Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Charles Dutton, Charles Dance, Paul McGann, Lance Henriksen, an Alien
“You’re all gonna die, the only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet, or on your fuckin’ knees, begging? I ain’t much for begging. Nobody ever gave me nothing. So I say fuck that thing, let’s fight it.” (Dillon, Alien 3)
WARNING: This article has ending spoilers, so you have been warned. It’s more than two decades old, to be fair.
Imagine you had a decent job. Let’s say you were the manager of something… a plumbing firm, for example. You make good money, and you’re happy with the knowledge that when it comes to managing plumbing firms, you know your onions.
Now imagine you’ve also got two older brothers. One brother is a leading politician – be that the Prime Minister, President, whatever it is in your country. The other brother is one of the greatest footballers in the world and has two World Cup Winner’s medals in his large trophy display room.
If you can’t tell where I’m going with this analogy you might as well close this window and go back to fumbling over Candy Crush Saga. Yes, friends, what I’m saying is that Alien 3 is the plumbing firm manager of the Alien series. Look, just go with it. Continue reading “Alien 3 (1992) review”→
Starring: Jason Wiles, Cerina Vincent, Jeff Branson
REAGAN – “So, uh, they say you’re dead. That you were killed.”
MONIKA – “That would appear to be the case.”
It’s said that during the filming of Star Wars, Harrison Ford turned to George Lucas and, frustrated by its flowery script, moaned: “You can type this shit George, but you sure can’t say it.”
The same accusation can be aimed directly at MoniKa, which has some of the least realistic dialogue I’ve heard in a while. It didn’t bother me though, because hokey script aside it’s a decent little film. Continue reading “MoniKa: A Wrong Way To Die (2012) review”→
Starring: Tony Scannell, Graham Cole, PH Moriarty, Anouska Mond, Fliss Watson, Katy Manning
Also known as: The Haunting Of Harry Payne (original title)
“The only thing I need to know from you… is how the hell you kill a dead man.” (Harry, Evil Never Dies)
Here’s an interesting one, a British gangster film with a paranormal twist. I haven’t seen anything like that since Cockney Spook, a movie I just made up in my head.
Evil Never Dies (which until recently was going to be called The Haunting Of Harry Payne, but was changed to a far more generic title in December) tells the story of Harry Payne, an aging mobster who’s just left prison after serving ten years for the murder of his gang boss and best friend. Continue reading “Evil Never Dies (2013) review”→
“Eat lead, froggies!” (Sam Hell, Hell Comes To Frogtown)
Hell Comes To Frogtown has one of the greatest premises in film history.
It’s set in the future, after a nuclear war has turned America into a sort of Mad Max/Fallout post-apocalyptic wasteland. Due to the radiation, the world’s population is either dead or sterile.
That is, except for a handful of females scattered throughout the land and one man, Sam Hell (wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper).
“So I basically have to go around shagging everyone? That seems a bit… convenient”
Hell is captured by the government and told he has to travel around the country, having sex with as many of the fertile women as he can so he can re-populate the planet.
A big pair of explosive underpants are attached to Hell and he’s told that if he tries to escape they’ll explode. Suprisingly, Sam doesn’t seem too happy with this agreement for some reason.
He’s also none too pleased when he’s told that a group of these nubile, fertile young women are being held prisoner in Frogtown, an area populated by mutants who have evolved into walking, talking frog people, and that he has to head into Frogtown and rescue them.
Al Pacino was looking a little worse for wear
The resulting 85 minutes is a collection of mental scenes. One minute you’re watching Roddy Piper kick the shit out of a giant frog man, the next he’s riding around in a big armoured pink truck, the next his doctor is doing a special dance for the leader of the frogs, who becomes visibly aroused (yes, complete with a noticeable froggy erection). It’s just bizarre.
Credit has to go to the film’s script, however. It’s filled with great one-liners, especially during the back end of the movie, and the over-dramatic ham acting really adds to the dialogue. Here’s one of my favourite scenes as an example:
Hell Comes To Frogtown is crazier than a dolphin filled with cheese, but it’s a good laugh and one you should watch if you’ve got some chums willing to watch.
It’s odd in that it feels like it should be in the “so bad it’s good” camp alongside the likes of Troll 2, even though its production quality is reasonably high.
One thing’s for sure however – after one watch this will definitely blast its way into your top five post-apocalyptic frog mutant films. Check out the trailer below and tell me you’re not interested.
HOW CAN I SEE IT?
Until recently, the only way to get Hell Comes To Frogtown in the UK was to buy the out-of-print DVD which was released as part of Boulevard Entertainment’s B-Movie DVD Collection series.
