Jaws 2 (1978)

Director: Jeannot Szwarc

Starring: Roy Scheider, Lorraine Gray, Mark Gruner

“I’m telling you, and I’m telling everybody at this table that that’s a shark! And I know what a shark looks like, because I’ve seen one up close. And you’d better do something about this one, because I don’t intend to go through that hell again!” (Chief Brody, Jaws 2)

Poor Chief Brody. After dealing with a huge shark in the original Jaws and helping restore Amity Island to some sort of normality, weird things are starting to happen again. Surely there can’t be another shark in Amity? You bet your fins there is.

What made the original Jaws so gripping was the film’s refusal to show the shark until near the end of the movie. Until then you only saw people in the water reacting to attacks, screaming and writhing as the invisible killer underneath them turned the water blood red. It was the classic “what you don’t see is scarier than what you do see” technique and it worked a treat.

Sam was about to be cured of his hiccups

Jaws 2 starts off at a disadvantage, then, because it can’t use the same trick again. Hiding the shark is a pointless exercise because we all know what to expect and can’t be surprised a second time. As a result, it has a slightly different feel to its predecessor – we see a lot more of the shark and it gets involved a lot more this time around. At times it feels more like a slasher movie, a contrast to the original’s tense, slow pace.

Despite this, Jaws 2 is still fairly tame. The story goes that Universal were eager to get the film a PG rating to get as many ticket sales as possible, and so most of the shark attacks either happen off-camera or are cleverly shot so that the fatal bites are obscured by things in the way. This weakens the effect of the attacks and really takes some of the shock factor away.

Dunno about you, but I've got a tenner on the shark for this one

The film also lessens the impact by providing a final act with far too many characters in it. Whereas the first film had only three heroes, giving each enough screen time to let the viewer learn more about them and warm to them, this time the final showdown involves the shark, Brody, a helicopter pilot and around ten kids stranded in their boats. I couldn’t give an eighth of a shit if some kid who had two lines of dialogue gets his leg chomped, I have no idea who he is and it makes no difference to the movie whether he lives or dies.

Jaws 2 isn’t as bad as it could have been. It goes in the direction it should have gone, it just goes about executing it in slightly the wrong way. With too many characters and not enough shock value it’s just a diluted, less effective version of the original.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
Jaws 2 is available in a nifty special edition DVD set with extras, commentaries and the like, and it’s usually under a fiver these days. You can buy the UK version here from Amazon.co.uk, and get the US version here from Amazon.com if you live in America. Other than the region code, both versions are identical.

The Vault Of Horror (1973)

Director: Roy Ward Baker

Starring: Daniel Massey, Terry-Thomas, Curd Jurgens, Michael Craig, Tom Baker

“That’s how it is, and how it always will be. Night after night we have to retell the evil things we did when we were alive. Night after night, for all eternity.” (Sebastian, The Vault Of Horror)

For those unfamiliar with Amicus Productions, it was a British film production company based at Shepperton Studios in Surrey where it was active during the ’60s and ’70s. Amicus specialised in horror films, in particular anthology ones that offered a handful of 20-minute stories instead of one long 90-minute one. The Vault Of Horror is one such anthology, featuring five tales based on stories from the popular EC Comics horror series of the ’40s and ’50s (which included such comics as Tales From The Crypt, Vault Of Horror and Shock SuspenStories). And it’s brilliant.

"I don't know why you're upset dear, I told you I was going out to get hammered tonight"

The film opens with five businessmen going into an elevator which takes them down to a room none of them pressed for. When they enter the room, which looks like a gentlemen’s club, the lift closes behind them, at which point they realise there are no buttons to open it again. They decide to sit at the table in the room and have a chat while they wait for the lift doors to open again.

The men start to share the dreams they’ve been having recently. Coincidentally, each dream tells a story in which each man does something immoral then dies as a result of their actions.

"It wasn't me mate, it was the painting. Listen, I was Doctor Who once, don't mess with me"

Tale one involves a chap called Harold (Massey), who plans on confronting his sister about their father’s inheritance. He takes things a little too far but gets his come-uppance when he heads to a nearby restaurant after his altercation.

Then there’s the story of Gritchit (Terry-Thomas). He’s recently been married to a lovely young lady but he constantly badmouths her for putting his things in the wrong place. We’re talking proper neat freak stuff here, with individual types of screw going in different labelled containers (not counting the ones loose in his head). Eventually wifey is driven to the edge and decides to give Gritchit a taste of his own medicine.

Add your own "farting in a lift" joke here

Next up is Sebastian (Jurgens), a magician travelling the world with his wife in search of the next big trick to confound people with back home. Leaving his wife at a hotel, Sebastian wanders the streets of Egypt where he finds a women in an alleyway. As she plays her flute a long rope raises out of a vase. She then grabs the rigid rope and climbs up it, right to the top. A stunned Sebastian offers to pay her a fortune for the secret but she refuses, so he makes a plan to take it from her in a less than sociable manner. There’s more to the trick than Sebastian realises though, as his wife eventually finds out.

