Starring: Gerhard Liebmann, Edita Malovcic, Brigitte Kren
Also known as: The Station
“Maybe the legends of wolfmen and mermaids are based on biological realities. Maybe the Egyptian god of the dead, Anubis, really was a human being with a jackal’s head.” (Birte, Blood Glacier)
When the DVD cover of a film has a quote comparing it to a classic, you’d be right to feel a little suspicious. Blood Glacier’s cover, for example, suggests it’s like legendary John Carpenter sci-fi horror film The Thing. And this would have been accurate, had The Thing been deeply average.
Set in the German Alps, the film focuses on a group of researchers working in a tiny lab as they research glacial reduction and how it affects climate change. Obviously this subject matter isn’t exactly likely to pump your nads, which is why Blood Glacier then throws a curveball in the shape of, well, a blood-coloured glacier. Continue reading “Blood Glacier (2013) review”→
I’m a big admirer of John McPhail and his indie film studio, Worrying Drake Productions. Worrying Drake has already released four brilliant short films, the latest of which – Just Say Hi – I wrote a blog about a while back.
Now shit’s getting serious, though. John’s planning his first full-length motion picture, called Where Do We Go From Here, and he needs your help. And if you don’t help him, so fucking help me. I will punch an orphan.
Watch the video below explaining why you should fund Worrying Drake’s latest film, and if you’re interested then pop over to their Indiegogo page and chuck some greenbacks in their direction.
If you’re able to, I recommend at least going for the £25 option because trust me, when (not if) these guys finally make it big, you’ll want to have their short films on DVD so you can be all cool as fuck and say you were into them before they went all Hollywood.
RIPLEY – “There’s a monster in your chest. These guys hijacked your ship, and they sold your cryo tube to this human. And he put an alien inside of you. It’s a really nasty one. And in a few hours it’s gonna burst through your ribcage, and you’re gonna die. Any questions?
PURVIS – “Who are you?”
RIPLEY – “I’m the monster’s mother.”
There are some people who feel writer Joss Whedon can do no wrong. To those people I remove my cap, stare soberly at them and nod my head in the direction of Alien Resurrection, at which point blood streams freely from their eyes as they collapse in a heap, screaming indecipherable slogans of bile and malice.
To be fair, that would maybe be a bit of an overreaction on their behalf, because Alien Resurrection isn’t exactly the worst film ever made. It’s just the worst Alien film ever made. Continue reading “Alien: Resurrection (1997) review”→
Starring: Rhonda Griffin, Justin Lauer, Bill Moynihan, Jon Simanton
“You’re history, you little pervert! No, you’re archaeology, as in old garbage!” (Anna, The Creeps)
Full Moon Pictures is one of my favourite B-movie horror studios. Established in the 1980s, it was well-known among horror fans for its cheesy low-budget efforts.
Some, like Puppet Master and Subspecies, were so popular they went on to spawn their own multi-sequel franchises. Others, like Dollman – in which an intergalactic bounty hunter crashlands on space only to realise he’s ten inches tall – weren’t.
Full Moon continues to this day, and while most of its recent output retains all of the cheese, it leaves out most of the charm. Titles like The Gingerdead Man and Dangerous Worry Dolls sound like they should be superb slices of low-budget larks (well, they do to me at least) but ultimately they end up in the TWABM Hall Of Shame.
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance, Paul McGann, Lance Henriksen, an Alien
“You’re all gonna die, the only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet, or on your fuckin’ knees, begging? I ain’t much for begging. Nobody ever gave me nothing. So I say fuck that thing, let’s fight it.” (Dillon, Alien 3)
WARNING: This article has ending spoilers, so you have been warned. It’s more than two decades old, to be fair.
Imagine you had a decent job. Let’s say you were the manager of something… a plumbing firm, for example. You make good money, and you’re happy with the knowledge that when it comes to managing plumbing firms, you know your onions.
Now imagine you’ve also got two older brothers. One brother is a leading politician – be that the Prime Minister, President, whatever it is in your country. The other brother is one of the greatest footballers in the world and has two World Cup Winner’s medals in his large trophy display room.
If you can’t tell where I’m going with this analogy you might as well close this window and go back to fumbling over Candy Crush Saga. Yes, friends, what I’m saying is that Alien 3 is the plumbing firm manager of the Alien series. Look, just go with it. Continue reading “Alien 3 (1992) review”→
Starring: Jason Wiles, Cerina Vincent, Jeff Branson
REAGAN – “So, uh, they say you’re dead. That you were killed.”
MONIKA – “That would appear to be the case.”
It’s said that during the filming of Star Wars, Harrison Ford turned to George Lucas and, frustrated by its flowery script, moaned: “You can type this shit George, but you sure can’t say it.”
The same accusation can be aimed directly at MoniKa, which has some of the least realistic dialogue I’ve heard in a while. It didn’t bother me though, because hokey script aside it’s a decent little film. Continue reading “MoniKa: A Wrong Way To Die (2012) review”→
Starring: Tony Scannell, Graham Cole, PH Moriarty, Anouska Mond, Fliss Watson, Katy Manning
Also known as: The Haunting Of Harry Payne (original title)
“The only thing I need to know from you… is how the hell you kill a dead man.” (Harry, Evil Never Dies)
Here’s an interesting one, a British gangster film with a paranormal twist. I haven’t seen anything like that since Cockney Spook, a movie I just made up in my head.
