WordPress has a handy Stats screen that I can use to see how people find my site each day. I can see which sites people clicked links on to get here, which specific pages have been getting the most hits and generally what grabs most people’s attention when they get here.
From this info I’ve noticed a few things. Here are my findings.
1) Nobody clicks the pictures
I don’t know if people don’t feel the need to do it, or maybe they just don’t realise it’s possible, but hardly anyone ever clicks any of the screenshots in my reviews to see the screens bigger. Ah well, at least the option’s there.
2) Most people hit it then quit it
Most people linked straight to a review on my site read the review and then leave the site without reading anything else. I think this is probably due to the design of the blog, since if you go straight to a review the little widget on the side listing all the films reviewed so far isn’t there. Did you follow a link to get to this post? Look on the right – nothing there, eh? Now click on the logo at the top of the page and hey presto, there’s a list of all my reviews on the right. It seems then that most people read a review, don’t get a glimpse of the other films reviewed and so just leave. I’d love to change this but WordPress charges money for it, money I don’t have just now. Dag nammit.
3) Facebook and Twitter work
I apologise once again to my friends, family and followers who don’t give a ninth of a shit about this site but every time I link to my latest review on my Facebook and Twitter I get a nice boost in hits that day, many of them coming straight from Facebook and Twitter and going straight to my review. By that I can only deduce that many of you click my annoying near-daily links, and for that I’m eternally grateful.
4) People search for fucking weird things
Most interesting of all, the Stats page tells me what people who found my site through a search engine were searching for. Most of these are fairly straightforward – they’re usually just the title of the film (most popular? The Langoliers by a long way, for some reason), but every now and then you get a bizarre one that makes you wonder A) how people got here by searching for that, and B) why they were searching for it in the first place.
I therefore present you with a list of the oddest searches people have made to find this site since it began.
trevor moorhouse
I suppose this one isn’t too odd, but I find it amazing that people are actually searching for the killer in Scream Bloody Murder, one of the worst slasher films I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Each to their own, I suppose.
meg ryan younger
That’s a good call, actually. She’s a fine lady and I’m sure some people would like to see what she looked like back in the day. I’d like to take this opportunity then to apologise to the two people who searched for this and instead found my review of the horrible Amityville 3D, which starred Meg Ryan in her first role.
лангольеры
Believe it or not, seven people have found my site by searching this. When you look more into it, it’s not so crazy – it’s “Langoliers” in Russian – but it’s cool to think that some search engines translated it into English then found this site of all places.
robert englund penis
Now, I’ve mentioned Robert Englund a couple of times on this site, because as many know he’s the chap who plays Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare On Elm Street films. I have never, however, referred to his penis, nor would I wish to. I’m sure it’s a perfectly functioning organ, I just have no interest in discussing it. Some of you may suggest it’s because I mentioned how the snake in A Nightmare On Elm Street 3 looked like a giant penis, and that’d make sense were it not for the fact this search was logged about a month before I put that review up.
nasty bunion
Here’s what happens when you have two completely unrelated words on your site and people find it by mistake. I direct you to my review of Night Of The Bloody Apes, which is tagged as a video nasty, and the caption in it saying “I only came here for bunion surgery”. I hope the two people who found this review eventually got the advice they were looking for, and didn’t die of bunion-related infection while reading my review.
bunion surgery nasty
Same deal, slightly more specific (and odder) though.
cutting up a woman
Oh dear. Now, I’m a great believer that violent movies don’t make violent people, but if someone is genuinely searching for tips on how to cut up a woman and is finding my site then I can only apologise. That said, if they’re wasting their time reading my Gingerdead Man review instead of killing people then I suppose I’m helping. You’re welcome.
i’m a bit mental
That’s nice, dear, but you’ll get no medals here.
big/nasty/apes
I don’t know if I like the search term better or the fact that it’s divided so neatly into separate categories. “They have to be big, they have to be nasty and they have to be apes, I’m not pissing around here”.
porn movie planet ape
While I do review Planet Of The Apes on this site, I’m afraid it’s not the porno version. You may be thinking of Playmate Of The Apes, or the slightly more niche Planet Of The Rapes. I hope you find the simian intercourse footage you were looking for.
ellen sandweiss getting rape
I can’t help but feel this blog already has more references to rape than it really should, which I apologise for. In case you’re curious, this refers to my review of The Evil Dead, where Ellen Sandweiss is raped by a possessed tree. Hey, it takes all sorts.
the worlds worst telescope
I have no fucking clue what this is about.
planet earth as youve never seen it before
Um… nope, no idea.
jimmy saville as it happens
Seriously, if anyone can help me here it would be appreciated. Actually, I suppose this one was triggered by my mention of the Jimmy Saville troll in Troll 2.
women instructing cpr on dummy
I really hope someone wasn’t hit by a car and was lying there bleeding to death while someone checked Google on their phone to see what to do next and ended up reading my review of Hell Comes To Frogtown. While it’s a review I’m particularly happy with, I’m not sure it gives any CPR advice. I’m not sure any of them do, in fact, which makes this result mystifying.
fuck in the locker room
I’m really sorry to have disappointed you but there’s nothing like that in here. There was that one scene in A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2 where the teacher was killed in a locker room, but I don’t think he was “fucked” in the sense you’re thinking. And finally, speaking of A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2…
its not gay if your balls are touching
Hm. How many pages would you have to go through on Google before you went past all the more relevant searches and finally got to the Nightmare 2 review on my site? Seems like someone seriously needed some reassurance.