The fourth tale is the weak link in the anthology, with some hokey bullshit about a man (Craig) faking his death to gain insurance money and things not going quite as planned, but thankfully the final tale rounds things off nicely with the clever story of an artist (Baker) who visits a voodoo priest to get revenge on three men who wronged him. After receiving a blessing from the priest the artist realises that everything he paints happens in real life, so he sets about painting portraits of his three enemies then messing them up to kill them. Foolishly though, he fails to properly protect his own self-portrait…

"I really think it's time you cut your ponytail, Margaret"

Of the five tales (none of which, incidentally, are actually from the Vault Of Horror comic series – four are from Tales From The Crypt and the other is from Shock SuspenStories), the first and fifth are the most entertaining. The ending – explaining where the five men actually are – can be spotted a mile off, but the main story was always just a basic shell to contain the five shorter stories, which are clearly where the real entertainment value lasts.

If you can find it, it’s worth getting hold of the full uncut version of The Vault Of Horror. The American DVD releases of the film cut the endings of the first two stories, which is a shame because the final shot in the first story in particular is an incredibly effective, chilling moment and probably the best shot in the whole film. UK channel Film4 often shows a restored version of the film – this is the full uncut version and the one I recommend checking out.

The Vault Of Horror is a hidden gem, a great little British horror anthology where the five stories (while varied in quality) are all entertaining enough. Although the uncut version is really the best way to watch it you should still really see it in any form you can.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
You can get the uncut UK version here from Amazon.co.uk though the quality’s not the best.
If you live in the US you can either import the UK version if you can play Region 2 DVDs, or alternatively buy the cut version here in a double-bill with Tales From The Crypt.

Bless The Child (2000)

Director: Chuck Russell

Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Christina Ricci, Angela Bettis, Rufus Sewell

“The devil’s greatest achievement is that people don’t believe he exists. Nowadays, the concept of evil is politically incorrect. ” (Reverend, Bless The Child)

I had Bless The Child on my DVD shelf for years and never really felt the need to watch it. The front cover made it look like a cheap Exorcist rip-off and the only thing that really appealed to me was Christina Ricci (what can I say, I went through a Ricci phase at Uni). On at least five or six separate occasions I actually put it in my DVD player then changed my mind as it loaded and took it out. Finally, one night I thought “better get this over with”, slammed the bastard in and refused to turn it off no matter how bad it was going to be. I wasn’t exactly pleasantly surprised, but it wasn’t quite as bad as I’d expected.

There's nothing like the odd dodgy CGI demon shot to keep things interesting

Maggie O’Connor (Basinger) is a bit pissed off when her sister Jenna (Bettis) suddenly turns up at her door one day with her newborn baby, dumps the baby in her house then fucks off. With Jenna eventually presumed dead, Maggie reluctantly decides to become baby Cody’s unofficial mother. It soon becomes apparent that Cody’s autistic but what isn’t so noticeable is the fact that she has special powers – she can make things spin, light candles with her mind and the like.

Well, what do you expect? That's what you get when you live in Hull

Maggie copes for a few years until the very much not-dead Jenna comes back for her daughter with her new man, Eric Stark (Sewell). Not quite the killer catch, Stark is a devil worshipper who’s been killing children left, right and centre trying to find the one with the power to save mankind, or (by joining Stark and the devil) destroy it. Guess who that is then? No, I mean the girl.

Bless The Child is not a very scary film. With the exception of one scene in a subway this is a plot-driven horror film rather than one that relies heavily on ‘boo’ scares or moments of lengthy tension. As a result it never really has you on the edge of your seat but that’s not necessarily a bad thing because it was never trying to in the first place.

"What that child needs is a bloody good blessing"

Despite how far-fetched the plot is, the film is played well enough to suspend the audience’s beliefs for a while and accept the goings-on as real possibilities. Holliston Coleman is excellent as little Cody, and the way she portrays her character’s power can make the viewer feel slightly uneasy whenever she’s on-screen. Basinger plays it as you would expect, with plenty of “I WANT THE GIRL BACK” screamfests and ample helpings of tears throughout, while Jimmy Smits does the job as the detective (even if he does seem to accept the many odd and paranormal occurrences far too easily, essentially believing anything Basinger tells him no matter how out there it seems).

In all though, my concern about this being a load of old arse were unfounded. Bless The Child isn’t the greatest film ever made and the special effects are pretty poor (with the exception of one decapitation scene), but it’s enjoyable enough. It takes itself very seriously but not enough to be considered boring or pretentious, and it should manage to keep your attention for an hour and a half.

WHERE CAN I BUY IT?
You can buy the UK DVD off Amazon.co.uk here
Or, you can Get the US DVD from Amazon.com here