Snakes On A Train (2006) review

Snakes On A Train posterDirector: Peter Mervis

Starring: AJ Castro, Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano, Al Galvez

JULIO – “I respect the old ways and the power of your spells but she needs to see a doctor. Someone who can take an x-ray or a blood test. It could save her life.”

BRUJO – “She has snakes. There is no doctor who will see this.”

This is another film from The Global Asylum, the shameless film “studio” who quickly writes, casts and shoots a cash-in film every time a “proper” popular film is released.

They then stick their shoddy alternative in video shops up and down the country, making their money off dopey sods who think it’s either the actual big-budget film it’s aping or some kind of official spin-off or sequel. And people like me, of course, who watch them because we know they’re rip-offs and are likely to be tremendously bad. Safe to say, Snakes On A Train didn’t disappoint.

Snakes On A Train
“Sir, please put your snakes in the overhead storage compartment. Sir, you’re blocking the aisle. Don’t be an arse, sir.”

I’m going to attempt to relay the plot to you, but forgive me if a few things are lost along the way because it’s truly a bizarre story. Some guy and his girlfriend sneak their way onto a train and hide out in the cargo hold. His girlfriend is extremely ill, because a curse has been put on her, a curse that somehow led to a load of snakes hatching inside her stomach.

Once they get on the train her boyfriend starts the ritual to cure her but things go a bit tits-up and the snakes get loose on the train, meaning its cast of irritating passengers has to start working (mostly) together to sort the situation out.

For the most part Snakes On A Train is silly fun but the performances are generally weak. Some scenes also feel a little out of place, such as the disturbing scene in which a creepy older chap acting as a drug cop blackmails a young teenager into getting her baps out in return for not reporting her drug-smuggling.  Considering the silly tone of the film throughout this scene sticks out like a sore thumb and really shouldn’t have been in there.

Snakes On A Train
Well, that’s what you get when you go with Virgin Trains

Other moments are just glorious silliness. The bright red gore is ridiculous and plentiful, with plenty of hilarious snake-related deaths. You’ve also got to applaud The Global Asylum for breaking a horror taboo and not necessarily ensuring the safety of the only young child on the train.

By far the most memorable moment of Snakes On A Train however is the film’s ending. To give anything away would be scandalous but the CGI here is fantastically bad and everything get so over the top that you’ll just sit there pissing yourself.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend you run out there and buy Snakes On A Train as soon as you can but if you ever see it listed on TV you should at least give it a watch, safe in the knowledge that despite the name’s clear cash-in intentions this is actually an entertaining enough film.

Steady on. Still, if you’re adamant, Snakes On A Train is only available on DVD in the UK – you can get it here. Alternatively, if you have access to the US Netflix library (find out here how to get it from the UK) you can find it there for streaming.

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