That all changes on 27 January when Arrow Video release a brilliant dual-format Blu-ray/DVD set featuring a new transfer and loads of extra features.
Arrow’s easily the best label at the moment when it comes to cult and horror releases and I can happily confirm its treatment of Hell Comes To Frogtown is immense. The interview with Roddy Piper in particular is brilliant. I highly recommend you pre-order it here.
As for the US, I’m afraid it’s DVD-only for now. You can buy it standalone here or get it in a double-bill with Def-Con 4 here.
Starring: Andrew Squires, Michael J Tait, Jen Nelson, James Zakeri
TOM – “You need to go now, Father. You need to walk away.”
JAMES – “I can’t do that, Tom.”
TOM – “Yes you can. You did when we asked for your help. I came to you, I confessed to you. And so did she. And what did you do? Three Hail Marys and a Go Fuck Yourself.”
I don’t think I could be a priest. One of the reasons for this is I haven’t been to a chapel in years (I’m fairly sure one of the requirements is you have to do that every now and then), but another is that I couldn’t be trusted to keep my parishioners’ confessions a secret.
“What’s that? You’ve been fiddlng the dog? Um, say a Hail Mary and… um, hang on… what? No, I’m just texting… someone. It’s unrelated, I promise.” Continue reading “Heretic (2012) review”→
Starring: Dominique Swain, Jake Busey, Joshua Allen, Christopher Johnson
Also known as: Bloodstorm (UK DVD)
“Come on, you bobble-headed zombie Nazi son of a bitch! Fick dich!” (Dr Paige Morgan, Nazis At The Center Of The Earth)
I’ve spoken in the past about The Asylum, the delightfully shameless film studio that have no qualms about constantly releasing low-budget rip-offs of popular films to trick confused mothers at video rental stores (Snakes On A Train, Paranormal Entity and Atlantic Rim spring to mind).
With said rental stores on the way out though, The Asylum have instead seemingly switched their focus to original movies, albeit completely ridiculous ones.
Recently they struck gold with Sharknado, the does-what-it-says-on-the-tin film that’s so bonkers it ended up trending on Twitter in the UK when it aired on SyFy. This one, though, may have taken things a little too far. Continue reading “Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012) review”→
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Brad Loree, Busta Rhymes, Bianca Kajlich, Sean Patrick Thomas, Daisy McCrackin
“Trick or treat, muthafucka.” (Freddie Harris, Halloween: Resurrection)
Miramax achieved the impossible by taking the flatlining Halloween series and resurrecting it with the back-to-basics Halloween H20.
With Michael Myers relevant and scary again, it was therefore inevitable that another Halloween would come, even though it seemed Myers was well and truly dead after the last film.
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, Adam Arkin, LL Cool J, Janet Leigh, Chris Durand
JOHN – It just occurred to me today that I’ve never celebrated Halloween before.
MOLLY – And why’s that?
JOHN – Oh, we’ve got a psychotic serial killer in the family who loves to butcher people on Halloween, and I just thought it in bad taste to celebrate.
After the train wreck that was Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers I’m surprised Dimension Films and Miramax had the gall to bring ol’ paleface back yet again.
Still, bring him back they did, in a film made to mark the 20th anniversary of the original Halloween. And you know something? They actually did a decent job this time.
Starring: Pamela Springsteen, Tracy Griffith, Michael J Pollard, Mark Oliver
CINDY – “Why are you doing this to me?”
ANGELA – “Because you’re a cheerleader, a fornicator, a drug taker, a nasty snotty bigot… and besides that, you’re real nice.”
Here’s some advice. If you’re ever at a pub quiz and one of the questions is “what do Sleepaway Camp and Back To The Future have in common?”, your response should be two sentences.
The first: “That’s a pretty fucking obscure film to be bringing up in a pub quiz, considering the public in general aren’t familiar with the Sleepaway Camp series.”
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Paul Rudd, Marianne Hagan
“Enough of this Michael Myers bullshit!” (John Strode, Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers)
It says a lot about a film when the stories of its behind-the-scenes turmoil and tantrums are more interesting than the story that ended up on the screen.
This was the curious condition inflicted on Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers, the sixth film in the Halloween series. Plagued by in-fighting and studio politics before a single frame was even shot, the conflict continued to escalate throughout production.
It’s said that the original script for the film was so powerful a Dimension exec couldn’t sleep the night after reading it, and Halloween regular Donald Pleasence (who had starred as Dr Sam Loomis in four of the previous five films) loved it too. Continue reading “Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers (1995) review”→
Director: David Fincher
That Was A Bit Mental 