Evil Never Dies (which until recently was going to be called The Haunting Of Harry Payne, but was changed to a far more generic title in December) tells the story of Harry Payne, an aging mobster who’s just left prison after serving ten years for the murder of his gang boss and best friend. Continue reading “Evil Never Dies (2013) review”→
“Eat lead, froggies!” (Sam Hell, Hell Comes To Frogtown)
Hell Comes To Frogtown has one of the greatest premises in film history.
It’s set in the future, after a nuclear war has turned America into a sort of Mad Max/Fallout post-apocalyptic wasteland. Due to the radiation, the world’s population is either dead or sterile.
That is, except for a handful of females scattered throughout the land and one man, Sam Hell (wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper).
“So I basically have to go around shagging everyone? That seems a bit… convenient”
Hell is captured by the government and told he has to travel around the country, having sex with as many of the fertile women as he can so he can re-populate the planet.
A big pair of explosive underpants are attached to Hell and he’s told that if he tries to escape they’ll explode. Suprisingly, Sam doesn’t seem too happy with this agreement for some reason.
He’s also none too pleased when he’s told that a group of these nubile, fertile young women are being held prisoner in Frogtown, an area populated by mutants who have evolved into walking, talking frog people, and that he has to head into Frogtown and rescue them.
Al Pacino was looking a little worse for wear
The resulting 85 minutes is a collection of mental scenes. One minute you’re watching Roddy Piper kick the shit out of a giant frog man, the next he’s riding around in a big armoured pink truck, the next his doctor is doing a special dance for the leader of the frogs, who becomes visibly aroused (yes, complete with a noticeable froggy erection). It’s just bizarre.
Credit has to go to the film’s script, however. It’s filled with great one-liners, especially during the back end of the movie, and the over-dramatic ham acting really adds to the dialogue. Here’s one of my favourite scenes as an example:
Hell Comes To Frogtown is crazier than a dolphin filled with cheese, but it’s a good laugh and one you should watch if you’ve got some chums willing to watch.
It’s odd in that it feels like it should be in the “so bad it’s good” camp alongside the likes of Troll 2, even though its production quality is reasonably high.
One thing’s for sure however – after one watch this will definitely blast its way into your top five post-apocalyptic frog mutant films. Check out the trailer below and tell me you’re not interested.
HOW CAN I SEE IT?
Until recently, the only way to get Hell Comes To Frogtown in the UK was to buy the out-of-print DVD which was released as part of Boulevard Entertainment’s B-Movie DVD Collection series.
That all changes on 27 January when Arrow Video release a brilliant dual-format Blu-ray/DVD set featuring a new transfer and loads of extra features.
Arrow’s easily the best label at the moment when it comes to cult and horror releases and I can happily confirm its treatment of Hell Comes To Frogtown is immense. The interview with Roddy Piper in particular is brilliant. I highly recommend you pre-order it here.
As for the US, I’m afraid it’s DVD-only for now. You can buy it standalone here or get it in a double-bill with Def-Con 4 here.
Starring: Andrew Squires, Michael J Tait, Jen Nelson, James Zakeri
TOM – “You need to go now, Father. You need to walk away.”
JAMES – “I can’t do that, Tom.”
TOM – “Yes you can. You did when we asked for your help. I came to you, I confessed to you. And so did she. And what did you do? Three Hail Marys and a Go Fuck Yourself.”
I don’t think I could be a priest. One of the reasons for this is I haven’t been to a chapel in years (I’m fairly sure one of the requirements is you have to do that every now and then), but another is that I couldn’t be trusted to keep my parishioners’ confessions a secret.
“What’s that? You’ve been fiddlng the dog? Um, say a Hail Mary and… um, hang on… what? No, I’m just texting… someone. It’s unrelated, I promise.” Continue reading “Heretic (2012) review”→
Starring: Dominique Swain, Jake Busey, Joshua Allen, Christopher Johnson
Also known as: Bloodstorm (UK DVD)
“Come on, you bobble-headed zombie Nazi son of a bitch! Fick dich!” (Dr Paige Morgan, Nazis At The Center Of The Earth)
I’ve spoken in the past about The Asylum, the delightfully shameless film studio that have no qualms about constantly releasing low-budget rip-offs of popular films to trick confused mothers at video rental stores (Snakes On A Train, Paranormal Entity and Atlantic Rim spring to mind).
With said rental stores on the way out though, The Asylum have instead seemingly switched their focus to original movies, albeit completely ridiculous ones.
Recently they struck gold with Sharknado, the does-what-it-says-on-the-tin film that’s so bonkers it ended up trending on Twitter in the UK when it aired on SyFy. This one, though, may have taken things a little too far. Continue reading “Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012) review”→
Director: Marvin Kren
That Was A Bit Mental 