chucky, Michael Myers, Jason and Leatherface proudly standing above my fireplace. Above my bed was a huge wall-sized poster for the Dawn Of The Dead remake, meaning anyone having a picnic at the nearby meadows could look up and see an evil zombie child glaring at them through my window. Safe to say, had there been a murder nearby and had the police come to my flat to enquire for witnesses, I’d have been bundled into their car without much consideration.

As the “horror film guy”, I’d often be asked for recommendations. I’d learn which of my friends liked which types of horror, and would be able to recommend films based on those tastes. Every now and then though, I’d be asked the unanswerable question: “Which film is the scariest?” Every time I was asked that I’d be unable to reply. I’d stutter and stammer, choose one then change my mind, and ultimately come up with the defeatist answer “it depends”.

One wall of my uni bedroom

It really does depend, though. Different things scare different people. Someone recently told me the remake of Friday The 13th was the scariest thing they had ever seen, while I found the ‘scares’ predictable and poorly timed. Conversely, some of the people I’ve recommended The Eye to have said it didn’t affect them that much, even though I couldn’t sleep for weeks after it.

I decided to write this article after I got feedback from my review of The Omen, in which I said that “despite any suspicions you may have The Omen actually isn’t that scary at all”. One of my good friends Ronan, who knows his horror inside-out, told me he completely disagreed, saying: “The Exorcist is probably the better film, but Omen is definitely scarier. The unease and imminent danger is more scary than a daft lassie flinging herself about.”

The other wall of my uni room

His girlfriend Becca agreed, saying: “Scenes from The Omen creep their way into my consciousness on a regular basis. That’s not an exaggeration – Ronan will vouch for me. Probably one of the scariest films I have ever seen”.

Now, there’s no way I can say I’m right and Ronan and Becca are wrong, because that’s not how horror works. We each have different fears and so horror films affect us all in different ways.

With this in mind, I asked some of my chums and Twitter followers what scares them the most in films, just out of interest to see how wide-ranging people’s fears are. The responses I got can be split into eight different categories, each specifying a different type of fear.

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